I Love The 90's
Is anyone else tired of those "I love the 90's" shows on VH1. Especially since they don't talk about anything that made the 90's so great for our generation. I don't care that Russia opened a McDonald's. They can rot in Hell for all I care. I'm also pretty sure that half of the people they have "commenting" on the show are people they pick off the street. There are a few people who are just known as writers. What do they write??? I'm somewhat of a writer why can't I be on any of the shows? How the hell does Joel Stein manage to get onto everyone of these types of shows? Does he do anything else? Why do I care so much? Anyway, here is what I would talk about if I were on the show as a "writer".
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Trilogy
I loved the Ninja Turtle cartoon. Even went as Raphael for Halloween once. I owned every Turtle toy imaginable, even the pizza shooting vehicle. None of this prepared me for what was the greatest event of 1990, The release of the first Ninja Turtle movie. After watching this movie and being 7 years old I thought I could take on the world with my new found ninja skills. So I practiced on my brother (who was smaller than me at the time). I made knumchucks out of paper towel rolls and yarn. Then "The Secret of the Ooze" came out two years later and blew my mind. I still get excited whenever I get a chance to watch that. Which, I know is sad, but I don't care....TURTLE POWER!
Zubaz Pants
Who didn't have a pair of these at one point in their lives or at least in 1991 when they were the coolest things ever? I lived in them, and they somehow held on much longer than they should have and I wore mine about a year longer than anyone else I knew. Only because I converted some into shorts. I'm sure you'd be able to see these today somewhere around your local trailer park. I can't wait till these make a comeback. In fact, if you're reading this I urge you to start wearing Zubaz again.
Red Shoe Diaries
This is when I discovered the wonderful world of porn. I didn't care that it was poorly written softcore porn at the time. In the mid 90's IT WAS PORN!! My friend had all of the premium channels and we were flipping through them one night and unknowingly stumbled across a show that changed our lives forever. We didn't know stuff like this existed on TV. I'm kind of ashamed to admit this, but I still remember that particular episode starred Joan Severance. Lets just say that 'self exploration' soon followed.
Middle School Dances
These were hilarious. When I was growing up this was the only time you did anything with your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", and god forbid that you kiss eachother. I remember watching people dance and they looked as comfortable as a blind man playing dodgeball. I don't remember, was it required that you have at least six inches between you and your dance partner? I wouldn't know I never danced at these things. I was always wondering around or working as a horrible DJ playing 'Achey Breaky Heart' anytime I had the chance. Which might be why they never let me DJ again or got asked to any dances.
Super Nintendo/Nintendo 64/Sega Genesis
They talked about Playstation on the VH1 show, but Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, or Sega Genesis was where it was at. I didn't care that I could go blind or have an epileptic seizure at anytime. I was gonna beat any game I played and sit as close to the TV as possible. One of the most popular games was GoldenEye. I sucked at GoldenEye, but that didn't stop from spending at least two hours a day getting my ass kicked by my friends. Which was fine with me because I couldn't be beaten at NBA Jam. I wouldn't be surprised if every guy from our generation has carpal tunnel by age 35 from all the video game playing we did. Other things could contribute to that as well I guess.
The Wonders of Beer
I had my first unsupervised can of beer during the summer of '99 and by unsupervised I mean that my uncles used to think it was funny to get me drunk at family gatherings. Anyway, I was too young to realize that I was drinking High Life and that stuff can make you puke and make phone calls that you wish you wouldn't. It may also have marked the one and only time that I got drunk off of 3 beers. I didn't know at the time but I had stumbled on to something great. A cold beer on a hot day on the lake. Beer and I have become great friends since.
The 1991 Minnesota Twins
I remember exactly where I was for Mr. Buck's famous "we'll see you tomorrow night" call. I was in my basement watching the game, where were you? Anyway, being the nerd that I am I probably spent at least an hour each day the next summer pretending I was Kirby Puckett by tossing up rocks and hitting them into a field then run the imaginary bases. I still have conversations about Jack Morris' game with people to this day and still defend Kent Hrbek to the point to were I think I'm going to get hit about the "leg lift".
