All of the following for December were written in 2005-2006.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:17 PM
0 comments
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Homecoming Hangover
This past weekend was Homecoming weekend at the good ol University of Minnesota. So of course they scheduled the football game for 11am. Now, I work nights and have no classes before noon. So getting up at 8:00am to head out and drink is not something I'm accustomed to. Especially in the rain. Oh, and I should mention that I might have still been drunk from the night before. So this was shaping up to be a long day.
We got to the tailgating lot at 8:30 and started drinking at 8:32. What I should have realized is that I'm 23 years old and on my twilight years of marathon drinking so I should be taking it easy. Anyway, I turned into the shouting, slurring drunk at about 9:15. I found my friends tent at about this time as well.....and they were wearing dresses. Every year they dress up in drag and run for homecoming queen. This year they had a sponsor and 50 male contestants dressed in drag. The winner got a $50 bar tab and a tiara. I was an honorary judge and voted for the ugliest looking woman I had ever seen. Remember Chris Farley as the Lunchlady? Imagine a very drunk version of that....With a tiara.
I then headed over to another group of people I knew and promptly had a bloody mary spilled all over my pants. I didn't care, it was homecoming and no one could burst my bubble. Well except for the ticket taker at the game. He was positive that I had puked on myself and wouldn't let me in the game. Despite my attempts to get him to "taste my pants" he sent me away. Not thinking rationally at this point I found a puddle that looked like clean water and start washing my pants with it. Once I finished I take a look at my work and realize that it now looks like I pissed myself....Oh Well. I head up to a different gate and they let me right by. Apparently you're less drunk when you piss yourself as opposed to puking on yourself. Whatever, I got in.
I found a seat and proceeded to watch the best football game that I had ever seen in person. Just when I thought that the Gophers were crapping the bed again they come out of no where and win in double OT. Needless to say I had a great day, not as good as my roommate who got laid (which reminded me that my cold streak is now well over 365 days). I didn't care about that, which is probably not a good sign, we won.
Bring on JoePa!
We got to the tailgating lot at 8:30 and started drinking at 8:32. What I should have realized is that I'm 23 years old and on my twilight years of marathon drinking so I should be taking it easy. Anyway, I turned into the shouting, slurring drunk at about 9:15. I found my friends tent at about this time as well.....and they were wearing dresses. Every year they dress up in drag and run for homecoming queen. This year they had a sponsor and 50 male contestants dressed in drag. The winner got a $50 bar tab and a tiara. I was an honorary judge and voted for the ugliest looking woman I had ever seen. Remember Chris Farley as the Lunchlady? Imagine a very drunk version of that....With a tiara.
I then headed over to another group of people I knew and promptly had a bloody mary spilled all over my pants. I didn't care, it was homecoming and no one could burst my bubble. Well except for the ticket taker at the game. He was positive that I had puked on myself and wouldn't let me in the game. Despite my attempts to get him to "taste my pants" he sent me away. Not thinking rationally at this point I found a puddle that looked like clean water and start washing my pants with it. Once I finished I take a look at my work and realize that it now looks like I pissed myself....Oh Well. I head up to a different gate and they let me right by. Apparently you're less drunk when you piss yourself as opposed to puking on yourself. Whatever, I got in.
I found a seat and proceeded to watch the best football game that I had ever seen in person. Just when I thought that the Gophers were crapping the bed again they come out of no where and win in double OT. Needless to say I had a great day, not as good as my roommate who got laid (which reminded me that my cold streak is now well over 365 days). I didn't care about that, which is probably not a good sign, we won.
Bring on JoePa!
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:15 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Thoughts while trying to figure out why I never get laid:
* Is it wrong to accuse a 250+lb, aesthetically challenged girl wearing a shirt that says 'hottie' on it of false advertising? If so, I don't want to be right.
* In my heart of hearts, I still believe that Captain Planet will take pollution down to zero.
* If someone told you that the new 'Longest Yard' was good it means one of two things: 1) They never saw the original, or 2) They are a complete idiot and you should have kicked them in the testicles or ovaries depending the gender.
* Women should be required to wear labels on their foreheads saying, "Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, current bank account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends."
* I'm tired of sports commentators calling athletes 'courageous' for playing injured. The men and women in Iraq are courageous, or that time I took a final exam wasted was courageous.
* Does anyone else find it kind of rude that deaf people don't look at you when they're talking to you or you're talking to them. They just look at their interpreter. I hate that.... Then again, this is coming from the guy who used to give blind people the finger for fun. So I guess we're even.
* I wonder if Van Gogh or Rembrandt would have been mad that one of the Ninja Turtles wasn't named after them.
* Isn't it satisfying when you're piecing together last night and you suddenly remember where that bruise on your arm/leg came from? It puts an extra pep in my step when it happens to me.
* Next time you start humming or whistling the song Hi Ho its off to Work We Go from 'Snow White' Think of it like this: Its the last thing they say to Snow White before they leave. (say it don't sing it out loud)
* I still think the movie character with the greatest name is Jesus Shuttlesworth.
* Is it just me or is Lindsey Lohan one leaked sex tape away from actually becoming Paris Hilton?
* If I had a superpower I would most definitely use it for evil.
* I bet you those hideous "gaucho" pants were invented by some chick with an above average ass and fat legs.
* You don't really realize how shitty you're car really is until you watch 2 Fast 2 Furious.
* If I were ever to appear on MTV Cribs I would make sure my house would include: A sink with three options (hot, cold, Blue Moon), A walk-in shower with a seat (for those pesky hangovers), The biggest TV on the market, and an NBA jam arcade game.
* There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's watching two fat chicks simultaneously slip and fall and a patch of ice.
* Is it wrong to accuse a 250+lb, aesthetically challenged girl wearing a shirt that says 'hottie' on it of false advertising? If so, I don't want to be right.
* In my heart of hearts, I still believe that Captain Planet will take pollution down to zero.
* If someone told you that the new 'Longest Yard' was good it means one of two things: 1) They never saw the original, or 2) They are a complete idiot and you should have kicked them in the testicles or ovaries depending the gender.
* Women should be required to wear labels on their foreheads saying, "Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, current bank account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends."
* I'm tired of sports commentators calling athletes 'courageous' for playing injured. The men and women in Iraq are courageous, or that time I took a final exam wasted was courageous.
* Does anyone else find it kind of rude that deaf people don't look at you when they're talking to you or you're talking to them. They just look at their interpreter. I hate that.... Then again, this is coming from the guy who used to give blind people the finger for fun. So I guess we're even.
* I wonder if Van Gogh or Rembrandt would have been mad that one of the Ninja Turtles wasn't named after them.
* Isn't it satisfying when you're piecing together last night and you suddenly remember where that bruise on your arm/leg came from? It puts an extra pep in my step when it happens to me.
* Next time you start humming or whistling the song Hi Ho its off to Work We Go from 'Snow White' Think of it like this: Its the last thing they say to Snow White before they leave. (say it don't sing it out loud)
* I still think the movie character with the greatest name is Jesus Shuttlesworth.
* Is it just me or is Lindsey Lohan one leaked sex tape away from actually becoming Paris Hilton?
* If I had a superpower I would most definitely use it for evil.
* I bet you those hideous "gaucho" pants were invented by some chick with an above average ass and fat legs.
* You don't really realize how shitty you're car really is until you watch 2 Fast 2 Furious.
* If I were ever to appear on MTV Cribs I would make sure my house would include: A sink with three options (hot, cold, Blue Moon), A walk-in shower with a seat (for those pesky hangovers), The biggest TV on the market, and an NBA jam arcade game.
* There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's watching two fat chicks simultaneously slip and fall and a patch of ice.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:14 PM
0 comments
Homecoming Hangover II
This past weekend was Homecoming at Minnesota State so I made the hour drive on Friday with Matt and Carrie to take part in the festivities. We got down there at about 7:30pm and started drinking at 7:35pm. After a few beers we headed out to the bars in exciting downtown Mankato Minnesota. I should have realized that I was working on little sleep and little food and that might contribute to how quickly I get drunk. Sure enough I got drunk in a hurry then before I knew it I was wasted.
How wasted you ask? Well, apparently I bet $20 that I could beat some chick (whom I had just met) at H-O-R-S-E. This was after I had almost gotten punched in the face because I was unaware I was standing between two people who thought it was necessary to fight over the unattractive girl that was standing behind me. Which really didn't make any sense because whoever won would have to go home with an ugly chick. I, on the other hand, ended up passing out in a room with a rabbit.
Matt and I woke up at 9 to start drinking again. We thought about goin to the game until we remembered that it was being played by two mediocre division II schools. That didn't stop people from getting excited about it and honking their car horns at me while I sat in the front yard eating a waffle and drinking a beer. So we went to the bar to watch the Gophs on TV. Right in the middle of their pitiful game Matt comes out of no where with a pitcher of long island ice tea. Apparently the bar ran out of CO2 so they couldn't use their taps....on the busiest day of the year. After the inevitable gopher letdown we went back to exciting downtown Mankato. Where I managed to get more free beer than I needed and got into a conversation with a 75 year man named Liam who was at the bar because he "likes watching the young ladies". So, I bought him a beer and he taught me a few things about life as we both watched the young ladies. I said my farwells and we ended up going back to our friends house. Carrie got her weekly drunken dramatics out of the way and we go in and passout. I just happen to do it in a room with a rabbit.
I think the rabbit took a shit in my mouth at some point of the night because I had the worst taste when I woke up or maybe it was the booze. Anyway, we wake up, go get my car out of impound and head home. Or at least Carrie and Matt went home. I had to go straight to work in the same clothes I've been wearing for two days looking like absolute hell and 10 minutes late. All in all I think everyone had a pretty good time....even the rabbit.
How wasted you ask? Well, apparently I bet $20 that I could beat some chick (whom I had just met) at H-O-R-S-E. This was after I had almost gotten punched in the face because I was unaware I was standing between two people who thought it was necessary to fight over the unattractive girl that was standing behind me. Which really didn't make any sense because whoever won would have to go home with an ugly chick. I, on the other hand, ended up passing out in a room with a rabbit.
Matt and I woke up at 9 to start drinking again. We thought about goin to the game until we remembered that it was being played by two mediocre division II schools. That didn't stop people from getting excited about it and honking their car horns at me while I sat in the front yard eating a waffle and drinking a beer. So we went to the bar to watch the Gophs on TV. Right in the middle of their pitiful game Matt comes out of no where with a pitcher of long island ice tea. Apparently the bar ran out of CO2 so they couldn't use their taps....on the busiest day of the year. After the inevitable gopher letdown we went back to exciting downtown Mankato. Where I managed to get more free beer than I needed and got into a conversation with a 75 year man named Liam who was at the bar because he "likes watching the young ladies". So, I bought him a beer and he taught me a few things about life as we both watched the young ladies. I said my farwells and we ended up going back to our friends house. Carrie got her weekly drunken dramatics out of the way and we go in and passout. I just happen to do it in a room with a rabbit.
I think the rabbit took a shit in my mouth at some point of the night because I had the worst taste when I woke up or maybe it was the booze. Anyway, we wake up, go get my car out of impound and head home. Or at least Carrie and Matt went home. I had to go straight to work in the same clothes I've been wearing for two days looking like absolute hell and 10 minutes late. All in all I think everyone had a pretty good time....even the rabbit.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:13 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Thoughts while wondering if I should skip class
*George Michael said that he wants to retire from making music because he doesn't like the current pop music situation. You know music is in trouble when the better half of Wham can't stand to listen to it
*Word has it that Christina Aguilara is getting married. Not to worry though she is still going to remain a huge whore
*I heard a rumor that Michael Jackson wanted to call Kobe Bryant to be a witness. What I want to know is would Kobe have been a character witness or give Jacko pointers on how to rape the helpless and get away with it?
*Jose Canseco wants to take a lie detector test on pay per view. Why hasn't he just contacted FOX and turn this whole thing in to some horrible reality series? You could call it something stupid yet catchy like No Way, Jose and have him sneak around offices and listen to everyone's chatter then show footage of him taking a lie detector to everyone in the office. I would watch.
*What the hell was the NBA thinking putting LeAnn Rimes and Big & Rich in the All-Star half time show? This is still bothering me. Do they even know their audience? Did they think that since the game was in Denver that only hicks would watch? And when did a rapping cowboy become cool?
*Do you think that NBA experts are starting to think that Harold Miner will never become the next Michael Jordan?
*I just realized that ESPN actually pays someone to fill out fictitious NCAA brackets. I would do it for free on one condition. Stu Scott on Stephen A Smith have to fight to the death.
*Speaking of Stephen A., I wish he would have had to go through the same thing as those former NBA players had gone through to become NBA analyst. Just so someone could tell him that he is actually trying to become an analyst, not a preacher yelling the gospel out on the street.
*Its come to the point to where after watching the end result of the show The Biggest Loser I actually uttered the phrase "wow, she doesn't look that bad" despite knowing that she could blow back up at any time.
*I wonder if television is trying to get us to absolutely despise the upper class. That is the only reason why shows like Laguna Beach, The Princes of Malibu, and The Apprentice are still on the air. The only other reason I can think of is that Americans are collectively morons.
*Did anyone else find it funny that person with the cleanest criminal record on the Portland Blazers runs around with the word "Outlaw" on his back. I find hilarious.
*I think we can officially put Michelle Wie on the jailbait list now that she's worth $10 million especially if she wins a tournament.
*If I were Purdue's athletic director I would create a banner commemorating the great years Gene Keady's hair had as a head coach of the Boilermakers.
*Can someone convince Britney that her career is over so she pose nude, or at least try to resurrect it by leaking a sex tape while she still has appeal left.....Hey, it worked for Madonna.
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's watching a girl after the most heated argument you've seen dramatically turn and walk right into a light post.
*George Michael said that he wants to retire from making music because he doesn't like the current pop music situation. You know music is in trouble when the better half of Wham can't stand to listen to it
*Word has it that Christina Aguilara is getting married. Not to worry though she is still going to remain a huge whore
*I heard a rumor that Michael Jackson wanted to call Kobe Bryant to be a witness. What I want to know is would Kobe have been a character witness or give Jacko pointers on how to rape the helpless and get away with it?
*Jose Canseco wants to take a lie detector test on pay per view. Why hasn't he just contacted FOX and turn this whole thing in to some horrible reality series? You could call it something stupid yet catchy like No Way, Jose and have him sneak around offices and listen to everyone's chatter then show footage of him taking a lie detector to everyone in the office. I would watch.
*What the hell was the NBA thinking putting LeAnn Rimes and Big & Rich in the All-Star half time show? This is still bothering me. Do they even know their audience? Did they think that since the game was in Denver that only hicks would watch? And when did a rapping cowboy become cool?
*Do you think that NBA experts are starting to think that Harold Miner will never become the next Michael Jordan?
*I just realized that ESPN actually pays someone to fill out fictitious NCAA brackets. I would do it for free on one condition. Stu Scott on Stephen A Smith have to fight to the death.
*Speaking of Stephen A., I wish he would have had to go through the same thing as those former NBA players had gone through to become NBA analyst. Just so someone could tell him that he is actually trying to become an analyst, not a preacher yelling the gospel out on the street.
*Its come to the point to where after watching the end result of the show The Biggest Loser I actually uttered the phrase "wow, she doesn't look that bad" despite knowing that she could blow back up at any time.
*I wonder if television is trying to get us to absolutely despise the upper class. That is the only reason why shows like Laguna Beach, The Princes of Malibu, and The Apprentice are still on the air. The only other reason I can think of is that Americans are collectively morons.
*Did anyone else find it funny that person with the cleanest criminal record on the Portland Blazers runs around with the word "Outlaw" on his back. I find hilarious.
*I think we can officially put Michelle Wie on the jailbait list now that she's worth $10 million especially if she wins a tournament.
*If I were Purdue's athletic director I would create a banner commemorating the great years Gene Keady's hair had as a head coach of the Boilermakers.
*Can someone convince Britney that her career is over so she pose nude, or at least try to resurrect it by leaking a sex tape while she still has appeal left.....Hey, it worked for Madonna.
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's watching a girl after the most heated argument you've seen dramatically turn and walk right into a light post.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:13 PM
0 comments
This Dry Spell Is Killing Me
Dear Chad,
You're such a pussy. Ahh, pussy. Remember pussy? You do? Well I sure as fuck don't. It's been over a year since I've been near anything resembling pussy. And you're not going to trick me. Even if you sit on it for awhile I still know its your hand. I'm not stupid, asshole. Its been so long that I don't even know if I'll be able to perform up to my capabilities when I get a chance. What I'm trying to say, Chad, is that this dry spell is killing me.
Look, it isn't my job to find the women and bring them home, but I'm going to try and help your sorry ass out. Ok, it might help if you leave the barstool. It's bad enough that I have to hear Liver bitch about your drinking, but now its starting to affect me, and that pisses me right off. Go out and dance with that chick dancing by herself, she's asking for it. I understand that you dance about as well as a one legged man with vertigo, but Jesus Christ take one for the team for once. You never know she might be dumb and find you charming.
You're probably thinking that you don't have the balls to pull that off. Well, I'm here to tell you that you do have the balls. I'm looking at them right now, and they are not to happy either. I can tell because they're blue. Not because they haven't used in awhile, but because they're sad. Sad that you won't step up for them when they need you. Remember when you were riding your bike and you fell on the crossbar? Remember who cared enough about you to break your fall even though it caused them to be sore for about three days? That's right, your balls. I think its time you repay the favor.
