The Art of Drunkeness
More times than not you will see someone at a party or bar being just a downright bad drunk. They're causing way too much trouble and/or drama than they need to. I think one of the main reasons for this is that these people don't know how to be drunk. You always see people spilling their drinks everywhere, peeing/puking in the corner, trying to get with fat chicks, or yelling at the coat rack for staring at their boyfriend/girlfriend. This is all stuff that can be avoided if you can learn the art of drunkenness. Its something almost anyone can master, unless you're the kid who is constantly shitting his pants after a night of tequila shooters (you know who you are). Here are a few easy steps to help you on your way to mastering the art of drunkenness.
Know Your Limits
Its amazing how many people have no idea how much they can hold in a given night, then you realize that the majority are freshman. There are few reasons why you should be able to drink yourself into a blackout. Thursdays aren't one of them. You can still have just as much fun when you're slightly buzzed as you do when you're seeing 3 of everything and you sound like you learned to speak on the short bus. There's a reason you never see the guy who is drooling with urine soaked pants leaving with the hot girl or any girl for that matter. Then again you're getting this advice from a guy who would have trouble picking up a girl at a nymphomaniac convention.
Stay consistent
The most common thing I notice when people lose the ability to be a good drunk is when they starting drinking things they haven't drank before. If you're a beer drinker and you start downing rum & cokes you're just asking for trouble. I know it can be enticing to try new things, especially when you're friends are buying. It just isn't worth it when you have to take a two hour shower trying to scrub off all the sharpie penises from your body...that is if you notice them in the first place.
Know Your Surroundings
Not everyone finds the bottle breaking over one's head charming, which is why you have to know your surroundings. If you understand the people you're around the easier it will be for you determine how much you can drink and not get punched, slapped or raped. You also need to know so you don't knock yourself out on a tree branch when running from the cops or wake up under a park bench because you didn't know how to get home. Being a good drunk is easy when you know exactly how much you can get away with.
Now that you're heading in the right direction to master the art of drunkenness go out there and practice. Even if it takes seven nights a week. The last thing we want is bunch of people out there who throw up their weight in vomit each month because they didn't follow these steps. There will be no more waking up wondering who or what the horrendous blob next to you is. You will not have to worry about passing out at a frat house and getting teabagged anymore. The days of unresponsible drunkenness can be a thing of the past. Remember, just because you're now a responsible drunk doesn't mean you have to drink responsibly.
Cheers.
Know Your Limits
Its amazing how many people have no idea how much they can hold in a given night, then you realize that the majority are freshman. There are few reasons why you should be able to drink yourself into a blackout. Thursdays aren't one of them. You can still have just as much fun when you're slightly buzzed as you do when you're seeing 3 of everything and you sound like you learned to speak on the short bus. There's a reason you never see the guy who is drooling with urine soaked pants leaving with the hot girl or any girl for that matter. Then again you're getting this advice from a guy who would have trouble picking up a girl at a nymphomaniac convention.
Stay consistent
The most common thing I notice when people lose the ability to be a good drunk is when they starting drinking things they haven't drank before. If you're a beer drinker and you start downing rum & cokes you're just asking for trouble. I know it can be enticing to try new things, especially when you're friends are buying. It just isn't worth it when you have to take a two hour shower trying to scrub off all the sharpie penises from your body...that is if you notice them in the first place.
Know Your Surroundings
Not everyone finds the bottle breaking over one's head charming, which is why you have to know your surroundings. If you understand the people you're around the easier it will be for you determine how much you can drink and not get punched, slapped or raped. You also need to know so you don't knock yourself out on a tree branch when running from the cops or wake up under a park bench because you didn't know how to get home. Being a good drunk is easy when you know exactly how much you can get away with.
Now that you're heading in the right direction to master the art of drunkenness go out there and practice. Even if it takes seven nights a week. The last thing we want is bunch of people out there who throw up their weight in vomit each month because they didn't follow these steps. There will be no more waking up wondering who or what the horrendous blob next to you is. You will not have to worry about passing out at a frat house and getting teabagged anymore. The days of unresponsible drunkenness can be a thing of the past. Remember, just because you're now a responsible drunk doesn't mean you have to drink responsibly.
Cheers.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:52 PM
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