Drinking Coach For Hire
When you go out drinking to people compliment you on how much fun you are? Do they praise you for how well you handle yourself while you're shitfaced? No? Well, it happens to me all the time. For most of you, when you drink alcohol your judgment becomes impared thus leading to bad decisions. These can hurt your pride, bank account and head. In the most exreme cases, your asshole. Its probably because you have bad driking habits, like taking shots out of an exremely hairy man's belly button or taking part in teqila chugging contests. If you find yourself consistanly regretting the night before then you are in luck. For only a nominal fee or 1 case of beer per week I am willing tto help you out as your personal drinking coach. Here are a services I offer:
Drunk Dialing Etiquitte and Procedures
If you're the person who finds themselves calling their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend at 3am after going through half a bottle of cheap vodka then I'm your man. Not only can I assure you won't call your ex, but when you do inevitably make that drunk phone call it will be one of the best messages you will ever leave. Remember a good drunk dial shouldn't last any less than three minutes. Once on the phone you will engage in a civil conversation with the person as if they were on the phone. I will also teach you how to effectively shout into the phone while excessively slurring. You will become a favorite among your friends and people will in turn buy you beer in hopes of receiving one of your legendary drunk dials.
Alcohol Limit and Frequency Assessment
A very common mistake a lot of drinkers make is not knowing how much they can handle and how fast they should drink. This results in puking at inappropriate times and passing out in unfavorable places such as ass up in a frathouse or in a public toilet while people piss inches away from your head. As your coach I will spend a week getting you wasted to learn how much you can drink so I can accurately assess your tolarence level. Granted their will be vomiting and hangovers, but this is all part of the learning process. Plus you should already be used to those if you're seeking my help. I will also help you learn what the term "pace yourself" means. Granted there will be times where you will need to increase the frequency of your intake. For example, certain drinking games, keg stands, and taking on the fat chick as a wingman.
Drinking Procedure
I can't tell you how many times I've walked through a bar and seen a guy drinking his mixed drink through a straw. C'mon fellas, it looks like you're sucking a clear thin cock. Bend that thing back and drink your booze right from the glass like a man. If you can't do that then I will have to apply my electroshock theropy machine to you testicles because if you insist on drinking like that you don't deserve them.
These are just a few of the services I offer. If you or a friend think you deserve to get more out of your drinking experience then contact me for a free comparative analysis to see if you can in fact be saved. Until then here's to getting drunk the right way.
Drunk Dialing Etiquitte and Procedures
If you're the person who finds themselves calling their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend at 3am after going through half a bottle of cheap vodka then I'm your man. Not only can I assure you won't call your ex, but when you do inevitably make that drunk phone call it will be one of the best messages you will ever leave. Remember a good drunk dial shouldn't last any less than three minutes. Once on the phone you will engage in a civil conversation with the person as if they were on the phone. I will also teach you how to effectively shout into the phone while excessively slurring. You will become a favorite among your friends and people will in turn buy you beer in hopes of receiving one of your legendary drunk dials.
Alcohol Limit and Frequency Assessment
A very common mistake a lot of drinkers make is not knowing how much they can handle and how fast they should drink. This results in puking at inappropriate times and passing out in unfavorable places such as ass up in a frathouse or in a public toilet while people piss inches away from your head. As your coach I will spend a week getting you wasted to learn how much you can drink so I can accurately assess your tolarence level. Granted their will be vomiting and hangovers, but this is all part of the learning process. Plus you should already be used to those if you're seeking my help. I will also help you learn what the term "pace yourself" means. Granted there will be times where you will need to increase the frequency of your intake. For example, certain drinking games, keg stands, and taking on the fat chick as a wingman.
Drinking Procedure
I can't tell you how many times I've walked through a bar and seen a guy drinking his mixed drink through a straw. C'mon fellas, it looks like you're sucking a clear thin cock. Bend that thing back and drink your booze right from the glass like a man. If you can't do that then I will have to apply my electroshock theropy machine to you testicles because if you insist on drinking like that you don't deserve them.
These are just a few of the services I offer. If you or a friend think you deserve to get more out of your drinking experience then contact me for a free comparative analysis to see if you can in fact be saved. Until then here's to getting drunk the right way.
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:52 PM
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