It really wouldn't kill you to hit up the treadmill once in awhile. I hear the ladies like men who are "in shape", but what would I know, I'm only a reproductive organ. I really don't care how you do it. Hell, go hoggin' if you have to. Just find some tail and end this dry spell because it is killing me.
Sincerely,
Your Penis
P.S. I'm a fan of the new loofah thing in the shower, stick with it.
You're such a pussy. Ahh, pussy. Remember pussy? You do? Well I sure as fuck don't. It's been over a year since I've been near anything resembling pussy. And you're not going to trick me. Even if you sit on it for awhile I still know its your hand. I'm not stupid, asshole. Its been so long that I don't even know if I'll be able to perform up to my capabilities when I get a chance. What I'm trying to say, Chad, is that this dry spell is killing me.
Look, it isn't my job to find the women and bring them home, but I'm going to try and help your sorry ass out. Ok, it might help if you leave the barstool. It's bad enough that I have to hear Liver bitch about your drinking, but now its starting to affect me, and that pisses me right off. Go out and dance with that chick dancing by herself, she's asking for it. I understand that you dance about as well as a one legged man with vertigo, but Jesus Christ take one for the team for once. You never know she might be dumb and find you charming.
You're probably thinking that you don't have the balls to pull that off. Well, I'm here to tell you that you do have the balls. I'm looking at them right now, and they are not to happy either. I can tell because they're blue. Not because they haven't used in awhile, but because they're sad. Sad that you won't step up for them when they need you. Remember when you were riding your bike and you fell on the crossbar? Remember who cared enough about you to break your fall even though it caused them to be sore for about three days? That's right, your balls. I think its time you repay the favor.
It really wouldn't kill you to hit up the treadmill once in awhile. I hear the ladies like men who are "in shape", but what would I know, I'm only a reproductive organ. I really don't care how you do it. Hell, go hoggin' if you have to. Just find some tail and end this dry spell because it is killing me.
Sincerely,
Your Penis
P.S. I'm a fan of the new loofah thing in the shower, stick with it.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:12 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Random thoughts while wondering why Skip Bayless is allowed to speak to me while I eat my Fruit Loops.
*Does anyone ever wonder what happened to Blake & Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit? Is it actually possible for someone's acting career to peak as toddlers on Full House?
*Kirk Herbstreit, in reference to Maryland TE Vernon Davis: "He could get into male modeling after his football career. He has some physique". I'll let you think about that one for awhile.
*I find it hard to believe that Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo has a degree in linguistics
*Anytime a movie promo includes the phrase "from the demented mind of Danny Devito" you know its in trouble
*Why is it illegal to park in handicapped parking spots, but not illegal to use handicapped bathroom stalls?
*Is it wrong to say "I want to wake up with the king"? I hope not.
*If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
*I can't wait until someone acutally tries to use my TV character list for a research paper. Can I put that on a resume?
*Some guy just gave me a mini Bible and told me it "would allow me to ride shotgun with Jesus". The only way I'd consider that is if Jesus was driving the Popemobile or the Oscar Meyer mobile. I'd hop right in, not questions asked.
*Is it a complement when the bar owner walks up to you and says, "you're the only person I know who would come into this place and just order our shitty coffee when there's a Starbucks next door"?
*How are you suppose to react when you overhear a girl say that she prefers anal? I hope giggle is the right answer.
*Is it possible to feel completely disgusted and jealous at the same time? It is when you see a homeless couple going at it in a park.
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's a guy wiping out on his bike because he was staring down some chick....who wasn't that good looking.
*Does anyone ever wonder what happened to Blake & Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit? Is it actually possible for someone's acting career to peak as toddlers on Full House?
*Kirk Herbstreit, in reference to Maryland TE Vernon Davis: "He could get into male modeling after his football career. He has some physique". I'll let you think about that one for awhile.
*I find it hard to believe that Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo has a degree in linguistics
*Anytime a movie promo includes the phrase "from the demented mind of Danny Devito" you know its in trouble
*Why is it illegal to park in handicapped parking spots, but not illegal to use handicapped bathroom stalls?
*Is it wrong to say "I want to wake up with the king"? I hope not.
*If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
*I can't wait until someone acutally tries to use my TV character list for a research paper. Can I put that on a resume?
*Some guy just gave me a mini Bible and told me it "would allow me to ride shotgun with Jesus". The only way I'd consider that is if Jesus was driving the Popemobile or the Oscar Meyer mobile. I'd hop right in, not questions asked.
*Is it a complement when the bar owner walks up to you and says, "you're the only person I know who would come into this place and just order our shitty coffee when there's a Starbucks next door"?
*How are you suppose to react when you overhear a girl say that she prefers anal? I hope giggle is the right answer.
*Is it possible to feel completely disgusted and jealous at the same time? It is when you see a homeless couple going at it in a park.
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's a guy wiping out on his bike because he was staring down some chick....who wasn't that good looking.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:11 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Random thoughts while waiting for my Spaghettios to cool off.
*Looking back it probably wasn't the best idea to ask that fat Asian girl dressed as 'Jeannie' for Halloween if she was a sumo wrestler.
*I tricked a little kid out of fifty cents the other and didn't even feel guilty about it. Until I realized that the "quarters" he gave me were arcade tokens and I felt like an ass.
*I always get a kick when I'm sitting in the bathroom stall at work. It's funny to think that I'm getting paid to sit around with my pants around my ankles.
*I don't like the term virgin. I prefer to think of them as future whores.
*Do you think its trendy for Japanese teens to get tattoos of American words?
*I think its stupid when people say, "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual". I like to reply "I'm not honest, but you're interesting".
*Was I wrong to assume the guy eating his french fries with a fork and knife was most likely a psychopath?
*Rumor has it that Kevin Federline is aspiring to become a rapper. Probably in an effort to solidify himself as "the biggest douchebag ever"
*I'll say this once and only once: I don't want to see any pictures of your kids. I'm serious.
*My definition of fear: Not realizing that 'ladies' night' consists of a primarily lesbian crowd. Most of which would like nothing more than to kick your ass for having testicles. Most of which are more than capable to accomplish that.
*I think I'm unknowingly practicing some sort of reverse Tantric. Just when I'm about to get some girl to have sex with me I say the most awkward thing imaginable.
*A homosexual man asked me if I "wanted to taste the rainbow". I had to throw away the rest of my Skittles.
*Winter is coming and I'm not happy about it. You'll feel the same way about it once you get hit in the sack by an errant snowball.
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's plus size women getting WAY too excited when the bar plays 'Baby Got Back'.....Actually, that's more traumatizing than anything.
*Looking back it probably wasn't the best idea to ask that fat Asian girl dressed as 'Jeannie' for Halloween if she was a sumo wrestler.
*I tricked a little kid out of fifty cents the other and didn't even feel guilty about it. Until I realized that the "quarters" he gave me were arcade tokens and I felt like an ass.
*I always get a kick when I'm sitting in the bathroom stall at work. It's funny to think that I'm getting paid to sit around with my pants around my ankles.
*I don't like the term virgin. I prefer to think of them as future whores.
*Do you think its trendy for Japanese teens to get tattoos of American words?
*I think its stupid when people say, "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual". I like to reply "I'm not honest, but you're interesting".
*Was I wrong to assume the guy eating his french fries with a fork and knife was most likely a psychopath?
*Rumor has it that Kevin Federline is aspiring to become a rapper. Probably in an effort to solidify himself as "the biggest douchebag ever"
*I'll say this once and only once: I don't want to see any pictures of your kids. I'm serious.
*My definition of fear: Not realizing that 'ladies' night' consists of a primarily lesbian crowd. Most of which would like nothing more than to kick your ass for having testicles. Most of which are more than capable to accomplish that.
*I think I'm unknowingly practicing some sort of reverse Tantric. Just when I'm about to get some girl to have sex with me I say the most awkward thing imaginable.
*A homosexual man asked me if I "wanted to taste the rainbow". I had to throw away the rest of my Skittles.
*Winter is coming and I'm not happy about it. You'll feel the same way about it once you get hit in the sack by an errant snowball.
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's plus size women getting WAY too excited when the bar plays 'Baby Got Back'.....Actually, that's more traumatizing than anything.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:10 PM
0 comments
Top 5 Cartoon Characters Who Might Be Gay
We've all watched cartoons at one time or another. I still do whenever I get the chance. When we were kids we thought that their homosexual traits were funny and didn't think anything of them. Now when we look back we wonder how we could have missed it. How could we miss the lack of the opposite sex in their lives. The way they talked and dressed made it obvious that they liked to smoke pole or munch rug, and we missed it. Now we watch these shows closer than we ever have before. Looking for signs to confirm our suspicions. I'm not talking about the obivious ones like Waylon Smithers, The Ambiguously Gay Duo, SpongeBob or Stewie Griffin who are suppose to be gay. I believe that the following characters weren't intended to be gay.
5. Velma (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?)
Have you ever noticed that Velma is always sitting next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. She has no sense of fashion because she is always wearing a turtle neck sweater with a skirt and knee high socks. Sports a butch hair cut and broad shoulders. Most of all, has never ever tried to bribe Shaggy into poking her using her vast supply of Scooby Snacks.
4. Snagglepuss (The Yogi Bear Show)
First off have you ever heard this character speak? He sounds like he should be a cast member on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. All he wears are cufflinks and a bowtie, and, oh yeah, he's pink. He has one of the gayest catchphrases out there, "Heavens to Mergatroid". What the hell does that mean? Is that what he yells during intercourse? He is also always being chased by a man carrying a long shaft like object, which may or may not be a gun, and enjoying it way too much.
3. Bugs Bunny (Loony Toons)
Remember when Garth Algar asked Wayne if he thought Bugs Bunny was attractive when he dressed up as a girl bunny? We thought twice about Garth's sexuality (until Honey Horny). What we didn't think about, or at least I didn't, was why was Bugs Bunny dressed in drag? Why does he always kiss Elmer Fudd on the mouth? Why does he fondle Elmer's ass before he kicks it? Why is he always singing show tunes? Why is he always sticking phallic like objects into his mouth? Yes, I remember him drooling over Lola Bunny in Space Jam, but I just think he was trying to impress Michael Jordan
2. He-Man/Prince Adam (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe)
I realize that VH1 touched on this, but they didn't go into enough detail to make their case. First of all Prince of Eternia Adam (sounds like a gay bar) wore a pink vest and PURPLE TIGHTS! He only wore a loin cloth when he turned into He-Man. That should be evidence enough right there. I didn't even have to mention his extremely queer haircut. Also, all of his power comes from his "sword".
1. Vanity Smurf (The Smurfs)
Vain to the extreme. Not only is he effeminate but he wears a flower in his hat. His voice makes it easy to judge him. Never without his hand mirror, Vanity is a true diva. Who is the fairest one of them all? Smurfette? Bitch Please. You're beautiful, Vanity Smurf, no matter what they say.
5. Velma (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?)
Have you ever noticed that Velma is always sitting next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine. She has no sense of fashion because she is always wearing a turtle neck sweater with a skirt and knee high socks. Sports a butch hair cut and broad shoulders. Most of all, has never ever tried to bribe Shaggy into poking her using her vast supply of Scooby Snacks.
4. Snagglepuss (The Yogi Bear Show)
First off have you ever heard this character speak? He sounds like he should be a cast member on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. All he wears are cufflinks and a bowtie, and, oh yeah, he's pink. He has one of the gayest catchphrases out there, "Heavens to Mergatroid". What the hell does that mean? Is that what he yells during intercourse? He is also always being chased by a man carrying a long shaft like object, which may or may not be a gun, and enjoying it way too much.
3. Bugs Bunny (Loony Toons)
Remember when Garth Algar asked Wayne if he thought Bugs Bunny was attractive when he dressed up as a girl bunny? We thought twice about Garth's sexuality (until Honey Horny). What we didn't think about, or at least I didn't, was why was Bugs Bunny dressed in drag? Why does he always kiss Elmer Fudd on the mouth? Why does he fondle Elmer's ass before he kicks it? Why is he always singing show tunes? Why is he always sticking phallic like objects into his mouth? Yes, I remember him drooling over Lola Bunny in Space Jam, but I just think he was trying to impress Michael Jordan
2. He-Man/Prince Adam (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe)
I realize that VH1 touched on this, but they didn't go into enough detail to make their case. First of all Prince of Eternia Adam (sounds like a gay bar) wore a pink vest and PURPLE TIGHTS! He only wore a loin cloth when he turned into He-Man. That should be evidence enough right there. I didn't even have to mention his extremely queer haircut. Also, all of his power comes from his "sword".
1. Vanity Smurf (The Smurfs)
Vain to the extreme. Not only is he effeminate but he wears a flower in his hat. His voice makes it easy to judge him. Never without his hand mirror, Vanity is a true diva. Who is the fairest one of them all? Smurfette? Bitch Please. You're beautiful, Vanity Smurf, no matter what they say.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:10 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Random thoughts while sipping on coffee and looking out the window at a 3 car accident.
*Every night before I go to bed I get down on my knees and pray to whoever is listening that they bring back the Nintendo Power Glove. Or at least release The Wizard on DVD.
*G.I. Joe told me that knowing is half the battle. But what's the other half? This bothers me. I sure hope its not running speed.
*I really hope I'm getting the mail from the local karate dojo by accident. Because I don't have any kids that I know of, and I really don't think they want me to sign up for their "beginner program" and end up viciously side kicking some 7 year old kid in the head. Though he probably had it coming.
*A good way to make me suspicious of you is to run by me on the sidewalk while avoiding any and all cracks like your life depended on it. You also have to be in your mid 30's.
*All right powers that be, I hope you didn't expect me to keep a straight face when the kid with cold sores all over his mouth asked me where the Health Services building was. You should know me better than that.
*I'm convinced that the few black squirrels running around campus are, in fact, Ninja Squirrels.
*You're guaranteed a good conversation when you stop and talk to two old men sitting on their porch enjoying the day. Each holding an icy cold 40 ounce Bud.
*Please, bachelorettes, I do not want a "suck for a buck". Don't even approach me unless you're not talking about lolly pops.
*I didn't know this was possible but you can actually go 21+ years without knowing that you have a lisp.
*I hope that I'm not the only one who received numerous "don't eat too much turkey" warnings.
*Is it a complement or a sign I have a problem when upon hearing that its going to be a open bar wedding I'm told not to drink it all?
*Nobody can read a letter better than Casey Kasem.
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's driving down the highway and noticing that someone has painted two huge penises right on the road.
*Every night before I go to bed I get down on my knees and pray to whoever is listening that they bring back the Nintendo Power Glove. Or at least release The Wizard on DVD.
*G.I. Joe told me that knowing is half the battle. But what's the other half? This bothers me. I sure hope its not running speed.
*I really hope I'm getting the mail from the local karate dojo by accident. Because I don't have any kids that I know of, and I really don't think they want me to sign up for their "beginner program" and end up viciously side kicking some 7 year old kid in the head. Though he probably had it coming.
*A good way to make me suspicious of you is to run by me on the sidewalk while avoiding any and all cracks like your life depended on it. You also have to be in your mid 30's.
*All right powers that be, I hope you didn't expect me to keep a straight face when the kid with cold sores all over his mouth asked me where the Health Services building was. You should know me better than that.
*I'm convinced that the few black squirrels running around campus are, in fact, Ninja Squirrels.
*You're guaranteed a good conversation when you stop and talk to two old men sitting on their porch enjoying the day. Each holding an icy cold 40 ounce Bud.
*Please, bachelorettes, I do not want a "suck for a buck". Don't even approach me unless you're not talking about lolly pops.
*I didn't know this was possible but you can actually go 21+ years without knowing that you have a lisp.
*I hope that I'm not the only one who received numerous "don't eat too much turkey" warnings.
*Is it a complement or a sign I have a problem when upon hearing that its going to be a open bar wedding I'm told not to drink it all?
*Nobody can read a letter better than Casey Kasem.
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's driving down the highway and noticing that someone has painted two huge penises right on the road.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:09 PM
0 comments
The Origin of Uggs
I have an inside source (inside meaning nonexistent) in the fashion industry. This source told how the popular Ugg boots came to be. You see, a few years ago two Australian designers made a bet before a design competition at their school. The bet said that who ever lost had to design something at the request of the winner and try to market it. It was assumed that this design would be stupid and very difficult to market. We'll call them Designer 1 and Designer 2. Designer 1 being the victor of the competition. Here is are the conversations that transpired after the competition. All of the following should be read in an Australian accent:
Day After the Competition
Designer 1: Do you know what you're going to make for me yet, mate?
Designer 2: I have all of this extra sheepskin laying around, Can I make it out of that?
Designer 1: Sure, as long as it looks ridiculous.
Designer 2: All right, I'll have an idea in 2 days.
Two Days Later
D1: Ok mate, let me see what you've come up with.
D2: I thought a sheepskin boot would be a good idea. Take a look.
D1: They're too small and sreamline. Make them bigger and bulkier. I like the idea though.
D2: What? This will ruin me if I make them any more hideous! You can't make me do this!
D1: Remember the wager. You would be doing the same thing to me. Now get to work.
The Next Day
D2: Here I'm finished. I'm making anymore changes.
D1: (Laughter) This is perfect. You would have to be an idiot to buy these.
D2: Are you happy now you've ruined my career.
D1: What are you going to call them?
D2: I don't know....I haven't really thought about it.
D1: How about 'Uglies'
D2: Absolutely not!
D1: Ok fine....Umm...'Ugs'
D2: No, I will not name my ugly boots 'Ugs'
D1: Yes, that's my decision. They're called 'Ugs'
D2: But how do you expect me to market a boot called 'Ugs'?