Starter Jackets
Another 90's fashion that was way too popular. I owned a Michigan Wolverines one and wore it every chance I had. Even fat balding adults were wearing these things whenever they had a chance. You couldn't go to an outdoor college football game without seeing at least 50 of these jackets. Now if you see someone wearing one you have to automatically assume they're from a shelter. That is the only excusable explanation for being seen in one. That and being from Wisconsin
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Trilogy
I loved the Ninja Turtle cartoon. Even went as Raphael for Halloween once. I owned every Turtle toy imaginable, even the pizza shooting vehicle. None of this prepared me for what was the greatest event of 1990, The release of the first Ninja Turtle movie. After watching this movie and being 7 years old I thought I could take on the world with my new found ninja skills. So I practiced on my brother (who was smaller than me at the time). I made knumchucks out of paper towel rolls and yarn. Then "The Secret of the Ooze" came out two years later and blew my mind. I still get excited whenever I get a chance to watch that. Which, I know is sad, but I don't care....TURTLE POWER!
Zubaz Pants
Who didn't have a pair of these at one point in their lives or at least in 1991 when they were the coolest things ever? I lived in them, and they somehow held on much longer than they should have and I wore mine about a year longer than anyone else I knew. Only because I converted some into shorts. I'm sure you'd be able to see these today somewhere around your local trailer park. I can't wait till these make a comeback. In fact, if you're reading this I urge you to start wearing Zubaz again.
Red Shoe Diaries
This is when I discovered the wonderful world of porn. I didn't care that it was poorly written softcore porn at the time. In the mid 90's IT WAS PORN!! My friend had all of the premium channels and we were flipping through them one night and unknowingly stumbled across a show that changed our lives forever. We didn't know stuff like this existed on TV. I'm kind of ashamed to admit this, but I still remember that particular episode starred Joan Severance. Lets just say that 'self exploration' soon followed.
Middle School Dances
These were hilarious. When I was growing up this was the only time you did anything with your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", and god forbid that you kiss eachother. I remember watching people dance and they looked as comfortable as a blind man playing dodgeball. I don't remember, was it required that you have at least six inches between you and your dance partner? I wouldn't know I never danced at these things. I was always wondering around or working as a horrible DJ playing 'Achey Breaky Heart' anytime I had the chance. Which might be why they never let me DJ again or got asked to any dances.
Super Nintendo/Nintendo 64/Sega Genesis
They talked about Playstation on the VH1 show, but Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, or Sega Genesis was where it was at. I didn't care that I could go blind or have an epileptic seizure at anytime. I was gonna beat any game I played and sit as close to the TV as possible. One of the most popular games was GoldenEye. I sucked at GoldenEye, but that didn't stop from spending at least two hours a day getting my ass kicked by my friends. Which was fine with me because I couldn't be beaten at NBA Jam. I wouldn't be surprised if every guy from our generation has carpal tunnel by age 35 from all the video game playing we did. Other things could contribute to that as well I guess.
The Wonders of Beer
I had my first unsupervised can of beer during the summer of '99 and by unsupervised I mean that my uncles used to think it was funny to get me drunk at family gatherings. Anyway, I was too young to realize that I was drinking High Life and that stuff can make you puke and make phone calls that you wish you wouldn't. It may also have marked the one and only time that I got drunk off of 3 beers. I didn't know at the time but I had stumbled on to something great. A cold beer on a hot day on the lake. Beer and I have become great friends since.
The 1991 Minnesota Twins
I remember exactly where I was for Mr. Buck's famous "we'll see you tomorrow night" call. I was in my basement watching the game, where were you? Anyway, being the nerd that I am I probably spent at least an hour each day the next summer pretending I was Kirby Puckett by tossing up rocks and hitting them into a field then run the imaginary bases. I still have conversations about Jack Morris' game with people to this day and still defend Kent Hrbek to the point to were I think I'm going to get hit about the "leg lift".
Starter Jackets
Another 90's fashion that was way too popular. I owned a Michigan Wolverines one and wore it every chance I had. Even fat balding adults were wearing these things whenever they had a chance. You couldn't go to an outdoor college football game without seeing at least 50 of these jackets. Now if you see someone wearing one you have to automatically assume they're from a shelter. That is the only excusable explanation for being seen in one. That and being from Wisconsin
posted by Chad Chamley at 9:49 PM
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