Me & The Bouncers
It's no secret that I like to enjoy a few beers and a fine establishment from time to time. Almost always these occurrences go down without a hitch. We either talk about sports or I sit and pretend to listen while my friends bitch about their big time corporate jobs. Either way we've never run into trouble. That was until last summer.
It started out seemingly harmless. My roommate was leaving town and was having a going away party at a local bar called 'Burrito Loco' or as I like to call it "The Crazy Burrito". I was having a good time. Telling stories, staring at the scantily clad ladies, kicking everyone's ass in darts, and bragging about how I was kicking everyone's ass in darts. Then the rain stopped. Up until then it was pouring and my friends were getting pissed because they needed a cigarette.
I should probably tell you that there is a smoking ban in Minneapolis, which I'm completely fine with since I'm allergic to smoke. However, almost all of my friends smoke and they were pissed. They would go to a bar that had outdoor plumbing and exclusively served warm tequila if they could smoke in there. I had a friend who was flying to England and his list of things he was afraid of when like this: 1) Not being able to smoke for 18hrs. 2) Crashing. 3) Being seated next to a clown. It's sad, but I'm digressing.
I just finished my third beer and decided I needed some fresh air and stepped out with them. After I settled a heated argument about what Superman's real name was we went back inside. My friends went ahead and went back upstairs since that's where the bar was and I went to say hi to a girl I knew as well as her hot friend. After almost immediately striking out I turn to go back up to the bar.
I walked up to the bouncers and showed them my admission stamp. I started heading up the steps (keep in mind that it had been raining) and about three steps up I slip and fall to my knee. At that point the bouncers tell me I've had too much to drink and ask me to leave. I thought they were joking so I gave them the courtesy laugh and continued upstairs. They must have said something in their walkie talkies because right when I got to the top of the stairs this bouncer who looks like the lead singer from Nickelback on steroids tackles me into the wall.
Me: What the fuck?
Bouncer: You have to leave?
Me: What the hell did I do?
Bouncer: Sir, you have to leave?
Me: Tell me what I did.
Bouncer: Come with me to bottom of the stairs and we'll discuss it.
Me: This is fucking ridiculous.
So we head downstairs because I'm apparently wasted out of my mind off of 3 beers. I mean I can't even walk up steps. There case loses credibility as we walk down the stairs as Mr. Nickelback nearly slips and falls on his ass on the way down.
Bouncer: Sir, you're too intoxicated to stay in the bar.
Me: I just got here. Your queer friend here gave me my stamp like an hour ago.
Bouncer: You could have drank before you came to the bar.
Me: That's just a bullshit assumption (even though I did)
Bouncer: Either you leave now or we will have to remove you physically.
Being thrown out of a bar had always looked like fun to me, and these guys seem like they were chomping at the bit to do it. In fact, I would bet money that they jack eachother off to scenarios like this every day at the gym inbetween protein drinks. So, I thought about it for a little bit. Called my friends and told them to bring my coat downstairs. Looked at the bouncer with the best pissed off expression I could muster.
"Fine, throw me out."
His eyes lit up like someone just bought him a $100 gift certificate to GNC. He then said something into his walkie talkie and within two minutes 3 other bouncers showed up with looks on their faces like they were at a gang bang. 3 of them pick me up while the other two make a path, and I pretend to be pissed off and start apologizing for calling them cum guzzling ass pirates. We finally make it to the door and they throw me a good five feet on to the pavement.
Just as I was getting done telling the bouncers that they throw like pussies my friends emerged from the bar laughing hysterically. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I'm far too drunk for this bar and they had to physically remove me," I replied.
"But you just started drinking," one friend said.
"That's what I told them and they didn't believe me. "
"You dumbass. Lets go across the street"
*Across the street at a different bar*
Bouncer: He can't come in. We saw him get thrown out of the Loco.
Me: What is your name?
Bouncer: Joe.
Me: Joe.....go fuck yourself.
Joe still won't let me into that bar to this day.
It started out seemingly harmless. My roommate was leaving town and was having a going away party at a local bar called 'Burrito Loco' or as I like to call it "The Crazy Burrito". I was having a good time. Telling stories, staring at the scantily clad ladies, kicking everyone's ass in darts, and bragging about how I was kicking everyone's ass in darts. Then the rain stopped. Up until then it was pouring and my friends were getting pissed because they needed a cigarette.
I should probably tell you that there is a smoking ban in Minneapolis, which I'm completely fine with since I'm allergic to smoke. However, almost all of my friends smoke and they were pissed. They would go to a bar that had outdoor plumbing and exclusively served warm tequila if they could smoke in there. I had a friend who was flying to England and his list of things he was afraid of when like this: 1) Not being able to smoke for 18hrs. 2) Crashing. 3) Being seated next to a clown. It's sad, but I'm digressing.
I just finished my third beer and decided I needed some fresh air and stepped out with them. After I settled a heated argument about what Superman's real name was we went back inside. My friends went ahead and went back upstairs since that's where the bar was and I went to say hi to a girl I knew as well as her hot friend. After almost immediately striking out I turn to go back up to the bar.
I walked up to the bouncers and showed them my admission stamp. I started heading up the steps (keep in mind that it had been raining) and about three steps up I slip and fall to my knee. At that point the bouncers tell me I've had too much to drink and ask me to leave. I thought they were joking so I gave them the courtesy laugh and continued upstairs. They must have said something in their walkie talkies because right when I got to the top of the stairs this bouncer who looks like the lead singer from Nickelback on steroids tackles me into the wall.
Me: What the fuck?
Bouncer: You have to leave?
Me: What the hell did I do?
Bouncer: Sir, you have to leave?
Me: Tell me what I did.
Bouncer: Come with me to bottom of the stairs and we'll discuss it.
Me: This is fucking ridiculous.
So we head downstairs because I'm apparently wasted out of my mind off of 3 beers. I mean I can't even walk up steps. There case loses credibility as we walk down the stairs as Mr. Nickelback nearly slips and falls on his ass on the way down.
Bouncer: Sir, you're too intoxicated to stay in the bar.
Me: I just got here. Your queer friend here gave me my stamp like an hour ago.
Bouncer: You could have drank before you came to the bar.
Me: That's just a bullshit assumption (even though I did)
Bouncer: Either you leave now or we will have to remove you physically.
Being thrown out of a bar had always looked like fun to me, and these guys seem like they were chomping at the bit to do it. In fact, I would bet money that they jack eachother off to scenarios like this every day at the gym inbetween protein drinks. So, I thought about it for a little bit. Called my friends and told them to bring my coat downstairs. Looked at the bouncer with the best pissed off expression I could muster.
"Fine, throw me out."
His eyes lit up like someone just bought him a $100 gift certificate to GNC. He then said something into his walkie talkie and within two minutes 3 other bouncers showed up with looks on their faces like they were at a gang bang. 3 of them pick me up while the other two make a path, and I pretend to be pissed off and start apologizing for calling them cum guzzling ass pirates. We finally make it to the door and they throw me a good five feet on to the pavement.
Just as I was getting done telling the bouncers that they throw like pussies my friends emerged from the bar laughing hysterically. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I'm far too drunk for this bar and they had to physically remove me," I replied.
"But you just started drinking," one friend said.
"That's what I told them and they didn't believe me. "
"You dumbass. Lets go across the street"
*Across the street at a different bar*
Bouncer: He can't come in. We saw him get thrown out of the Loco.
Me: What is your name?
Bouncer: Joe.
Me: Joe.....go fuck yourself.
Joe still won't let me into that bar to this day.
posted by Chad Chamley at 10:00 PM
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