D1: I don't know....put two 'G's in the name. People are stupid and will think that's cool.
D2: Fine.
D1: Don't forget to put fur on the outside.
D2: Fuck you! There is no way these are ever going to sell!
D1: No worries. All you need is to find a celebrity dumb enough to wear them.
(Long Pause)
D2: (Snaps then points to the air) I know just the person!
Five Months Later
(D2 pulls up in a brand new sports car)
D1: Where did you get that?
D2: My Uggs are a huge hit in America.
D1: You have got to be shitting me!
D2: I'm not kidding! It's amazing how many stupid people there are out there.
D1: How much are you charging for them?
D2: You're not going to believe me
D1: Tell me!!
D2: $200
D1: Now you're just messing with me
D2: Swear on my mother.
D2: And get this...
D1: What?
D2: (Fighting back laughter) ...Some people are wearing them on the outside of their pants
(Both Laugh)
D2: You need to capitalize on this before people start realizing what they're wearing.
D1: How? I don't have anything stupid looking.
D2: Remember those pants you made as a joke for one of your classes?
D1: What?
D2: Those stupid things that looked like parachute pants
D1: Oh, right. Those were capri pants though.
D2: Name them something stupid that will appeal to idiots and put them on the market.
D1: Like what?
D2: ...GAUCHOS!
D1: (Laughter) I like it.
Today both designers are working on a new product that is already sweeping across Japan. Its a new skirt and what you see is printed on. I wouldn't be surprised if I see some dumb bitches running around in these things by the end of next year.
Day After the Competition
Designer 1: Do you know what you're going to make for me yet, mate?
Designer 2: I have all of this extra sheepskin laying around, Can I make it out of that?
Designer 1: Sure, as long as it looks ridiculous.
Designer 2: All right, I'll have an idea in 2 days.
Two Days Later
D1: Ok mate, let me see what you've come up with.
D2: I thought a sheepskin boot would be a good idea. Take a look.
D1: They're too small and sreamline. Make them bigger and bulkier. I like the idea though.
D2: What? This will ruin me if I make them any more hideous! You can't make me do this!
D1: Remember the wager. You would be doing the same thing to me. Now get to work.
The Next Day
D2: Here I'm finished. I'm making anymore changes.
D1: (Laughter) This is perfect. You would have to be an idiot to buy these.
D2: Are you happy now you've ruined my career.
D1: What are you going to call them?
D2: I don't know....I haven't really thought about it.
D1: How about 'Uglies'
D2: Absolutely not!
D1: Ok fine....Umm...'Ugs'
D2: No, I will not name my ugly boots 'Ugs'
D1: Yes, that's my decision. They're called 'Ugs'
D2: But how do you expect me to market a boot called 'Ugs'?
D1: I don't know....put two 'G's in the name. People are stupid and will think that's cool.
D2: Fine.
D1: Don't forget to put fur on the outside.
D2: Fuck you! There is no way these are ever going to sell!
D1: No worries. All you need is to find a celebrity dumb enough to wear them.
(Long Pause)
D2: (Snaps then points to the air) I know just the person!
Five Months Later
(D2 pulls up in a brand new sports car)
D1: Where did you get that?
D2: My Uggs are a huge hit in America.
D1: You have got to be shitting me!
D2: I'm not kidding! It's amazing how many stupid people there are out there.
D1: How much are you charging for them?
D2: You're not going to believe me
D1: Tell me!!
D2: $200
D1: Now you're just messing with me
D2: Swear on my mother.
D2: And get this...
D1: What?
D2: (Fighting back laughter) ...Some people are wearing them on the outside of their pants
(Both Laugh)
D2: You need to capitalize on this before people start realizing what they're wearing.
D1: How? I don't have anything stupid looking.
D2: Remember those pants you made as a joke for one of your classes?
D1: What?
D2: Those stupid things that looked like parachute pants
D1: Oh, right. Those were capri pants though.
D2: Name them something stupid that will appeal to idiots and put them on the market.
D1: Like what?
D2: ...GAUCHOS!
D1: (Laughter) I like it.
Today both designers are working on a new product that is already sweeping across Japan. Its a new skirt and what you see is printed on. I wouldn't be surprised if I see some dumb bitches running around in these things by the end of next year.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:08 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Random thoughts while watching A Christmas Story for the 4th time.
*A fact that I have not seen mentioned in the Notre Dame BCS debate: Notre Dame has beaten just two teams with winning records. Those two you ask? A vastly underachieving Michigan squad and BYU. Apparently almost beating the number 1 team in the country is enough to get Notre Dame into the BCS. Just wanted to throw that out there.
*Adam Morrison of Gonzaga and Jake Plummer need to start some sort of holy alliance or something. That 40+ point performance is only the beginning. Thank you Jake Plummer for possibly spawning a trend of ridiculous facial hair leading to great play.
*I'd like to say something to whoever brought the crying kid on the plane from Atlanta to Minneapolis and had the good fortune of sitting next to me: I hate you and that smell was me not your screaming kid.
*Just because your sister's friends are all over 18 now doesn't make you any less creepy.
*There's no better sign of a good night when you and four of your friends are all sitting around in the morning trying to figure out how you got home and why one of them is missing his shirt.
*Is there a more helpless feeling in the world than realizing that there isn't any toilet paper after the fact? I can't think of one.
*You know you're starting to get old when you get excited about getting jumper cables for Christmas.
*Do you ever watch traffic and wonder how many of them are getting roadhead at the time? Uh...me either.
*Dick Clark can never die. Never I tell you. If he does he will leave us with Ryan Seacrest and Hillary Duff as the New Year's hosts. Which I'm pretty sure is one of the signs of the apocalypse.
*I found Tommy James and the Shondells Greatest Hits on cassette tape and bought it. Same goes for Toto and Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Needless to say I'm excited.
*Why are there handicap parking spaces in front of the ice skating rink? That's like saving a spot at the judges table at a swimsuit competition for a blind man.
*There's comedy, There's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's watching two overweight women in the 40's throwing punches over a $15 sweater in Wal-Mart. God bless America.
*A fact that I have not seen mentioned in the Notre Dame BCS debate: Notre Dame has beaten just two teams with winning records. Those two you ask? A vastly underachieving Michigan squad and BYU. Apparently almost beating the number 1 team in the country is enough to get Notre Dame into the BCS. Just wanted to throw that out there.
*Adam Morrison of Gonzaga and Jake Plummer need to start some sort of holy alliance or something. That 40+ point performance is only the beginning. Thank you Jake Plummer for possibly spawning a trend of ridiculous facial hair leading to great play.
*I'd like to say something to whoever brought the crying kid on the plane from Atlanta to Minneapolis and had the good fortune of sitting next to me: I hate you and that smell was me not your screaming kid.
*Just because your sister's friends are all over 18 now doesn't make you any less creepy.
*There's no better sign of a good night when you and four of your friends are all sitting around in the morning trying to figure out how you got home and why one of them is missing his shirt.
*Is there a more helpless feeling in the world than realizing that there isn't any toilet paper after the fact? I can't think of one.
*You know you're starting to get old when you get excited about getting jumper cables for Christmas.
*Do you ever watch traffic and wonder how many of them are getting roadhead at the time? Uh...me either.
*Dick Clark can never die. Never I tell you. If he does he will leave us with Ryan Seacrest and Hillary Duff as the New Year's hosts. Which I'm pretty sure is one of the signs of the apocalypse.
*I found Tommy James and the Shondells Greatest Hits on cassette tape and bought it. Same goes for Toto and Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Needless to say I'm excited.
*Why are there handicap parking spaces in front of the ice skating rink? That's like saving a spot at the judges table at a swimsuit competition for a blind man.
*There's comedy, There's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, then there's watching two overweight women in the 40's throwing punches over a $15 sweater in Wal-Mart. God bless America.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:07 PM
0 comments
Idiots Guide To Surviving Riots
You know how it goes. You're out celebrating your teams big win or loss, or even that you finally got laid (who cares if she was missing a few teeth). You meet up with more people celebrating the same cause, and before you know it there's a few hundred people out having a good time... or so it would seem. Before you know it a dumpster is on fire, tear gas is everywhere, and you're not drunk enough for this shit yet.
Riots can get out of control in a hurry. I know this first hand having been in three and possibly indirectly starting one. Don't believe me? Well, I was at this one this one and this one and if you don't pay attention you may find yourself sharing a jail cell with the resident pedofile or on the way to the hospital for emergency surgery. Here are a few things that may help you out the next time you are in a riot.
#1 Know Where The Cops Are
Duh. However, its easy to catch yourself staring at the pretty fires, dodging, drinking, and smashing beer bottles, or running to keep track of their movements. If you lose track of the cops it will lead to an assload of trouble. I saw them beat the shit out of a kid for throwing a beer can that landed 20 feet from the nearest cop.
Take me for example. During riot #2 I was standing in my front yard giving high fives to the fans leaving the hockey arena after our National Championship (it was shown on some big screens). I was having such a good time that I had no idea that 20-30 police officers in full riot gear were standing behind me. I was screwed. So, I tried to calmly turn around and walk by them into my house, but they wouldn't let me and told me that I needed to go home. I had been drinking all day and was completely perplexed. They wouldn't let me into my house but insisted that I go home. So I turned the other way and ran into another wall of police and started arguing. Horrible idea. Just horrible. Before I knew it they had drawn their......
#2 Pepper Spray
This shit is not fun, and I still don't know what I did to get drenched in it. If you see an officer reaching for it run away like you stole something (because you probably already have). I saw someone get sprayed in the face with this and it looked like he passed out on his George Foreman grill. I was lucky I saw it coming and turned away at the last second and got it on the back of my neck and arms, which still sucks.
Right after I got hit I scaled a wall like Spiderman to a window and climbed into my house. Now, if you get hit by pepper spray jump in the shower and let warm water run on you for about a half hour. It won't stop the burning but it helps. Milk helps if you get it in your mouth. Oh yeah, one more thing. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT rub the burning area in the shower then proceed to scratch your balls. You might as well light a match and hold it to your nutsack for 30 seconds. Jesus Christ did that hurt. Speaking of fire.
#3 Fires
A riot without a few fires is blowing your load early. Fun but you know you've missed out. At riot #3 in Mankato (after a routine football loss) the cops, who totally fucked that one up by the way, forced two huge outdoor parties into one area. The crowd started getting restless and started throwing beer bottles. This is when I overheard this, "Wow! What an awesome riot!". I replied by telling them that the police would not consider it a riot until the fires get started. Not three minutes later these same guys are pushing a dumpster out to the street and throwing lit matchbooks in it. This led to 4 more fires and the realization that I kind of started this riot.
Anyway, fires attract attention. So its best to keep your distance. People take pictures of the fires and those are usually the ones that end up on the police website asking for help to identify the kid without a shirt drinking Captain Morgan out of bottle and spitting at the fire.
All in all riots can be a great time. Especially when your friends run up to you and says things like "I just mooned the cops! I'm gonna go do it again" or "we're all going to go piss on the fire you should join us". Just remember to keep it safe and have fun. Otherwise you'll wonder why your balls really really itch the next day.
Riots can get out of control in a hurry. I know this first hand having been in three and possibly indirectly starting one. Don't believe me? Well, I was at this one this one and this one and if you don't pay attention you may find yourself sharing a jail cell with the resident pedofile or on the way to the hospital for emergency surgery. Here are a few things that may help you out the next time you are in a riot.
#1 Know Where The Cops Are
Duh. However, its easy to catch yourself staring at the pretty fires, dodging, drinking, and smashing beer bottles, or running to keep track of their movements. If you lose track of the cops it will lead to an assload of trouble. I saw them beat the shit out of a kid for throwing a beer can that landed 20 feet from the nearest cop.
Take me for example. During riot #2 I was standing in my front yard giving high fives to the fans leaving the hockey arena after our National Championship (it was shown on some big screens). I was having such a good time that I had no idea that 20-30 police officers in full riot gear were standing behind me. I was screwed. So, I tried to calmly turn around and walk by them into my house, but they wouldn't let me and told me that I needed to go home. I had been drinking all day and was completely perplexed. They wouldn't let me into my house but insisted that I go home. So I turned the other way and ran into another wall of police and started arguing. Horrible idea. Just horrible. Before I knew it they had drawn their......
#2 Pepper Spray
This shit is not fun, and I still don't know what I did to get drenched in it. If you see an officer reaching for it run away like you stole something (because you probably already have). I saw someone get sprayed in the face with this and it looked like he passed out on his George Foreman grill. I was lucky I saw it coming and turned away at the last second and got it on the back of my neck and arms, which still sucks.
Right after I got hit I scaled a wall like Spiderman to a window and climbed into my house. Now, if you get hit by pepper spray jump in the shower and let warm water run on you for about a half hour. It won't stop the burning but it helps. Milk helps if you get it in your mouth. Oh yeah, one more thing. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT rub the burning area in the shower then proceed to scratch your balls. You might as well light a match and hold it to your nutsack for 30 seconds. Jesus Christ did that hurt. Speaking of fire.
#3 Fires
A riot without a few fires is blowing your load early. Fun but you know you've missed out. At riot #3 in Mankato (after a routine football loss) the cops, who totally fucked that one up by the way, forced two huge outdoor parties into one area. The crowd started getting restless and started throwing beer bottles. This is when I overheard this, "Wow! What an awesome riot!". I replied by telling them that the police would not consider it a riot until the fires get started. Not three minutes later these same guys are pushing a dumpster out to the street and throwing lit matchbooks in it. This led to 4 more fires and the realization that I kind of started this riot.
Anyway, fires attract attention. So its best to keep your distance. People take pictures of the fires and those are usually the ones that end up on the police website asking for help to identify the kid without a shirt drinking Captain Morgan out of bottle and spitting at the fire.
All in all riots can be a great time. Especially when your friends run up to you and says things like "I just mooned the cops! I'm gonna go do it again" or "we're all going to go piss on the fire you should join us". Just remember to keep it safe and have fun. Otherwise you'll wonder why your balls really really itch the next day.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:06 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Random thoughts while wondering home after a day of drinking.
*You haven't lived until you walk out of a liquor store with a gross of beer for three people. Especially if you've never tasted the beer beforehand.
*I'm actually envious of the homless guy by my apartment. He owns a Minnesota State Screaming Eagles (from the show Coach) Starter Jacket. I'm waiting for it to get warmer to make him an offer for it.
*If you're ironing for the first time it's not the best idea to start with your favorite shirt.
*I get a somewhat proud feeling when I expose a bum's scam to get money. Like I've just solved a crime.
*You won't believe what people will do if you convince them that you are a doctor of alternative medicine. For example, eating 4 sugar cubes as fast as you can will cure a hangover.
*Ladies, if you're going to put on make-up in the morning before class then at least change out of your pajamas. You look rediculous, especially when you're wearing huge boots with your pajama pants.
*If the upcoming WWE produced movie See No Evil is anything like the XFL I think we'll have a huge hit on our hands, or at the very least another reason to laugh at WWE fans.
*You gotta love it when your mom calls on the weekend and you tell her you're at the library (which is a bar) and she's disappointed that you're not out drinking.
*Times are changing now that I've become the moonee instead of the mooner.
*I think it would be funny if people actually carried "V-Cards" around and had to give them away upon losing thier virginity or risk punishment to the fullest extent of the law.
*I never realized how big of a nerd I was until I high fived someone I just met right after completing the daily Sudoku.
* Paris Hilton has reportedly turned down Playboy numerous times. Now I'll never see her naked.
* I heard that women guess other women's ages buy looking at their skin. That's usually one of the last things that goes through my, and probably most men's mind when we look at women's "skin".
* How do you take a teacher seriously when she looks like the female version of Robin Williams complete with the hairy arms? Seriously, I can't do it.
* There is no reason to go ten miles per hour under the speed limit simply because there is light drizzle. Yes, I'm talking to you Minnesota drivers. Pussies.
*Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
* Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Was he retarded?
* Is it mean to buy illiterate people Alphabet soup?
* Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? I don't claim to be a marketing genius but wouldn't they want the people without cable to get cable?
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendant comedy, then there's witnessing someone not properly brace themselves on the bus and take a few people down with them when they stumble.
*You haven't lived until you walk out of a liquor store with a gross of beer for three people. Especially if you've never tasted the beer beforehand.
*I'm actually envious of the homless guy by my apartment. He owns a Minnesota State Screaming Eagles (from the show Coach) Starter Jacket. I'm waiting for it to get warmer to make him an offer for it.
*If you're ironing for the first time it's not the best idea to start with your favorite shirt.
*I get a somewhat proud feeling when I expose a bum's scam to get money. Like I've just solved a crime.
*You won't believe what people will do if you convince them that you are a doctor of alternative medicine. For example, eating 4 sugar cubes as fast as you can will cure a hangover.
*Ladies, if you're going to put on make-up in the morning before class then at least change out of your pajamas. You look rediculous, especially when you're wearing huge boots with your pajama pants.
*If the upcoming WWE produced movie See No Evil is anything like the XFL I think we'll have a huge hit on our hands, or at the very least another reason to laugh at WWE fans.
*You gotta love it when your mom calls on the weekend and you tell her you're at the library (which is a bar) and she's disappointed that you're not out drinking.
*Times are changing now that I've become the moonee instead of the mooner.
*I think it would be funny if people actually carried "V-Cards" around and had to give them away upon losing thier virginity or risk punishment to the fullest extent of the law.
