This Dry Spell Is Killing Me
Dear Chad,
You're such a pussy. Ahh, pussy. Remember pussy? You do? Well I sure as fuck don't. It's been over a year since I've been near anything resembling pussy. And you're not going to trick me. Even if you sit on it for awhile I still know its your hand. I'm not stupid, asshole. Its been so long that I don't even know if I'll be able to perform up to my capabilities when I get a chance. What I'm trying to say, Chad, is that this dry spell is killing me.
Look, it isn't my job to find the women and bring them home, but I'm going to try and help your sorry ass out. Ok, it might help if you leave the barstool. It's bad enough that I have to hear Liver bitch about your drinking, but now its starting to affect me, and that pisses me right off. Go out and dance with that chick dancing by herself, she's asking for it. I understand that you dance about as well as a one legged man with vertigo, but Jesus Christ take one for the team for once. You never know she might be dumb and find you charming.
You're probably thinking that you don't have the balls to pull that off. Well, I'm here to tell you that you do have the balls. I'm looking at them right now, and they are not to happy either. I can tell because they're blue. Not because they haven't used in awhile, but because they're sad. Sad that you won't step up for them when they need you. Remember when you were riding your bike and you fell on the crossbar? Remember who cared enough about you to break your fall even though it caused them to be sore for about three days? That's right, your balls. I think its time you repay the favor.
It really wouldn't kill you to hit up the treadmill once in awhile. I hear the ladies like men who are "in shape", but what would I know, I'm only a reproductive organ. I really don't care how you do it. Hell, go hoggin' if you have to. Just find some tail and end this dry spell because it is killing me.
Sincerely,
Your Penis
P.S. I'm a fan of the new loofah thing in the shower, stick with it.
You're such a pussy. Ahh, pussy. Remember pussy? You do? Well I sure as fuck don't. It's been over a year since I've been near anything resembling pussy. And you're not going to trick me. Even if you sit on it for awhile I still know its your hand. I'm not stupid, asshole. Its been so long that I don't even know if I'll be able to perform up to my capabilities when I get a chance. What I'm trying to say, Chad, is that this dry spell is killing me.
Look, it isn't my job to find the women and bring them home, but I'm going to try and help your sorry ass out. Ok, it might help if you leave the barstool. It's bad enough that I have to hear Liver bitch about your drinking, but now its starting to affect me, and that pisses me right off. Go out and dance with that chick dancing by herself, she's asking for it. I understand that you dance about as well as a one legged man with vertigo, but Jesus Christ take one for the team for once. You never know she might be dumb and find you charming.
You're probably thinking that you don't have the balls to pull that off. Well, I'm here to tell you that you do have the balls. I'm looking at them right now, and they are not to happy either. I can tell because they're blue. Not because they haven't used in awhile, but because they're sad. Sad that you won't step up for them when they need you. Remember when you were riding your bike and you fell on the crossbar? Remember who cared enough about you to break your fall even though it caused them to be sore for about three days? That's right, your balls. I think its time you repay the favor.
It really wouldn't kill you to hit up the treadmill once in awhile. I hear the ladies like men who are "in shape", but what would I know, I'm only a reproductive organ. I really don't care how you do it. Hell, go hoggin' if you have to. Just find some tail and end this dry spell because it is killing me.
Sincerely,
Your Penis
P.S. I'm a fan of the new loofah thing in the shower, stick with it.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:12 PM
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