*I never realized how big of a nerd I was until I high fived someone I just met right after completing the daily Sudoku.
* Paris Hilton has reportedly turned down Playboy numerous times. Now I'll never see her naked.
* I heard that women guess other women's ages buy looking at their skin. That's usually one of the last things that goes through my, and probably most men's mind when we look at women's "skin".
* How do you take a teacher seriously when she looks like the female version of Robin Williams complete with the hairy arms? Seriously, I can't do it.
* There is no reason to go ten miles per hour under the speed limit simply because there is light drizzle. Yes, I'm talking to you Minnesota drivers. Pussies.
*Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
* Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Was he retarded?
* Is it mean to buy illiterate people Alphabet soup?
* Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? I don't claim to be a marketing genius but wouldn't they want the people without cable to get cable?
*There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendant comedy, then there's witnessing someone not properly brace themselves on the bus and take a few people down with them when they stumble.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:06 PM
0 comments
When Tragedy Strikes
There comes a time in a man's life he's taken to his limits. A time where his will and tolerance is tested. These times are tough on anyone who happens to fall upon them. You would do anything for it to be over so you can return to your normal daily routine. However, minutes seem like hours, hours seem like days. You start for look for things to keep your mind off what is troubling you, but everywhere you look seems to contain haunting reminders of what you're missing. But you have to fight through it because you know the light at the end of the tunnel is within reach. When it is all said and done you know you're a better man for getting by.
Such a time fell upon me the summer after my freshman year of college. I was back home in South Dakota working, drinking, and playing golf. June seemed to fly by, and July was no different (except for a very drunken 4th). August rolled around and was going swimmingly until the weekend of the 23rd. It started out as a seemingly harmless weekend. I followed a night of drinking with the early morning company softball game. It was the top of the 2nd in the first game and I had added three more beers to my already drunken state. Then it happened. A low throw that, instead of making an athletic move and bending my knees, I fell at.
I remember a sharp pain followed by the second basemen yelling at me to get up and get the ball and all I could do was look at her yelling at me and thinking "Jesus Mom, I think I broke my hand". After speaking with several wannabe drunken "doctors" I drove myself to the emergency room for the first time in my life. The doctors confirmed the break and put me in something that looked like something straight from a MacGyver episode and sent me on my way.
The break would require major surgery to repair the bone and other collateral damage. It wasn't until the next day that I realized the true extent of my injury. I had just broke any semblance of a sex life that I had. I was 20 year old ball sexual frustration as it was and now I was without a way to relieve the "pressure". Sure I still had my right hand but it wasn't the same. In fact, it was almost awkward like I was cheating on my left hand. I had perfected my craft as a lefty and was not about to change. The only thing that seemed to help were the pain killers, which were great since it was the first time I was on something stronger than aspirin.
The first two months of following semester were hell. I would sit out on my porch and watch the girls run by in their tiny shorts and sports bras. Instead of picturing them naked like every other guy I had to think about baseball and play six degrees to Kevin Bacon with myself instead of going inside with fresh images and "playing with myself". Showers were uneventful and depressing. I tried to get creative and find new ways to get rid of the growing sexual build-up, but nothing could replace lefty and our man to hand relationship.
I tried to pick up girls during these troubling times but nobody wanted to have sex with a cripple. Especially one who guaranteed to last no longer than 90 seconds in the sack. I had hit rock bottom sexually. There was absolutely nothing I could do to please myself. Until I stumbled upon my savior.
One of my roommates had a big stress ball. After failed attempts to cut a hole in it with one hand I decided to use it to rehabilitate my surgically repaired hand. I would squeeze the shit out of that thing every chance I had, and before I knew it my hand was recovered. I had made it and all I had to do now was wait for my roommate to leave and it was off to euphoria.
You know what? I feel like a better man.
Such a time fell upon me the summer after my freshman year of college. I was back home in South Dakota working, drinking, and playing golf. June seemed to fly by, and July was no different (except for a very drunken 4th). August rolled around and was going swimmingly until the weekend of the 23rd. It started out as a seemingly harmless weekend. I followed a night of drinking with the early morning company softball game. It was the top of the 2nd in the first game and I had added three more beers to my already drunken state. Then it happened. A low throw that, instead of making an athletic move and bending my knees, I fell at.
I remember a sharp pain followed by the second basemen yelling at me to get up and get the ball and all I could do was look at her yelling at me and thinking "Jesus Mom, I think I broke my hand". After speaking with several wannabe drunken "doctors" I drove myself to the emergency room for the first time in my life. The doctors confirmed the break and put me in something that looked like something straight from a MacGyver episode and sent me on my way.
The break would require major surgery to repair the bone and other collateral damage. It wasn't until the next day that I realized the true extent of my injury. I had just broke any semblance of a sex life that I had. I was 20 year old ball sexual frustration as it was and now I was without a way to relieve the "pressure". Sure I still had my right hand but it wasn't the same. In fact, it was almost awkward like I was cheating on my left hand. I had perfected my craft as a lefty and was not about to change. The only thing that seemed to help were the pain killers, which were great since it was the first time I was on something stronger than aspirin.
The first two months of following semester were hell. I would sit out on my porch and watch the girls run by in their tiny shorts and sports bras. Instead of picturing them naked like every other guy I had to think about baseball and play six degrees to Kevin Bacon with myself instead of going inside with fresh images and "playing with myself". Showers were uneventful and depressing. I tried to get creative and find new ways to get rid of the growing sexual build-up, but nothing could replace lefty and our man to hand relationship.
I tried to pick up girls during these troubling times but nobody wanted to have sex with a cripple. Especially one who guaranteed to last no longer than 90 seconds in the sack. I had hit rock bottom sexually. There was absolutely nothing I could do to please myself. Until I stumbled upon my savior.
One of my roommates had a big stress ball. After failed attempts to cut a hole in it with one hand I decided to use it to rehabilitate my surgically repaired hand. I would squeeze the shit out of that thing every chance I had, and before I knew it my hand was recovered. I had made it and all I had to do now was wait for my roommate to leave and it was off to euphoria.
You know what? I feel like a better man.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:05 PM
0 comments
15 Greatest Film Robots
For this list I counted cyborgs and androids as robots. I realize that I missed a lot of the older robots, but that's because I never saw their films or television shows. I didn't really follow a time frame just as long as they appeared in a televison show or a movie.
15. The Fembots Austin Powers
You gotta love Cindy Margolis and others dressed up as a bedroom barbie complete with "machine-gun jubblies"
14. Rosie The Jetsons
Maid outfit. Obeys every command. What's not to like?
13. Gigalo Joe AI
David may be ''A.I.'''s protagonist, but it's cynical Joe, with his contempt for the humans who've built him, used him, and discarded him, that makes the movie tolarable.
12. Dot Matrix Space Balls
I can't really put my finger on why a wise cracking robot voiced by Joan Rivers would make any sense, but somehow this movie pulls it off.
11. Sid 6.7 Virtuocity
The only reason he's on this list is because he's the only robot I can think of that can regenerate his limbs.
10. Crow T. Robot & Tom Servo Mystery Science Theater 3000
These are the two robots that Joel created on the "Satellite of Love" to keep him company while he watches horrible movies. Fun fact: The show first aired on a local channel in the Twin Cities
9. Sonny I, Robot
For some reason Sonny scares me a little.
8. K.I.T.T. Knight Rider
It probably helped that this robot car starred alongside TV legend David Hasselhoff
7. Bender Futurama
Comprising of 40% Zinc and 40% Titanium he later attended Bending State college where he majored in Bending and minored in Robo-American studies
6. C3PO & R2D2 Star Wars
I still to this day have no idea how C2PO could understand R2D2's beeps and whistles or why he had a British accent.
5. Number 5 Short Circuit
#5 Alive!! #5 Alive!!
4. Lt Commander Data Star Trek: The Next Generation
I think he was a twist on Spock's character only this time with childlike curiosity and he's an andriod.
3. The Terminators Terminator Trilogy
Good or evil these robots are surprisingly adaptable. They also look good in sunglasses and leather. Especially Kristanna Loken
2. Robo Cop RoboCop
The monotone law-enforcing machine who's mind is a crimal database and body is bullet proof. Not to mention he'll shoot through someone's legs to hit your groin.
1. Optimus Prime Transformers
I may or may not have cried during the death of Optimus Prime.
15. The Fembots Austin Powers
You gotta love Cindy Margolis and others dressed up as a bedroom barbie complete with "machine-gun jubblies"
14. Rosie The Jetsons
Maid outfit. Obeys every command. What's not to like?
13. Gigalo Joe AI
David may be ''A.I.'''s protagonist, but it's cynical Joe, with his contempt for the humans who've built him, used him, and discarded him, that makes the movie tolarable.
12. Dot Matrix Space Balls
I can't really put my finger on why a wise cracking robot voiced by Joan Rivers would make any sense, but somehow this movie pulls it off.
11. Sid 6.7 Virtuocity
The only reason he's on this list is because he's the only robot I can think of that can regenerate his limbs.
10. Crow T. Robot & Tom Servo Mystery Science Theater 3000
These are the two robots that Joel created on the "Satellite of Love" to keep him company while he watches horrible movies. Fun fact: The show first aired on a local channel in the Twin Cities
9. Sonny I, Robot
For some reason Sonny scares me a little.
8. K.I.T.T. Knight Rider
It probably helped that this robot car starred alongside TV legend David Hasselhoff
7. Bender Futurama
Comprising of 40% Zinc and 40% Titanium he later attended Bending State college where he majored in Bending and minored in Robo-American studies
6. C3PO & R2D2 Star Wars
I still to this day have no idea how C2PO could understand R2D2's beeps and whistles or why he had a British accent.
5. Number 5 Short Circuit
#5 Alive!! #5 Alive!!
4. Lt Commander Data Star Trek: The Next Generation
I think he was a twist on Spock's character only this time with childlike curiosity and he's an andriod.
3. The Terminators Terminator Trilogy
Good or evil these robots are surprisingly adaptable. They also look good in sunglasses and leather. Especially Kristanna Loken
2. Robo Cop RoboCop
The monotone law-enforcing machine who's mind is a crimal database and body is bullet proof. Not to mention he'll shoot through someone's legs to hit your groin.
1. Optimus Prime Transformers
I may or may not have cried during the death of Optimus Prime.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:04 PM
0 comments
St Valentine's Altenatives
For most of us, and by us I mean men and single people, Valentine's Day is just an excuse for us to feel sorry for ourselves or spend way too much money on something a woman doesn't really need in the first place. True every commercial you see is trying to tell you that you will surly get pussy if you take/buy your significant other their product. Honestly, they're full of shit. This will probably never change. I realize I'm not the ideal person to be telling you how to live your life, but I do know how to make the most of nothing. That's what this day is, nothing (unless you're a girl in a relationship or an owner of a jewelry store). So, if you're like me and don't own a jewelry store or a pussy you probably need something other than Cupid shooting you in the ass to get you through the day.
Rent Some Porn
Hey, its cheaper than dating. You can even save more money if you're already hoarding a porn stash in the back of you closet like I know a few of our readers are doing. You also don't have to have that awkward talk when you're finished with your business. Don't be ashamed that you have to "resort to porn". Think of it this way. Everyone else is spending lots of money in hopes to get some action, but with porn and a vivid imagination its a guarantee.
The Strip Club
Nothing says romance like the strip club. The smell of old semen in the air, the angry strippers who were forced to work on Valentine's day because a rich customer forgot about them, and the over priced booze. This will probably be your best chance to "meet" cinnamon outside of the club if you finally play your cards right. Otherwise there's always Gladys. Who cares if she reminds you of you grandma its Valentine's Day.
Head to the Bar
If you're still interested in trying to find someone to be your special valentine this is probably the best place to find them. If you're lucky their inhibitions should be lowered just enough to where they would consider you as an option. If this isn't the case not all is lost, you're still at a bar and they still sell alcohol. Who knows, there is still a chance that someone as desperate as you will walk through that door, take a look around the bar, and realize that you're the best they are going to do that night. If all goes right the walk of shame should be in your immediate future. Good luck.
Steak & BJ Day
We all know that Valentine's Day is a holiday designed for women and that's fine, they deserve a day like that. But what do men have? We get the short end of the stick on Valentine's Day. So guys and gals, if you're a couple then this upcoming March 2nd celebrate Steak & BJ day. Steak & BJ day is pretty self explanatory, and to be honest we're not asking for much. Just an $10 piece of meat and a little "TLC". Girls get upwards of $100 and the royal treatment for the entire day or at least you would if Steak & BJ day was in the guys future. Think about it. You would have the greatest Valentine's ever. If the guy goes to extremes to make you happy, and he will, you go the extra mile on S&BJ day. If he just buys you a card and takes you to Taco Bell, then you buy him the smallest steak and use a some teeth on the BJ. S&BJ could be the best thing that ever happens to Valentines day. Having him know that his performance on that day will directly effect S&BJ day will make Valentines days from now on the best days of your lives and all it costs you is around $10 a year and a little dignity.
Rent Some Porn
Hey, its cheaper than dating. You can even save more money if you're already hoarding a porn stash in the back of you closet like I know a few of our readers are doing. You also don't have to have that awkward talk when you're finished with your business. Don't be ashamed that you have to "resort to porn". Think of it this way. Everyone else is spending lots of money in hopes to get some action, but with porn and a vivid imagination its a guarantee.
The Strip Club
Nothing says romance like the strip club. The smell of old semen in the air, the angry strippers who were forced to work on Valentine's day because a rich customer forgot about them, and the over priced booze. This will probably be your best chance to "meet" cinnamon outside of the club if you finally play your cards right. Otherwise there's always Gladys. Who cares if she reminds you of you grandma its Valentine's Day.
Head to the Bar
If you're still interested in trying to find someone to be your special valentine this is probably the best place to find them. If you're lucky their inhibitions should be lowered just enough to where they would consider you as an option. If this isn't the case not all is lost, you're still at a bar and they still sell alcohol. Who knows, there is still a chance that someone as desperate as you will walk through that door, take a look around the bar, and realize that you're the best they are going to do that night. If all goes right the walk of shame should be in your immediate future. Good luck.
Steak & BJ Day
We all know that Valentine's Day is a holiday designed for women and that's fine, they deserve a day like that. But what do men have? We get the short end of the stick on Valentine's Day. So guys and gals, if you're a couple then this upcoming March 2nd celebrate Steak & BJ day. Steak & BJ day is pretty self explanatory, and to be honest we're not asking for much. Just an $10 piece of meat and a little "TLC". Girls get upwards of $100 and the royal treatment for the entire day or at least you would if Steak & BJ day was in the guys future. Think about it. You would have the greatest Valentine's ever. If the guy goes to extremes to make you happy, and he will, you go the extra mile on S&BJ day. If he just buys you a card and takes you to Taco Bell, then you buy him the smallest steak and use a some teeth on the BJ. S&BJ could be the best thing that ever happens to Valentines day. Having him know that his performance on that day will directly effect S&BJ day will make Valentines days from now on the best days of your lives and all it costs you is around $10 a year and a little dignity.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:03 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Random thoughts while sitting outside a Victoria's Secret.
* I wasn't surprised for one second upon learning that the fat chick in one of my classes smelled like hot dogs.
* It's hard to get excited about the day when someone tells you that it's "snot freezing cold" outside.
*Apparently American Idol beat the piss out of the Olympics in the ratings. You would at least think that figure skating would lure some of American Idol's effeminate teen boy viewers away.
*I wonder if Jesus ever exclaim "Oh God!" when he ejaculated.
*Sign #786 I'm going to hell: I saw a retarded kid at Target playing with a Rubik's Cube and found it extremely hilarious. I seriously considered taking a picture with my camera phone.
*Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington, as well as all her calves to their stalls, but we are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country? Maybe we should give them all a cow.
*I was watching The Fugitive the other day and wondered, "how would they hand cuff the one armed man if they caught him?"
*Can a hearse driver drive in the carpool lane?
*I wish I had just once said. "Teacher, leave them kids alone."
*One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle becomes synchronised with a complete stranger.
*Have you ever flushed half way through a pee and then raced against the flush? It really makes your bathroom visits much more interesting.
*You cannot respect a man who carries a dog. Never.
*The more I think about the more it bothers me that I can't figure out where my metal coat hangers came from.
*There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you get your head caught in something.
* There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendant comedy, then there's watching drunk skanky girls run into a glass door then hit it in frustration.
* I wasn't surprised for one second upon learning that the fat chick in one of my classes smelled like hot dogs.
* It's hard to get excited about the day when someone tells you that it's "snot freezing cold" outside.
*Apparently American Idol beat the piss out of the Olympics in the ratings. You would at least think that figure skating would lure some of American Idol's effeminate teen boy viewers away.
*I wonder if Jesus ever exclaim "Oh God!" when he ejaculated.
*Sign #786 I'm going to hell: I saw a retarded kid at Target playing with a Rubik's Cube and found it extremely hilarious. I seriously considered taking a picture with my camera phone.
*Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington, as well as all her calves to their stalls, but we are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country? Maybe we should give them all a cow.
*I was watching The Fugitive the other day and wondered, "how would they hand cuff the one armed man if they caught him?"
*Can a hearse driver drive in the carpool lane?
*I wish I had just once said. "Teacher, leave them kids alone."
*One of the most awkward things that can happen in a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle becomes synchronised with a complete stranger.
*Have you ever flushed half way through a pee and then raced against the flush? It really makes your bathroom visits much more interesting.
*You cannot respect a man who carries a dog. Never.
*The more I think about the more it bothers me that I can't figure out where my metal coat hangers came from.
*There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you get your head caught in something.
* There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendant comedy, then there's watching drunk skanky girls run into a glass door then hit it in frustration.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:03 PM
0 comments
Me & The Bouncers
It's no secret that I like to enjoy a few beers and a fine establishment from time to time. Almost always these occurrences go down without a hitch. We either talk about sports or I sit and pretend to listen while my friends bitch about their big time corporate jobs. Either way we've never run into trouble. That was until last summer.
It started out seemingly harmless. My roommate was leaving town and was having a going away party at a local bar called 'Burrito Loco' or as I like to call it "The Crazy Burrito". I was having a good time. Telling stories, staring at the scantily clad ladies, kicking everyone's ass in darts, and bragging about how I was kicking everyone's ass in darts. Then the rain stopped. Up until then it was pouring and my friends were getting pissed because they needed a cigarette.
I should probably tell you that there is a smoking ban in Minneapolis, which I'm completely fine with since I'm allergic to smoke. However, almost all of my friends smoke and they were pissed. They would go to a bar that had outdoor plumbing and exclusively served warm tequila if they could smoke in there. I had a friend who was flying to England and his list of things he was afraid of when like this: 1) Not being able to smoke for 18hrs. 2) Crashing. 3) Being seated next to a clown. It's sad, but I'm digressing.
I just finished my third beer and decided I needed some fresh air and stepped out with them. After I settled a heated argument about what Superman's real name was we went back inside. My friends went ahead and went back upstairs since that's where the bar was and I went to say hi to a girl I knew as well as her hot friend. After almost immediately striking out I turn to go back up to the bar.
I walked up to the bouncers and showed them my admission stamp. I started heading up the steps (keep in mind that it had been raining) and about three steps up I slip and fall to my knee. At that point the bouncers tell me I've had too much to drink and ask me to leave. I thought they were joking so I gave them the courtesy laugh and continued upstairs. They must have said something in their walkie talkies because right when I got to the top of the stairs this bouncer who looks like the lead singer from Nickelback on steroids tackles me into the wall.
Me: What the fuck?
Bouncer: You have to leave?
Me: What the hell did I do?
Bouncer: Sir, you have to leave?
Me: Tell me what I did.
Bouncer: Come with me to bottom of the stairs and we'll discuss it.
Me: This is fucking ridiculous.
So we head downstairs because I'm apparently wasted out of my mind off of 3 beers. I mean I can't even walk up steps. There case loses credibility as we walk down the stairs as Mr. Nickelback nearly slips and falls on his ass on the way down.
Bouncer: Sir, you're too intoxicated to stay in the bar.
Me: I just got here. Your queer friend here gave me my stamp like an hour ago.
Bouncer: You could have drank before you came to the bar.
Me: That's just a bullshit assumption (even though I did)
Bouncer: Either you leave now or we will have to remove you physically.
Being thrown out of a bar had always looked like fun to me, and these guys seem like they were chomping at the bit to do it. In fact, I would bet money that they jack eachother off to scenarios like this every day at the gym inbetween protein drinks. So, I thought about it for a little bit. Called my friends and told them to bring my coat downstairs. Looked at the bouncer with the best pissed off expression I could muster.
"Fine, throw me out."
His eyes lit up like someone just bought him a $100 gift certificate to GNC. He then said something into his walkie talkie and within two minutes 3 other bouncers showed up with looks on their faces like they were at a gang bang. 3 of them pick me up while the other two make a path, and I pretend to be pissed off and start apologizing for calling them cum guzzling ass pirates. We finally make it to the door and they throw me a good five feet on to the pavement.
Just as I was getting done telling the bouncers that they throw like pussies my friends emerged from the bar laughing hysterically. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I'm far too drunk for this bar and they had to physically remove me," I replied.
"But you just started drinking," one friend said.
"That's what I told them and they didn't believe me. "
"You dumbass. Lets go across the street"
*Across the street at a different bar*
Bouncer: He can't come in. We saw him get thrown out of the Loco.
Me: What is your name?
Bouncer: Joe.
Me: Joe.....go fuck yourself.
Joe still won't let me into that bar to this day.
It started out seemingly harmless. My roommate was leaving town and was having a going away party at a local bar called 'Burrito Loco' or as I like to call it "The Crazy Burrito". I was having a good time. Telling stories, staring at the scantily clad ladies, kicking everyone's ass in darts, and bragging about how I was kicking everyone's ass in darts. Then the rain stopped. Up until then it was pouring and my friends were getting pissed because they needed a cigarette.
I should probably tell you that there is a smoking ban in Minneapolis, which I'm completely fine with since I'm allergic to smoke. However, almost all of my friends smoke and they were pissed. They would go to a bar that had outdoor plumbing and exclusively served warm tequila if they could smoke in there. I had a friend who was flying to England and his list of things he was afraid of when like this: 1) Not being able to smoke for 18hrs. 2) Crashing. 3) Being seated next to a clown. It's sad, but I'm digressing.
I just finished my third beer and decided I needed some fresh air and stepped out with them. After I settled a heated argument about what Superman's real name was we went back inside. My friends went ahead and went back upstairs since that's where the bar was and I went to say hi to a girl I knew as well as her hot friend. After almost immediately striking out I turn to go back up to the bar.
I walked up to the bouncers and showed them my admission stamp. I started heading up the steps (keep in mind that it had been raining) and about three steps up I slip and fall to my knee. At that point the bouncers tell me I've had too much to drink and ask me to leave. I thought they were joking so I gave them the courtesy laugh and continued upstairs. They must have said something in their walkie talkies because right when I got to the top of the stairs this bouncer who looks like the lead singer from Nickelback on steroids tackles me into the wall.
Me: What the fuck?
Bouncer: You have to leave?
Me: What the hell did I do?
Bouncer: Sir, you have to leave?
Me: Tell me what I did.
Bouncer: Come with me to bottom of the stairs and we'll discuss it.
Me: This is fucking ridiculous.
So we head downstairs because I'm apparently wasted out of my mind off of 3 beers. I mean I can't even walk up steps. There case loses credibility as we walk down the stairs as Mr. Nickelback nearly slips and falls on his ass on the way down.
Bouncer: Sir, you're too intoxicated to stay in the bar.
Me: I just got here. Your queer friend here gave me my stamp like an hour ago.
Bouncer: You could have drank before you came to the bar.
Me: That's just a bullshit assumption (even though I did)
Bouncer: Either you leave now or we will have to remove you physically.
Being thrown out of a bar had always looked like fun to me, and these guys seem like they were chomping at the bit to do it. In fact, I would bet money that they jack eachother off to scenarios like this every day at the gym inbetween protein drinks. So, I thought about it for a little bit. Called my friends and told them to bring my coat downstairs. Looked at the bouncer with the best pissed off expression I could muster.
"Fine, throw me out."
His eyes lit up like someone just bought him a $100 gift certificate to GNC. He then said something into his walkie talkie and within two minutes 3 other bouncers showed up with looks on their faces like they were at a gang bang. 3 of them pick me up while the other two make a path, and I pretend to be pissed off and start apologizing for calling them cum guzzling ass pirates. We finally make it to the door and they throw me a good five feet on to the pavement.
Just as I was getting done telling the bouncers that they throw like pussies my friends emerged from the bar laughing hysterically. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I'm far too drunk for this bar and they had to physically remove me," I replied.
"But you just started drinking," one friend said.
"That's what I told them and they didn't believe me. "
"You dumbass. Lets go across the street"
*Across the street at a different bar*
Bouncer: He can't come in. We saw him get thrown out of the Loco.
Me: What is your name?
Bouncer: Joe.
Me: Joe.....go fuck yourself.
Joe still won't let me into that bar to this day.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:00 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Random thoughts while downloading porn at 14kb per second:
*Nothing tests your multitasking skills like trying to hold in a fart while you're making out and/or having sex.
*I nearly went on a three state killing spree because I couldn't get that damn Reading Rainbow song out of my head nor could I explain how it got there.
*A part you dies when you 'google' your name and one of the links says "funny chubby chad".
*Do you have to fail an IQ test to get on Deal or No Deal?
*Nothing tests your multitasking skills like trying to hold in a fart while you're making out and/or having sex.
*I nearly went on a three state killing spree because I couldn't get that damn Reading Rainbow song out of my head nor could I explain how it got there.
*A part you dies when you 'google' your name and one of the links says "funny chubby chad".
*Do you have to fail an IQ test to get on Deal or No Deal?
*I went to lift weights the other day for the first time in awhile and I saw a girl half my size benching the same amount as me. I stopped right there and I picked up my testicles and left.
*How many times do you let a hot girl call you the wrong name before correcting her? I say 10.
*I still can't get used to the phrase "Oscar winners 2 Live Crew".
*I saw a guy in a "Rage Against The Machine" t-shirt angrily slapping the side of an ATM the other day. I think he became angrier when I pointed out the coincidence.
*Would the son of Godzilla be called Jesuszilla?
*You know that look that women get when they want sex? Me niether.
*Whoever came up with ice fishing must have had the worst marriage on the planet.
*I don't like to say bad things about the illiterate. I write it so they don't find out.
*I bet a reacharound from Suffleupagus would be soft and gentle.
*I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. I thought that was cocky.
*Sometimes I like to pretend I'm drunk when I'm driving just to see if I can get pulled over. If I do I accuse the cop of racism.
*I have a friend who bought an HDTV but refuses to get the HD channel package. Thats like bringing a hot chick home from the bar then finding out you don't have a penis
* Reason #318 I'm going to hell: while at the mall I saw a 4 or 5 year not paying attention while he was walking and walked right into a fountain. I was close enough to stop him, but I wanted to see how it would play out.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:59 PM
0 comments
Jesus vs Superman
Some people were talking about who would win in a fight between Jesus and Superman and that got me thinking. Who actually would win in a fight or at least has the best chance to win? I thought about it at work for about 4hrs and made a case for both men. I’m going to assume that Jesus is going to abandon his peaceful ways and not pull any punches in the fight. Same goes for Superman since that dumb bitch Lois Lane isn’t in any immediate trouble. So, who would win?
The Case For Jesus
Jesus is all powerful, which is what he needs to stand a chance. He can supposedly conjure up anything on Earth he needs to win this fight. He can match Superman’s strength and speed. I’m assuming flight wouldn’t be a problem for him either. Not to mention he has a posse of 12 men who will do anything for him. Last time I checked Superman worked alone. Also, no one can take a beating like Jesus. Last time I saw something withstand a beating like the one he got in The Passion of the Christ was my penis shortly after I discovered porn. So Superman is going to have to be in superb shape to go the distance in fight with Jesus. I mean with all the walking Jesus does he has to be in great shape, and I think Superman is susceptible to fatigue. I’m going by what I’m told since I’ve never tried to get in shape. I also don’t think Jesus is stupid enough to get stuck in a piece of glass and subsequently hurled into space, which, as we all know, is Superman’s favorite move. Put all of this together and you have one hell of an opponent for Superman.
The Case For Superman
First of all Jesus isn’t immortal. I think he died on some wood or something. So he can be taken down. Superman also has more fighting experience than Jesus since he fights crime on a daily basis as opposed to preaching peace like Jesus. I believe that will be huge. Superman can also take a pretty good beating as well, and since Kryptonite isn’t a substance that can be found on Earth Jesus can’t use it. If his dad didn’t create it then he has no power over it, so Jesus’ powers are only limited to Earth because I don’t believe that Krypton has the same God as Earth. It just doesn’t make sense. Why would they get to fly while I’m stuck walking around with very limited strength? Superman will have to do anything he can to end this fight quickly because I believe his chances get worse the longer the fight goes on. With that said I think his experience will allow him to get an early advantage that should carry on throughout the fight.
So, who ya got?
The Case For Jesus
Jesus is all powerful, which is what he needs to stand a chance. He can supposedly conjure up anything on Earth he needs to win this fight. He can match Superman’s strength and speed. I’m assuming flight wouldn’t be a problem for him either. Not to mention he has a posse of 12 men who will do anything for him. Last time I checked Superman worked alone. Also, no one can take a beating like Jesus. Last time I saw something withstand a beating like the one he got in The Passion of the Christ was my penis shortly after I discovered porn. So Superman is going to have to be in superb shape to go the distance in fight with Jesus. I mean with all the walking Jesus does he has to be in great shape, and I think Superman is susceptible to fatigue. I’m going by what I’m told since I’ve never tried to get in shape. I also don’t think Jesus is stupid enough to get stuck in a piece of glass and subsequently hurled into space, which, as we all know, is Superman’s favorite move. Put all of this together and you have one hell of an opponent for Superman.
The Case For Superman
First of all Jesus isn’t immortal. I think he died on some wood or something. So he can be taken down. Superman also has more fighting experience than Jesus since he fights crime on a daily basis as opposed to preaching peace like Jesus. I believe that will be huge. Superman can also take a pretty good beating as well, and since Kryptonite isn’t a substance that can be found on Earth Jesus can’t use it. If his dad didn’t create it then he has no power over it, so Jesus’ powers are only limited to Earth because I don’t believe that Krypton has the same God as Earth. It just doesn’t make sense. Why would they get to fly while I’m stuck walking around with very limited strength? Superman will have to do anything he can to end this fight quickly because I believe his chances get worse the longer the fight goes on. With that said I think his experience will allow him to get an early advantage that should carry on throughout the fight.
So, who ya got?
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:58 PM
0 comments
My First and Last Beer Bong
I can't chug beer. Its no secret, everybody knows it and everybody tries to exploit it for their amusement. I mean I can drink my fair share just not quickly. My friends think it's funny to grab some freshman girl and set up a chugging contest between myself and the 110 girl from southwestern Minnesota only to publicly question my manhood after I get my ass kicked and lose by a half beer. The worst part is that I really try to win. If you look at me after a chugging attempt it looks like I just walked out of a room full of tear gas. My face is red, my eyes are watering, and I'm breathing weird. Kind of like after sex only the women feel more satisfied. So, I've always tried to avoid doing a beer bong because of my chugging ineptitude.
Until this summer.
You see while a lot you were studying, doing homework, or looking for a job I was trying to improve my chugging skills. I was tired of falling short of that allusive 10 second keg stand. I was tired of losing chugging contest to girls half my size on their first time ever out drinking. Most of all I was tired of getting made fun of for never doing a beer bong When you drink as much as my friends and I do you need the complete alcoholic package. Being able to consistently finish in the top three during the annual case race wasn't enough anymore. This was it, my friends, the year I was finally going to conquer the very thing that has been holding my drinking back whether my liver liked it or not.
My moment of glory came last month. I was at a friends house in his back yard doing a little pre-bar drinking when someone pulled out the beer bong. Everyone acted like middle schoolers whose buddy pulled out a porn during a slumber party. I'm sure someone popped a chub since most of them hadn't done a beer bong in a few years and they were salivating to see if they still "had it". Me, I waited in the back for that inevitable taunt.
"C'mon Chamley, get the sand out of your vagina and do a bong," One friend said.
"He can't do one. Don't waste the beer," said another.
There was more of the same followed by laughter and looks of pity from the ladies in attendance. I had gotten those looks before from women (usually at the beach) but never on account of my drinking. So, I stepped up.
"Yeah, let me do one."
"What?!?!" was the collective response.
"I want to do a beer bong. If a bunch of douchebags can do one I don't see why I can't"
Looking back that was probably worst thing I could have said at that moment.
So, they loaded in a beer. I crouched down as people were scurrying trying to get the best viewing position. I reached up and grabbed the valve as they slowly poured in a Keystone Light. Everybody was set and I was ready.
"OK, you can do this. Just open your throat. Piece of cake" would have been the ideal thing to tell myself right before opening the valve. Instead I thought:
"Please don't fuck this up. PLEEEEASE!"
The group started counting down.
3
I could feel my heart beating. Nerves were starting to take over, but I had to press on. I had to do this. It was my destiny.
2
Thoughts of doubt start racing though my mind. I've never even shot gunned a beer. How in the hell am I going to pull this off?
1
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
GO!
The bong is raised, I open the valve, and lean back. Now if you've been paying attention you would know that I'm crouched like a catcher instead of the ideal kneeling position. I mean one would think after watching five people do it before I would know how the process works The beer come rushing into my mouth and down my throat knocking me off balance. I try to compensate and promptly fall on my back. The rest of the beer spills out onto my pants and shirt. Things couldn't have possibly gone worse, right?
Wrong.
I already looked like a victim of a Super Soaker drive by and had everyone laughing at my misery. What else could go wrong? Well, while on my back I struggled to get portion of beer that made it into my mouth down. I tried to get upright and just as I got myself to a sitting position I proceeded to vomit the rest of the beer onto the front of my shirt and pants. Ruining them from any future use along with my dignity.
What do you do when you fall short of your dream? When all of your hard work doesn't pay off in the end?
You get wasted and live drunkenly ever after. With a clean pair pants of course.
Until this summer.
You see while a lot you were studying, doing homework, or looking for a job I was trying to improve my chugging skills. I was tired of falling short of that allusive 10 second keg stand. I was tired of losing chugging contest to girls half my size on their first time ever out drinking. Most of all I was tired of getting made fun of for never doing a beer bong When you drink as much as my friends and I do you need the complete alcoholic package. Being able to consistently finish in the top three during the annual case race wasn't enough anymore. This was it, my friends, the year I was finally going to conquer the very thing that has been holding my drinking back whether my liver liked it or not.
My moment of glory came last month. I was at a friends house in his back yard doing a little pre-bar drinking when someone pulled out the beer bong. Everyone acted like middle schoolers whose buddy pulled out a porn during a slumber party. I'm sure someone popped a chub since most of them hadn't done a beer bong in a few years and they were salivating to see if they still "had it". Me, I waited in the back for that inevitable taunt.
"C'mon Chamley, get the sand out of your vagina and do a bong," One friend said.
"He can't do one. Don't waste the beer," said another.
There was more of the same followed by laughter and looks of pity from the ladies in attendance. I had gotten those looks before from women (usually at the beach) but never on account of my drinking. So, I stepped up.
"Yeah, let me do one."
"What?!?!" was the collective response.
"I want to do a beer bong. If a bunch of douchebags can do one I don't see why I can't"
Looking back that was probably worst thing I could have said at that moment.
So, they loaded in a beer. I crouched down as people were scurrying trying to get the best viewing position. I reached up and grabbed the valve as they slowly poured in a Keystone Light. Everybody was set and I was ready.
"OK, you can do this. Just open your throat. Piece of cake" would have been the ideal thing to tell myself right before opening the valve. Instead I thought:
"Please don't fuck this up. PLEEEEASE!"
The group started counting down.
3
I could feel my heart beating. Nerves were starting to take over, but I had to press on. I had to do this. It was my destiny.
2
Thoughts of doubt start racing though my mind. I've never even shot gunned a beer. How in the hell am I going to pull this off?
1
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
GO!
The bong is raised, I open the valve, and lean back. Now if you've been paying attention you would know that I'm crouched like a catcher instead of the ideal kneeling position. I mean one would think after watching five people do it before I would know how the process works The beer come rushing into my mouth and down my throat knocking me off balance. I try to compensate and promptly fall on my back. The rest of the beer spills out onto my pants and shirt. Things couldn't have possibly gone worse, right?
Wrong.
I already looked like a victim of a Super Soaker drive by and had everyone laughing at my misery. What else could go wrong? Well, while on my back I struggled to get portion of beer that made it into my mouth down. I tried to get upright and just as I got myself to a sitting position I proceeded to vomit the rest of the beer onto the front of my shirt and pants. Ruining them from any future use along with my dignity.
What do you do when you fall short of your dream? When all of your hard work doesn't pay off in the end?
You get wasted and live drunkenly ever after. With a clean pair pants of course.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:57 PM
0 comments
Brain Droppings
Random thoughts while getting paid to take a 40 minute shit at work:
*I consider fully stopping at a stopping at a stop sign my good deed of the day. I could totally rollthrough that bitch.
*Two little black kids told me I had a nice car the other day. Its a 1997 Chevy Cavalier, but its still nice to hear. Must be the four hubcaps or tinted windows I have on the damn thing, or maybe they think its a Cadillac.
*No one who wears a diaper should be allowed to drive.
*If you ask me I'll tell you that I'm about as metrosexual as Hulk Hogan wiping his ass with a rake on Mars while eating puppies.
*Its official TiVo has brought me more joy than a clown spraying cookies out of his boner.
*I still want to know who decided to put the work machine and the porn machine in the same box? No wonder we're in a recession.
*If I was going to get a tattoo on my penis, I think it would be of a bigger penis.
*Someone once told me to get in touch with my feminine side and all I could think about was feeling its boobs.
*I now know why I don't eat at Subway anymore. Even though its healthier than a McDonalds, the second I see those piss yellow tables, I'm done. Plus, I always think of Jared and all that loose skin.
*I think a good way to get someone to leave you alone is to tell them you have to fart..... big time. Works especially good on dates.
*How many rappers can rhyme but don't know how to read?
*One thing I probably get too much of a kick out of is telling people their epidermis is showing and the watching the confused look on their face.
*The amount of moaning and groaning that goes on during tennis amazes me. Whether it's the men or women playing, we should put all the moans together and make a tape out of it. Just the moans.
*Amateur porn means there is a very good chance for zits on the ass.
*What if there was an illness or impairment where people walked around humping the air? I bet the mall would be more fun.
*In the name of all that is holy please don't clap at the end of the movie. No one involved in making the movie can hear you and you're only pissing me off.
*Why is the lint always black in our bellybuttons regardless of what color undershirt we're wearing?
*I put IcyHot on my shoulder the other night before going to bed. A few minutes later, in bed, not thinking I scratched my ass through my boxers. The next morning I felt like I was shitting legos.
*Sign #142 that I'm going to hell:
I didn't even make an attempt to make eye contact with the hot busty blind woman that came into work the other day. We talked for about five minutes and all I tried to do was look down her shirt.
*I consider fully stopping at a stopping at a stop sign my good deed of the day. I could totally rollthrough that bitch.
*Two little black kids told me I had a nice car the other day. Its a 1997 Chevy Cavalier, but its still nice to hear. Must be the four hubcaps or tinted windows I have on the damn thing, or maybe they think its a Cadillac.
*No one who wears a diaper should be allowed to drive.
*If you ask me I'll tell you that I'm about as metrosexual as Hulk Hogan wiping his ass with a rake on Mars while eating puppies.
*Its official TiVo has brought me more joy than a clown spraying cookies out of his boner.
*I still want to know who decided to put the work machine and the porn machine in the same box? No wonder we're in a recession.
*If I was going to get a tattoo on my penis, I think it would be of a bigger penis.
*Someone once told me to get in touch with my feminine side and all I could think about was feeling its boobs.
*I now know why I don't eat at Subway anymore. Even though its healthier than a McDonalds, the second I see those piss yellow tables, I'm done. Plus, I always think of Jared and all that loose skin.
*I think a good way to get someone to leave you alone is to tell them you have to fart..... big time. Works especially good on dates.
*How many rappers can rhyme but don't know how to read?
*One thing I probably get too much of a kick out of is telling people their epidermis is showing and the watching the confused look on their face.
*The amount of moaning and groaning that goes on during tennis amazes me. Whether it's the men or women playing, we should put all the moans together and make a tape out of it. Just the moans.
*Amateur porn means there is a very good chance for zits on the ass.
*What if there was an illness or impairment where people walked around humping the air? I bet the mall would be more fun.
*In the name of all that is holy please don't clap at the end of the movie. No one involved in making the movie can hear you and you're only pissing me off.
*Why is the lint always black in our bellybuttons regardless of what color undershirt we're wearing?
*I put IcyHot on my shoulder the other night before going to bed. A few minutes later, in bed, not thinking I scratched my ass through my boxers. The next morning I felt like I was shitting legos.
*Sign #142 that I'm going to hell:
I didn't even make an attempt to make eye contact with the hot busty blind woman that came into work the other day. We talked for about five minutes and all I tried to do was look down her shirt.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:54 PM
0 comments
Drinking Coach For Hire
When you go out drinking to people compliment you on how much fun you are? Do they praise you for how well you handle yourself while you're shitfaced? No? Well, it happens to me all the time. For most of you, when you drink alcohol your judgment becomes impared thus leading to bad decisions. These can hurt your pride, bank account and head. In the most exreme cases, your asshole. Its probably because you have bad driking habits, like taking shots out of an exremely hairy man's belly button or taking part in teqila chugging contests. If you find yourself consistanly regretting the night before then you are in luck. For only a nominal fee or 1 case of beer per week I am willing tto help you out as your personal drinking coach. Here are a services I offer:
Drunk Dialing Etiquitte and Procedures
If you're the person who finds themselves calling their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend at 3am after going through half a bottle of cheap vodka then I'm your man. Not only can I assure you won't call your ex, but when you do inevitably make that drunk phone call it will be one of the best messages you will ever leave. Remember a good drunk dial shouldn't last any less than three minutes. Once on the phone you will engage in a civil conversation with the person as if they were on the phone. I will also teach you how to effectively shout into the phone while excessively slurring. You will become a favorite among your friends and people will in turn buy you beer in hopes of receiving one of your legendary drunk dials.
Alcohol Limit and Frequency Assessment
A very common mistake a lot of drinkers make is not knowing how much they can handle and how fast they should drink. This results in puking at inappropriate times and passing out in unfavorable places such as ass up in a frathouse or in a public toilet while people piss inches away from your head. As your coach I will spend a week getting you wasted to learn how much you can drink so I can accurately assess your tolarence level. Granted their will be vomiting and hangovers, but this is all part of the learning process. Plus you should already be used to those if you're seeking my help. I will also help you learn what the term "pace yourself" means. Granted there will be times where you will need to increase the frequency of your intake. For example, certain drinking games, keg stands, and taking on the fat chick as a wingman.
Drinking Procedure
I can't tell you how many times I've walked through a bar and seen a guy drinking his mixed drink through a straw. C'mon fellas, it looks like you're sucking a clear thin cock. Bend that thing back and drink your booze right from the glass like a man. If you can't do that then I will have to apply my electroshock theropy machine to you testicles because if you insist on drinking like that you don't deserve them.
These are just a few of the services I offer. If you or a friend think you deserve to get more out of your drinking experience then contact me for a free comparative analysis to see if you can in fact be saved. Until then here's to getting drunk the right way.
Drunk Dialing Etiquitte and Procedures
If you're the person who finds themselves calling their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend at 3am after going through half a bottle of cheap vodka then I'm your man. Not only can I assure you won't call your ex, but when you do inevitably make that drunk phone call it will be one of the best messages you will ever leave. Remember a good drunk dial shouldn't last any less than three minutes. Once on the phone you will engage in a civil conversation with the person as if they were on the phone. I will also teach you how to effectively shout into the phone while excessively slurring. You will become a favorite among your friends and people will in turn buy you beer in hopes of receiving one of your legendary drunk dials.
Alcohol Limit and Frequency Assessment
A very common mistake a lot of drinkers make is not knowing how much they can handle and how fast they should drink. This results in puking at inappropriate times and passing out in unfavorable places such as ass up in a frathouse or in a public toilet while people piss inches away from your head. As your coach I will spend a week getting you wasted to learn how much you can drink so I can accurately assess your tolarence level. Granted their will be vomiting and hangovers, but this is all part of the learning process. Plus you should already be used to those if you're seeking my help. I will also help you learn what the term "pace yourself" means. Granted there will be times where you will need to increase the frequency of your intake. For example, certain drinking games, keg stands, and taking on the fat chick as a wingman.
Drinking Procedure
I can't tell you how many times I've walked through a bar and seen a guy drinking his mixed drink through a straw. C'mon fellas, it looks like you're sucking a clear thin cock. Bend that thing back and drink your booze right from the glass like a man. If you can't do that then I will have to apply my electroshock theropy machine to you testicles because if you insist on drinking like that you don't deserve them.
These are just a few of the services I offer. If you or a friend think you deserve to get more out of your drinking experience then contact me for a free comparative analysis to see if you can in fact be saved. Until then here's to getting drunk the right way.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:52 PM
0 comments
The Art of Drunkeness
More times than not you will see someone at a party or bar being just a downright bad drunk. They're causing way too much trouble and/or drama than they need to. I think one of the main reasons for this is that these people don't know how to be drunk. You always see people spilling their drinks everywhere, peeing/puking in the corner, trying to get with fat chicks, or yelling at the coat rack for staring at their boyfriend/girlfriend. This is all stuff that can be avoided if you can learn the art of drunkenness. Its something almost anyone can master, unless you're the kid who is constantly shitting his pants after a night of tequila shooters (you know who you are). Here are a few easy steps to help you on your way to mastering the art of drunkenness.
Know Your Limits
Its amazing how many people have no idea how much they can hold in a given night, then you realize that the majority are freshman. There are few reasons why you should be able to drink yourself into a blackout. Thursdays aren't one of them. You can still have just as much fun when you're slightly buzzed as you do when you're seeing 3 of everything and you sound like you learned to speak on the short bus. There's a reason you never see the guy who is drooling with urine soaked pants leaving with the hot girl or any girl for that matter. Then again you're getting this advice from a guy who would have trouble picking up a girl at a nymphomaniac convention.
Stay consistent
The most common thing I notice when people lose the ability to be a good drunk is when they starting drinking things they haven't drank before. If you're a beer drinker and you start downing rum & cokes you're just asking for trouble. I know it can be enticing to try new things, especially when you're friends are buying. It just isn't worth it when you have to take a two hour shower trying to scrub off all the sharpie penises from your body...that is if you notice them in the first place.
Know Your Surroundings
Not everyone finds the bottle breaking over one's head charming, which is why you have to know your surroundings. If you understand the people you're around the easier it will be for you determine how much you can drink and not get punched, slapped or raped. You also need to know so you don't knock yourself out on a tree branch when running from the cops or wake up under a park bench because you didn't know how to get home. Being a good drunk is easy when you know exactly how much you can get away with.
Now that you're heading in the right direction to master the art of drunkenness go out there and practice. Even if it takes seven nights a week. The last thing we want is bunch of people out there who throw up their weight in vomit each month because they didn't follow these steps. There will be no more waking up wondering who or what the horrendous blob next to you is. You will not have to worry about passing out at a frat house and getting teabagged anymore. The days of unresponsible drunkenness can be a thing of the past. Remember, just because you're now a responsible drunk doesn't mean you have to drink responsibly.
Cheers.
Know Your Limits
Its amazing how many people have no idea how much they can hold in a given night, then you realize that the majority are freshman. There are few reasons why you should be able to drink yourself into a blackout. Thursdays aren't one of them. You can still have just as much fun when you're slightly buzzed as you do when you're seeing 3 of everything and you sound like you learned to speak on the short bus. There's a reason you never see the guy who is drooling with urine soaked pants leaving with the hot girl or any girl for that matter. Then again you're getting this advice from a guy who would have trouble picking up a girl at a nymphomaniac convention.
Stay consistent
The most common thing I notice when people lose the ability to be a good drunk is when they starting drinking things they haven't drank before. If you're a beer drinker and you start downing rum & cokes you're just asking for trouble. I know it can be enticing to try new things, especially when you're friends are buying. It just isn't worth it when you have to take a two hour shower trying to scrub off all the sharpie penises from your body...that is if you notice them in the first place.
Know Your Surroundings
Not everyone finds the bottle breaking over one's head charming, which is why you have to know your surroundings. If you understand the people you're around the easier it will be for you determine how much you can drink and not get punched, slapped or raped. You also need to know so you don't knock yourself out on a tree branch when running from the cops or wake up under a park bench because you didn't know how to get home. Being a good drunk is easy when you know exactly how much you can get away with.
Now that you're heading in the right direction to master the art of drunkenness go out there and practice. Even if it takes seven nights a week. The last thing we want is bunch of people out there who throw up their weight in vomit each month because they didn't follow these steps. There will be no more waking up wondering who or what the horrendous blob next to you is. You will not have to worry about passing out at a frat house and getting teabagged anymore. The days of unresponsible drunkenness can be a thing of the past. Remember, just because you're now a responsible drunk doesn't mean you have to drink responsibly.
Cheers.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:52 PM
0 comments
I Love The 90's
Is anyone else tired of those "I love the 90's" shows on VH1. Especially since they don't talk about anything that made the 90's so great for our generation. I don't care that Russia opened a McDonald's. They can rot in Hell for all I care. I'm also pretty sure that half of the people they have "commenting" on the show are people they pick off the street. There are a few people who are just known as writers. What do they write??? I'm somewhat of a writer why can't I be on any of the shows? How the hell does Joel Stein manage to get onto everyone of these types of shows? Does he do anything else? Why do I care so much? Anyway, here is what I would talk about if I were on the show as a "writer".
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Trilogy
I loved the Ninja Turtle cartoon. Even went as Raphael for Halloween once. I owned every Turtle toy imaginable, even the pizza shooting vehicle. None of this prepared me for what was the greatest event of 1990, The release of the first Ninja Turtle movie. After watching this movie and being 7 years old I thought I could take on the world with my new found ninja skills. So I practiced on my brother (who was smaller than me at the time). I made knumchucks out of paper towel rolls and yarn. Then "The Secret of the Ooze" came out two years later and blew my mind. I still get excited whenever I get a chance to watch that. Which, I know is sad, but I don't care....TURTLE POWER!
Zubaz Pants
Who didn't have a pair of these at one point in their lives or at least in 1991 when they were the coolest things ever? I lived in them, and they somehow held on much longer than they should have and I wore mine about a year longer than anyone else I knew. Only because I converted some into shorts. I'm sure you'd be able to see these today somewhere around your local trailer park. I can't wait till these make a comeback. In fact, if you're reading this I urge you to start wearing Zubaz again.
Red Shoe Diaries
This is when I discovered the wonderful world of porn. I didn't care that it was poorly written softcore porn at the time. In the mid 90's IT WAS PORN!! My friend had all of the premium channels and we were flipping through them one night and unknowingly stumbled across a show that changed our lives forever. We didn't know stuff like this existed on TV. I'm kind of ashamed to admit this, but I still remember that particular episode starred Joan Severance. Lets just say that 'self exploration' soon followed.
Middle School Dances
These were hilarious. When I was growing up this was the only time you did anything with your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", and god forbid that you kiss eachother. I remember watching people dance and they looked as comfortable as a blind man playing dodgeball. I don't remember, was it required that you have at least six inches between you and your dance partner? I wouldn't know I never danced at these things. I was always wondering around or working as a horrible DJ playing 'Achey Breaky Heart' anytime I had the chance. Which might be why they never let me DJ again or got asked to any dances.
Super Nintendo/Nintendo 64/Sega Genesis
They talked about Playstation on the VH1 show, but Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, or Sega Genesis was where it was at. I didn't care that I could go blind or have an epileptic seizure at anytime. I was gonna beat any game I played and sit as close to the TV as possible. One of the most popular games was GoldenEye. I sucked at GoldenEye, but that didn't stop from spending at least two hours a day getting my ass kicked by my friends. Which was fine with me because I couldn't be beaten at NBA Jam. I wouldn't be surprised if every guy from our generation has carpal tunnel by age 35 from all the video game playing we did. Other things could contribute to that as well I guess.
The Wonders of Beer
I had my first unsupervised can of beer during the summer of '99 and by unsupervised I mean that my uncles used to think it was funny to get me drunk at family gatherings. Anyway, I was too young to realize that I was drinking High Life and that stuff can make you puke and make phone calls that you wish you wouldn't. It may also have marked the one and only time that I got drunk off of 3 beers. I didn't know at the time but I had stumbled on to something great. A cold beer on a hot day on the lake. Beer and I have become great friends since.
The 1991 Minnesota Twins
I remember exactly where I was for Mr. Buck's famous "we'll see you tomorrow night" call. I was in my basement watching the game, where were you? Anyway, being the nerd that I am I probably spent at least an hour each day the next summer pretending I was Kirby Puckett by tossing up rocks and hitting them into a field then run the imaginary bases. I still have conversations about Jack Morris' game with people to this day and still defend Kent Hrbek to the point to were I think I'm going to get hit about the "leg lift".
Starter Jackets
Another 90's fashion that was way too popular. I owned a Michigan Wolverines one and wore it every chance I had. Even fat balding adults were wearing these things whenever they had a chance. You couldn't go to an outdoor college football game without seeing at least 50 of these jackets. Now if you see someone wearing one you have to automatically assume they're from a shelter. That is the only excusable explanation for being seen in one. That and being from Wisconsin
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Trilogy
I loved the Ninja Turtle cartoon. Even went as Raphael for Halloween once. I owned every Turtle toy imaginable, even the pizza shooting vehicle. None of this prepared me for what was the greatest event of 1990, The release of the first Ninja Turtle movie. After watching this movie and being 7 years old I thought I could take on the world with my new found ninja skills. So I practiced on my brother (who was smaller than me at the time). I made knumchucks out of paper towel rolls and yarn. Then "The Secret of the Ooze" came out two years later and blew my mind. I still get excited whenever I get a chance to watch that. Which, I know is sad, but I don't care....TURTLE POWER!
Zubaz Pants
Who didn't have a pair of these at one point in their lives or at least in 1991 when they were the coolest things ever? I lived in them, and they somehow held on much longer than they should have and I wore mine about a year longer than anyone else I knew. Only because I converted some into shorts. I'm sure you'd be able to see these today somewhere around your local trailer park. I can't wait till these make a comeback. In fact, if you're reading this I urge you to start wearing Zubaz again.
Red Shoe Diaries
This is when I discovered the wonderful world of porn. I didn't care that it was poorly written softcore porn at the time. In the mid 90's IT WAS PORN!! My friend had all of the premium channels and we were flipping through them one night and unknowingly stumbled across a show that changed our lives forever. We didn't know stuff like this existed on TV. I'm kind of ashamed to admit this, but I still remember that particular episode starred Joan Severance. Lets just say that 'self exploration' soon followed.
Middle School Dances
These were hilarious. When I was growing up this was the only time you did anything with your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", and god forbid that you kiss eachother. I remember watching people dance and they looked as comfortable as a blind man playing dodgeball. I don't remember, was it required that you have at least six inches between you and your dance partner? I wouldn't know I never danced at these things. I was always wondering around or working as a horrible DJ playing 'Achey Breaky Heart' anytime I had the chance. Which might be why they never let me DJ again or got asked to any dances.
Super Nintendo/Nintendo 64/Sega Genesis
They talked about Playstation on the VH1 show, but Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, or Sega Genesis was where it was at. I didn't care that I could go blind or have an epileptic seizure at anytime. I was gonna beat any game I played and sit as close to the TV as possible. One of the most popular games was GoldenEye. I sucked at GoldenEye, but that didn't stop from spending at least two hours a day getting my ass kicked by my friends. Which was fine with me because I couldn't be beaten at NBA Jam. I wouldn't be surprised if every guy from our generation has carpal tunnel by age 35 from all the video game playing we did. Other things could contribute to that as well I guess.
The Wonders of Beer
I had my first unsupervised can of beer during the summer of '99 and by unsupervised I mean that my uncles used to think it was funny to get me drunk at family gatherings. Anyway, I was too young to realize that I was drinking High Life and that stuff can make you puke and make phone calls that you wish you wouldn't. It may also have marked the one and only time that I got drunk off of 3 beers. I didn't know at the time but I had stumbled on to something great. A cold beer on a hot day on the lake. Beer and I have become great friends since.
The 1991 Minnesota Twins
I remember exactly where I was for Mr. Buck's famous "we'll see you tomorrow night" call. I was in my basement watching the game, where were you? Anyway, being the nerd that I am I probably spent at least an hour each day the next summer pretending I was Kirby Puckett by tossing up rocks and hitting them into a field then run the imaginary bases. I still have conversations about Jack Morris' game with people to this day and still defend Kent Hrbek to the point to were I think I'm going to get hit about the "leg lift".
Starter Jackets
Another 90's fashion that was way too popular. I owned a Michigan Wolverines one and wore it every chance I had. Even fat balding adults were wearing these things whenever they had a chance. You couldn't go to an outdoor college football game without seeing at least 50 of these jackets. Now if you see someone wearing one you have to automatically assume they're from a shelter. That is the only excusable explanation for being seen in one. That and being from Wisconsin
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:49 PM
0 comments
10 Greatest TV Mullets
Mullets. Business in the front, party in the back. We see them at the super market or trailer park and quietly laugh at their sense of fashion. However, that hasn't kept mullets off of our television screens. These actors proudly wore their mullets and probably got laid more than you and me combined despite donning a neck warmer. So, here are the best TV characters who sported a Tennessee Top Hat.
10. Christine Sullivan (Markie Post, Night Court)
Proudly wore femulllet for most of the show. On Night Court, Sullivan (see how I did that) was the public defender who despite wearing a mullet still managed to maintain a polished demeanor.
9. Michael Knight (David Hasselhoff, Knight Rider)
Mr. Baywatch himself once wore a curly, afro like mullet for the first couple of seasons of this show. Yet he still melted the hearts of white trash girls everywhere. Although it could have been the sweet car.
8. Barry Melrose (ESPN Hockey analyst)
Barry is probably the only one on this list who is still proudly wearing the mullet. He tries to class it up by slicking it back, but he isn't fooling anyone. We still know he just a Canadian hockey hooligan greasy hair or not.
7. Brad Taylor (Zachery Ty Bryan, Home Improvement)
Young brad sported a blonde mullet for the first few seasons of Home Improvement. What always gets me was there were parents behind the scene that encouraged him to wear his hair like that. Maybe it was intentional since Tim Allen kind of had one too. Who knows.
6. Cowboy Curtis (Lawrence Fishburne, Pee Wee's Play House)
That's right kids, Morpheus once sported a mullet. This could have been a wig, but I like to believe that one of the most brilliant mullets in human history
5. A.C. Slater (Mario Lopez, Saved By The Bell)
Alfred Clifford, muscles and all, donned a mini mullet complete with curls and it Jessie Spano, as well as teen girls everywhere, moist. It almost made his career. Look at his career since he chopped his mullet off. That male version of the view, that animal trick show on Animal Planet, a divorce from a hottie. I think I speak for everyone, Mario, when I say, "please bring back the mullet".
4. Hulk Hogan (Terry "Hulk" Hogan, WWF, Hogan Knows Best)
You could put almost any professional wrestler from the late 80's and early 90's here. However, there mullets just couldn't come close to the skirted egg shell look that Hogan has sported for almost 20 years. You can't hate a guy who refuses to give up his coveted mullet while rapidly going bald. You keep on keepin' it real, Hulkster. Keep it real.
3. Angus MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson, MacGyver)
What would a hockey loving, resourceful, special agent be without a mullet? Definitely not a ladies man I can tell you that. If you can make a bomb out of some tin foil, iodine, a paperclip, and a tampon and look sexy doing it then you, my friend, are rocking a pretty sweet mullet.
2. Uncle Jesse Katsopolis (John Stamos, Full House)
Not only did Uncle Jesse sport a Camero Crash Helmet, but he would brag about what great hair he had....and he was right. It was a pretty sad day when I tuned into TGIF and saw that Jesse's mullet had almost disappeared. Tears were shed by millions I'm sure.
1. Captain Planet (Captain Planet and the Planeteers)
Hands down the best green mullet in the history of the universe. You have to feel pretty safe when the protector of the planet is wearing a mullet. Not only that but if I recall correctly Wheeler (the fire guy) also had a mullet. The villains didn't stand a chance.
10. Christine Sullivan (Markie Post, Night Court)
Proudly wore femulllet for most of the show. On Night Court, Sullivan (see how I did that) was the public defender who despite wearing a mullet still managed to maintain a polished demeanor.
9. Michael Knight (David Hasselhoff, Knight Rider)
Mr. Baywatch himself once wore a curly, afro like mullet for the first couple of seasons of this show. Yet he still melted the hearts of white trash girls everywhere. Although it could have been the sweet car.
8. Barry Melrose (ESPN Hockey analyst)
Barry is probably the only one on this list who is still proudly wearing the mullet. He tries to class it up by slicking it back, but he isn't fooling anyone. We still know he just a Canadian hockey hooligan greasy hair or not.
7. Brad Taylor (Zachery Ty Bryan, Home Improvement)
Young brad sported a blonde mullet for the first few seasons of Home Improvement. What always gets me was there were parents behind the scene that encouraged him to wear his hair like that. Maybe it was intentional since Tim Allen kind of had one too. Who knows.
6. Cowboy Curtis (Lawrence Fishburne, Pee Wee's Play House)
That's right kids, Morpheus once sported a mullet. This could have been a wig, but I like to believe that one of the most brilliant mullets in human history
5. A.C. Slater (Mario Lopez, Saved By The Bell)
Alfred Clifford, muscles and all, donned a mini mullet complete with curls and it Jessie Spano, as well as teen girls everywhere, moist. It almost made his career. Look at his career since he chopped his mullet off. That male version of the view, that animal trick show on Animal Planet, a divorce from a hottie. I think I speak for everyone, Mario, when I say, "please bring back the mullet".
4. Hulk Hogan (Terry "Hulk" Hogan, WWF, Hogan Knows Best)
You could put almost any professional wrestler from the late 80's and early 90's here. However, there mullets just couldn't come close to the skirted egg shell look that Hogan has sported for almost 20 years. You can't hate a guy who refuses to give up his coveted mullet while rapidly going bald. You keep on keepin' it real, Hulkster. Keep it real.
3. Angus MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson, MacGyver)
What would a hockey loving, resourceful, special agent be without a mullet? Definitely not a ladies man I can tell you that. If you can make a bomb out of some tin foil, iodine, a paperclip, and a tampon and look sexy doing it then you, my friend, are rocking a pretty sweet mullet.
2. Uncle Jesse Katsopolis (John Stamos, Full House)
Not only did Uncle Jesse sport a Camero Crash Helmet, but he would brag about what great hair he had....and he was right. It was a pretty sad day when I tuned into TGIF and saw that Jesse's mullet had almost disappeared. Tears were shed by millions I'm sure.
1. Captain Planet (Captain Planet and the Planeteers)
Hands down the best green mullet in the history of the universe. You have to feel pretty safe when the protector of the planet is wearing a mullet. Not only that but if I recall correctly Wheeler (the fire guy) also had a mullet. The villains didn't stand a chance.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:46 PM
0 comments
American Gladiators: Revisited
I have no idea what made me think of this, but this afternoon at work, I thought about the "American Gladiators." The first quasi-reality show. Actually, it was part game show and part reality show. It was much better than what we have to endure now. Shows like Fear Factor and that ridiculous Inferno show on Satan's own MTV. Now back in 2005, these pseudo-celebrities were appearing on brand new shows on different networks. My wrath is reserved today for Kill Reality on E! and Battle of the Network Reality Stars on Bravo. The fact that I have been virtually forced to know some of these people is bad enough, but now they’re trying to repackage this shitfest of wanna-be actors as an exciting brand new series. In fact, Kill Reality has the “stars” basically admitting that they desperately want to be a Hollywood actor. Meanwhile, Battle of the Network Reality Stars just reminds me of a watered-down version of American Gladiators with worse acting. Yeah, I said it, worse acting then American Gladiators.
Does everyone remember that show? Sure, the Gladiators had ridiculous names like Zap, Ice and Nitro to name a few, and yes, the women were disgustingly muscle-bound and probably shaved their face regularly at some point in their lives, but I still enjoyed the show. I’m not quite sure why, but by the time the Eliminator arrived, I was cheering enthusiastically for one of the contestants. Secretly hoping one of them would end up with a life threatening injury. This is the kind of reality show we need again.
You can have your carefully planned and professionally supervised stunts. I want to see steroid infested thugs beating the hell out much smaller people trying to throw a ball in a garbage can. I want to see human beings running around in giant hamster balls. Nothing would make me happier than seeing someone running around trying to dodge tennis balls being fired out of a cannon at them only to take one to face. Most of all I miss that weird feeling I got when the female gladiators were dry humping the female competitors to get them to fall off the rings.
There is a online to bring the show back and I couldn't agree more. Bring back Larry Czonka and his mustache, the red, white and blue spandex, and the Eliminator. You could entire seasons be like 32 person brackets and give the winner a huge payout. This way the dork at your office set up a pool and have you fill out a bracket with a $5 buy in (in my office that would be me). Vegas could set spreads and the network can have a celebrity match. Can you imagine watching Carrot Top getting nailed in the face during the joust or viciously tackled by a guy twice his size? I can and it's glorious.
Does everyone remember that show? Sure, the Gladiators had ridiculous names like Zap, Ice and Nitro to name a few, and yes, the women were disgustingly muscle-bound and probably shaved their face regularly at some point in their lives, but I still enjoyed the show. I’m not quite sure why, but by the time the Eliminator arrived, I was cheering enthusiastically for one of the contestants. Secretly hoping one of them would end up with a life threatening injury. This is the kind of reality show we need again.
You can have your carefully planned and professionally supervised stunts. I want to see steroid infested thugs beating the hell out much smaller people trying to throw a ball in a garbage can. I want to see human beings running around in giant hamster balls. Nothing would make me happier than seeing someone running around trying to dodge tennis balls being fired out of a cannon at them only to take one to face. Most of all I miss that weird feeling I got when the female gladiators were dry humping the female competitors to get them to fall off the rings.
There is a online to bring the show back and I couldn't agree more. Bring back Larry Czonka and his mustache, the red, white and blue spandex, and the Eliminator. You could entire seasons be like 32 person brackets and give the winner a huge payout. This way the dork at your office set up a pool and have you fill out a bracket with a $5 buy in (in my office that would be me). Vegas could set spreads and the network can have a celebrity match. Can you imagine watching Carrot Top getting nailed in the face during the joust or viciously tackled by a guy twice his size? I can and it's glorious.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:42 PM
0 comments
Sesame Street: The Hidden Lessons
I'm sure all of us grew up watching Sesame Street. Our parents would throw us in front of the TV to get us out of their hair for a half hour every morning. We would sit there and learn the alphabet and how to count. We learned how to cross the street and the difference between near and far. That was all stuff that we needed to know at the time. What we didn't know was the information the show was corrupting us with. We had no idea of the hidden agenda the show had....until now.
Homosexuality
Bert and Ernie. These two beloved American figures thought they were minding their own business, taking baths together, singing silly songs together (probably Broadway tunes), sleeping in the same twin beds a with a picture of them both together over the headboard. Best buds they were! Are two grown men sharing a house and a bedroom, clothes, eat and cook together and have blatantly effeminate characteristics not gay? In one show Bert teaches Ernie how to sew. In another, they tend plants together. If this isn't meant to represent a homosexual union, I can't imagine what it's supposed to represent.
Racism
Remember that song "one of these things"? Telling you the thing that is different doesn't belong. So you should do away with it. Do you realize they don't even do the Spanish bits on the show anymore?! Those are all gone now. Everything has changed, and this brings me to the only conclusion one could possibly have: Sesame Street = Racist. I think this picture should prove my point.
Obesity
They have faced arguments that 'cookie monster,' a sesame street character who loves (or loved, until the producers snatched them away and replaced them with fresh greens,) cookies, was promoting childhood obesity. These arguments, no doubt, came from the same parents who gained 250 pounds on Mcdonalds food, sued it for making them fat, and failed, much to the pleasure of the rest of us. The world isn't perfect, people. We're fat. But changing words, or adding people in wheelchairs to kid's cartoons isn't going to solve anything. No, it's just going to make my life, and the life of others worse. Now, I would never discriminate against anyone, or laugh at a kid without legs in a wheelchair (or would I) . But they have turned the cookie monster into 'veggie monster?' The damn monster has been eating cookies for 35 years and kids are just now getting fat? This is one step too far.
Poverty
Here's an example from one episode: "Cookie-Hood" announced, is to take the surplus cookies away from the wealthy few and give them away to the poor, cookie-less many. Imagine! "Hooray!" the other puppet animals shouted. The two adults were not pleased. "That," the father figure sternly intoned, "is stealing." And "stealing is wrong," he elaborated, "because it means taking something that doesn't belong to you." No room, of course, in the script for why the cookie-less exist in the first place. No sense of justice in the demand of equal cookies for all. "Cookie-Hood" felt sad and ashamed. He thought he'd been doing something good and just, but really he'd been doing something wrong. He'd been stealing cookies that didn't belong to him! The other puppet animals were confused. What to do now? And what about the cookie-less? Not to worry! Sesame Street's wise and benevolent adults had a solution. The solution is...Currency. Puppets and people don't have to steal cookies from the rich because, the father figure explained, "we can all go to the store and buy cookies."
Because everybody's got money, right?
Homosexuality
Bert and Ernie. These two beloved American figures thought they were minding their own business, taking baths together, singing silly songs together (probably Broadway tunes), sleeping in the same twin beds a with a picture of them both together over the headboard. Best buds they were! Are two grown men sharing a house and a bedroom, clothes, eat and cook together and have blatantly effeminate characteristics not gay? In one show Bert teaches Ernie how to sew. In another, they tend plants together. If this isn't meant to represent a homosexual union, I can't imagine what it's supposed to represent.
Racism
Remember that song "one of these things"? Telling you the thing that is different doesn't belong. So you should do away with it. Do you realize they don't even do the Spanish bits on the show anymore?! Those are all gone now. Everything has changed, and this brings me to the only conclusion one could possibly have: Sesame Street = Racist. I think this picture should prove my point.
Obesity
They have faced arguments that 'cookie monster,' a sesame street character who loves (or loved, until the producers snatched them away and replaced them with fresh greens,) cookies, was promoting childhood obesity. These arguments, no doubt, came from the same parents who gained 250 pounds on Mcdonalds food, sued it for making them fat, and failed, much to the pleasure of the rest of us. The world isn't perfect, people. We're fat. But changing words, or adding people in wheelchairs to kid's cartoons isn't going to solve anything. No, it's just going to make my life, and the life of others worse. Now, I would never discriminate against anyone, or laugh at a kid without legs in a wheelchair (or would I) . But they have turned the cookie monster into 'veggie monster?' The damn monster has been eating cookies for 35 years and kids are just now getting fat? This is one step too far.
Poverty
Here's an example from one episode: "Cookie-Hood" announced, is to take the surplus cookies away from the wealthy few and give them away to the poor, cookie-less many. Imagine! "Hooray!" the other puppet animals shouted. The two adults were not pleased. "That," the father figure sternly intoned, "is stealing." And "stealing is wrong," he elaborated, "because it means taking something that doesn't belong to you." No room, of course, in the script for why the cookie-less exist in the first place. No sense of justice in the demand of equal cookies for all. "Cookie-Hood" felt sad and ashamed. He thought he'd been doing something good and just, but really he'd been doing something wrong. He'd been stealing cookies that didn't belong to him! The other puppet animals were confused. What to do now? And what about the cookie-less? Not to worry! Sesame Street's wise and benevolent adults had a solution. The solution is...Currency. Puppets and people don't have to steal cookies from the rich because, the father figure explained, "we can all go to the store and buy cookies."
Because everybody's got money, right?
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:41 PM
0 comments
Free Beer Friday Is Ruining My Life
Dear Chad,
We've known eachother for what is it now, 23 years. Its been a pretty good relationship. We've had our good time and we've hit some rough spots, but all in all I'd say we've managed to co-exist pretty successfully up to this point. I've tried to just keep quiet and do my job, but that's getting harder and harder with each passing weekend. Look I didn't complain about 1.50 pitcher night, but I have to tell you. Chad, Free Beer Fridays is ruining my life.
Let me take you through what a Friday night is like for me. First, we go to this bar where I can hear pianos playing and you singing like an asshole. When out of no where you slam two pints and my night of hell starts....At 6pm. This trend continues for about three hours, and while I work my ass off to ensure you stay alive, you continue shout what I'm sure you consider to be singing, its not, you suck, so do everyone a favor and SHUT THE HELL UP!
Just when I get into my groove you start pounding beers at the free beer special. Now I don't know if your in some sort of race but you start sending beer my way at an alarming rate. I'm not Superman you douchebag, slow the fuck down! And why are you drinking Blue Moon? Do you hate me that much? You drink cheap light beer every other time then you throw this shit my way? Well, Fuck you too, cocksucker. Where in the hell did you go this weekend after the bars? All I remember is getting a 20 minute break then getting bombarded by Miller Light. Don't tell your loser ass is still going to house parties. You're pathetic.
Look, since that lazy bastard stomach won't send some of it back where it came I have to do all the work. All I'm asking is for you to try pacing yourself. Which is exactly the opposite of what you did this weekend. You, like the asshole you are, get up at 11am on Saturday to start drinking again. EVERY WEEKEND! God, you piss me off sometimes.
I just wanted to let you know that if you keep this up I will make your life painful. Just slow it down a little bit that's all. We're not 18 anymore. We can't be pulling this shit every weekend otherwise one of us is going to die. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that that person is you.
Sincerely,
Your Liver
P.S. If you don't start pulling some tail soon penis will go on strike. Just FYI.
We've known eachother for what is it now, 23 years. Its been a pretty good relationship. We've had our good time and we've hit some rough spots, but all in all I'd say we've managed to co-exist pretty successfully up to this point. I've tried to just keep quiet and do my job, but that's getting harder and harder with each passing weekend. Look I didn't complain about 1.50 pitcher night, but I have to tell you. Chad, Free Beer Fridays is ruining my life.
Let me take you through what a Friday night is like for me. First, we go to this bar where I can hear pianos playing and you singing like an asshole. When out of no where you slam two pints and my night of hell starts....At 6pm. This trend continues for about three hours, and while I work my ass off to ensure you stay alive, you continue shout what I'm sure you consider to be singing, its not, you suck, so do everyone a favor and SHUT THE HELL UP!
Just when I get into my groove you start pounding beers at the free beer special. Now I don't know if your in some sort of race but you start sending beer my way at an alarming rate. I'm not Superman you douchebag, slow the fuck down! And why are you drinking Blue Moon? Do you hate me that much? You drink cheap light beer every other time then you throw this shit my way? Well, Fuck you too, cocksucker. Where in the hell did you go this weekend after the bars? All I remember is getting a 20 minute break then getting bombarded by Miller Light. Don't tell your loser ass is still going to house parties. You're pathetic.
Look, since that lazy bastard stomach won't send some of it back where it came I have to do all the work. All I'm asking is for you to try pacing yourself. Which is exactly the opposite of what you did this weekend. You, like the asshole you are, get up at 11am on Saturday to start drinking again. EVERY WEEKEND! God, you piss me off sometimes.
I just wanted to let you know that if you keep this up I will make your life painful. Just slow it down a little bit that's all. We're not 18 anymore. We can't be pulling this shit every weekend otherwise one of us is going to die. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that that person is you.
Sincerely,
Your Liver
P.S. If you don't start pulling some tail soon penis will go on strike. Just FYI.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:40 PM
0 comments
Sunday, September 11, 2005
University of Minnesota Douchebag Population on the Rise
By Chad Chamley
Minneapolis,MN--The University of Minnesota started a new semester this month and all seemed to be going well. That is until university officials released a report stating that the University's douchebag population is at an all time high. A trend that they hoped they could have avoided. Students and university officials are all well aware of the situation
"We saw this coming and couldn't do anything about it" said University Relations Vice President Linda Thrane, "we've been receiving less interest from non douchebags resulting in us having to admit more and more douchebags." Thrane also believes that the increase may be due to the fact that high schools are putting out douchebags and a record rate. "Today's (high) schools seemed to be full of them (douchebags) making it a problem for schools everywhere"
Douchebags are especially hard to deal with because they don't actually know that they are, in fact, douchebags. "Douchebags are a unique group of people. They can interact with eachother with an almost caveman like level of intelligence," Psychology Professor Dr. Joyce Bono said, " and when you call them douchebags they become insulted and resort to primitive threats like yelling and pushing"
The group that is probably having the hardest time adapting to the increase is the non douchebag students. Some of which have gone as far as cutting all communication with douchebags. "When I was a freshman there was one douchebag for every 25 students and now its more like one for every seven or eight," said Senior Brad Andersen, " A group of them came to a party I was at already drunk and started hitting on all the girls there. They've even taken over a few bars on campus. I hate them."
One of the bars that they seemed to have taken over is Blarney Pub & Grill in Dinkytown. Douchebags will flock to this bar in record numbers every Thursday night. "They're called douchebags for a reason," said one employee who wished to remain anonymous, "they don't care that we overprice everything or make their drinks weak so they keep buying more. They're just content on getting ridiculously drunk and wondering around aimlessly annoying every non douchebag they can."
Douchebags are easy to identify because of their arrogance, over use of body spray or cheap cologne, and excessive hair product use. University officials are urging students to just try and ignore douchebags for the time being while they try to figure out a way to rid the campus of them.
Link of the Week
Hello my future girlfriend (Sound Helps)
Minneapolis,MN--The University of Minnesota started a new semester this month and all seemed to be going well. That is until university officials released a report stating that the University's douchebag population is at an all time high. A trend that they hoped they could have avoided. Students and university officials are all well aware of the situation
"We saw this coming and couldn't do anything about it" said University Relations Vice President Linda Thrane, "we've been receiving less interest from non douchebags resulting in us having to admit more and more douchebags." Thrane also believes that the increase may be due to the fact that high schools are putting out douchebags and a record rate. "Today's (high) schools seemed to be full of them (douchebags) making it a problem for schools everywhere"
Douchebags are especially hard to deal with because they don't actually know that they are, in fact, douchebags. "Douchebags are a unique group of people. They can interact with eachother with an almost caveman like level of intelligence," Psychology Professor Dr. Joyce Bono said, " and when you call them douchebags they become insulted and resort to primitive threats like yelling and pushing"
The group that is probably having the hardest time adapting to the increase is the non douchebag students. Some of which have gone as far as cutting all communication with douchebags. "When I was a freshman there was one douchebag for every 25 students and now its more like one for every seven or eight," said Senior Brad Andersen, " A group of them came to a party I was at already drunk and started hitting on all the girls there. They've even taken over a few bars on campus. I hate them."
One of the bars that they seemed to have taken over is Blarney Pub & Grill in Dinkytown. Douchebags will flock to this bar in record numbers every Thursday night. "They're called douchebags for a reason," said one employee who wished to remain anonymous, "they don't care that we overprice everything or make their drinks weak so they keep buying more. They're just content on getting ridiculously drunk and wondering around aimlessly annoying every non douchebag they can."
Douchebags are easy to identify because of their arrogance, over use of body spray or cheap cologne, and excessive hair product use. University officials are urging students to just try and ignore douchebags for the time being while they try to figure out a way to rid the campus of them.
Link of the Week
Hello my future girlfriend (Sound Helps)
posted by Chad Chamley at 5:36 PM
0 comments
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Making A Good First Impression
Campus Magazine asked me to write an article for their back to school issue. They told me that the submission had to be appropriate and tasteful. When you look at my previous posts appropriate and taseful just don't come to mind. Anyway, here was my attempt:
The first day of classes is a very important event in every college student's life. A lot won't admit it but there is a certain level of excitement that builds up in all of us. We enter the semester with more ambition then ever, promising ourselves that we will try harder this semester, ultimately breaking that promise (sometimes within the week). Nervous freshman will get their first taste of college. It doesn't matter what year you'll be entering making a good first impression is the key to starting off your semester right. So I've come up with a few key points to ensure a successful first impression.
Shower
This isn't as obvious as it sounds. There are always a few people in every class that seem like they've delcared war on personal hygene and you avoid them from then on out without giving them a second chance. It can ruin your semester and your nasal cavity if you have to partner with them on a project. To ensure that you're not mistaken for the sasquatch give yourself enough time in the morning to shower. An extra half hour should give you enough time to lather, rinse, and repeat enough time to get the stale beer smell off you. You should also have enough time to brush and floss your teeth well enough that you don't knock out the kid next to you when you introduce yourself. Also, remember to go easy on the colonge/perfume. People will assume you're trying hide some horrific odor.
Know Where You're Going
Nothing made me feel worse as a man than the time I had to stop and ask for directions to my classroom building. Especially since my response to, " You must be a freshman, huh?" was "no, sophomore". I learned that day that people don't think less of you when you know where you're going, or at least look like you do. Print out a map of your campus the night before and circle your classroom buildings helps. If you're lost pull it out in a discrete area and point yourself in the right direction. It is also helpful to know which room number your class is in. There's always one or two idiots who walk in unpack their stuff, look at the chalk board, and realize they're in the wrong room. These people quickly turn into ninjas and attempt a stealthy escape leaving as few witnesses possible.
Get Some Sleep
As much fun as sleeping in class is, its not somthing you want to do on the first day of class. Professors see this as a sign of disrespect to them and the field they spent 8 years studying and will make your semester with them hell by picking on you as often as they can. Leading everyone to believe that you are the lazy idiot that you didn't want them to find out about. This could ruin any chance you had with the cute boy/girl in the class, and you'll have rely on drunken encounters with people way below your standards to get your kicks. Another reason to stay awake the first day is the important information you're getting. I'm serious. Take the time to look through the syllabus to find which days you can afford to miss, if/when the group project is due so you can avoid the afformentioned smelly kid and go after the overacheivers as potential partners, and everyone will most likely introduce themselves which will save you from the inevitable awkwardness that would take place if you were to meet them at a party or in the dorms.
Don't Arrive Too Early
For some reason college students like to sit in the same area of the classroom, so you'll want to give as many of your classmates a chance to find a seat before you so you can scope out the attractive members of the opposite sex and the smart kids and you can seat yourself near one of these groups depending on your intentions. Delaying your arrival will also help to ensure that you don't sit next to sketchy looking kids or the 52 year old freshman who is just waiting to show someone pictures of their new grandchild who kind of looks like the antichrist, but thats a whole other topic. Another reason not to arrive to early is because people notice people who walk through that door. By delaying your arrival all eyes will be on you for a few short moments. Just enough time to show off your new fall wardrobe that you and mom picked especially for this day. You almost feel like a fashion model in your department store clothes and two dollar flip-flops.
No matter who you are or where you're going to school first impression are important. It could mean the difference between Friday nights on the town or Friday nights in the chat room. People tend to judge quickly, especially in college. Make your first impression count, because as my mom used to say, you never get a second chance at a first impression
The first day of classes is a very important event in every college student's life. A lot won't admit it but there is a certain level of excitement that builds up in all of us. We enter the semester with more ambition then ever, promising ourselves that we will try harder this semester, ultimately breaking that promise (sometimes within the week). Nervous freshman will get their first taste of college. It doesn't matter what year you'll be entering making a good first impression is the key to starting off your semester right. So I've come up with a few key points to ensure a successful first impression.
Shower
This isn't as obvious as it sounds. There are always a few people in every class that seem like they've delcared war on personal hygene and you avoid them from then on out without giving them a second chance. It can ruin your semester and your nasal cavity if you have to partner with them on a project. To ensure that you're not mistaken for the sasquatch give yourself enough time in the morning to shower. An extra half hour should give you enough time to lather, rinse, and repeat enough time to get the stale beer smell off you. You should also have enough time to brush and floss your teeth well enough that you don't knock out the kid next to you when you introduce yourself. Also, remember to go easy on the colonge/perfume. People will assume you're trying hide some horrific odor.
Know Where You're Going
Nothing made me feel worse as a man than the time I had to stop and ask for directions to my classroom building. Especially since my response to, " You must be a freshman, huh?" was "no, sophomore". I learned that day that people don't think less of you when you know where you're going, or at least look like you do. Print out a map of your campus the night before and circle your classroom buildings helps. If you're lost pull it out in a discrete area and point yourself in the right direction. It is also helpful to know which room number your class is in. There's always one or two idiots who walk in unpack their stuff, look at the chalk board, and realize they're in the wrong room. These people quickly turn into ninjas and attempt a stealthy escape leaving as few witnesses possible.
Get Some Sleep
As much fun as sleeping in class is, its not somthing you want to do on the first day of class. Professors see this as a sign of disrespect to them and the field they spent 8 years studying and will make your semester with them hell by picking on you as often as they can. Leading everyone to believe that you are the lazy idiot that you didn't want them to find out about. This could ruin any chance you had with the cute boy/girl in the class, and you'll have rely on drunken encounters with people way below your standards to get your kicks. Another reason to stay awake the first day is the important information you're getting. I'm serious. Take the time to look through the syllabus to find which days you can afford to miss, if/when the group project is due so you can avoid the afformentioned smelly kid and go after the overacheivers as potential partners, and everyone will most likely introduce themselves which will save you from the inevitable awkwardness that would take place if you were to meet them at a party or in the dorms.
Don't Arrive Too Early
For some reason college students like to sit in the same area of the classroom, so you'll want to give as many of your classmates a chance to find a seat before you so you can scope out the attractive members of the opposite sex and the smart kids and you can seat yourself near one of these groups depending on your intentions. Delaying your arrival will also help to ensure that you don't sit next to sketchy looking kids or the 52 year old freshman who is just waiting to show someone pictures of their new grandchild who kind of looks like the antichrist, but thats a whole other topic. Another reason not to arrive to early is because people notice people who walk through that door. By delaying your arrival all eyes will be on you for a few short moments. Just enough time to show off your new fall wardrobe that you and mom picked especially for this day. You almost feel like a fashion model in your department store clothes and two dollar flip-flops.
No matter who you are or where you're going to school first impression are important. It could mean the difference between Friday nights on the town or Friday nights in the chat room. People tend to judge quickly, especially in college. Make your first impression count, because as my mom used to say, you never get a second chance at a first impression
posted by Chad Chamley at 12:28 PM
1 comments
