University of Minnesota Douchebag Population on the Rise
By Chad Chamley
Minneapolis,MN--The University of Minnesota started a new semester this month and all seemed to be going well. That is until university officials released a report stating that the University's douchebag population is at an all time high. A trend that they hoped they could have avoided. Students and university officials are all well aware of the situation
"We saw this coming and couldn't do anything about it" said University Relations Vice President Linda Thrane, "we've been receiving less interest from non douchebags resulting in us having to admit more and more douchebags." Thrane also believes that the increase may be due to the fact that high schools are putting out douchebags and a record rate. "Today's (high) schools seemed to be full of them (douchebags) making it a problem for schools everywhere"
Douchebags are especially hard to deal with because they don't actually know that they are, in fact, douchebags. "Douchebags are a unique group of people. They can interact with eachother with an almost caveman like level of intelligence," Psychology Professor Dr. Joyce Bono said, " and when you call them douchebags they become insulted and resort to primitive threats like yelling and pushing"
The group that is probably having the hardest time adapting to the increase is the non douchebag students. Some of which have gone as far as cutting all communication with douchebags. "When I was a freshman there was one douchebag for every 25 students and now its more like one for every seven or eight," said Senior Brad Andersen, " A group of them came to a party I was at already drunk and started hitting on all the girls there. They've even taken over a few bars on campus. I hate them."
One of the bars that they seemed to have taken over is Blarney Pub & Grill in Dinkytown. Douchebags will flock to this bar in record numbers every Thursday night. "They're called douchebags for a reason," said one employee who wished to remain anonymous, "they don't care that we overprice everything or make their drinks weak so they keep buying more. They're just content on getting ridiculously drunk and wondering around aimlessly annoying every non douchebag they can."
Douchebags are easy to identify because of their arrogance, over use of body spray or cheap cologne, and excessive hair product use. University officials are urging students to just try and ignore douchebags for the time being while they try to figure out a way to rid the campus of them.
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Minneapolis,MN--The University of Minnesota started a new semester this month and all seemed to be going well. That is until university officials released a report stating that the University's douchebag population is at an all time high. A trend that they hoped they could have avoided. Students and university officials are all well aware of the situation
"We saw this coming and couldn't do anything about it" said University Relations Vice President Linda Thrane, "we've been receiving less interest from non douchebags resulting in us having to admit more and more douchebags." Thrane also believes that the increase may be due to the fact that high schools are putting out douchebags and a record rate. "Today's (high) schools seemed to be full of them (douchebags) making it a problem for schools everywhere"
Douchebags are especially hard to deal with because they don't actually know that they are, in fact, douchebags. "Douchebags are a unique group of people. They can interact with eachother with an almost caveman like level of intelligence," Psychology Professor Dr. Joyce Bono said, " and when you call them douchebags they become insulted and resort to primitive threats like yelling and pushing"
The group that is probably having the hardest time adapting to the increase is the non douchebag students. Some of which have gone as far as cutting all communication with douchebags. "When I was a freshman there was one douchebag for every 25 students and now its more like one for every seven or eight," said Senior Brad Andersen, " A group of them came to a party I was at already drunk and started hitting on all the girls there. They've even taken over a few bars on campus. I hate them."
One of the bars that they seemed to have taken over is Blarney Pub & Grill in Dinkytown. Douchebags will flock to this bar in record numbers every Thursday night. "They're called douchebags for a reason," said one employee who wished to remain anonymous, "they don't care that we overprice everything or make their drinks weak so they keep buying more. They're just content on getting ridiculously drunk and wondering around aimlessly annoying every non douchebag they can."
Douchebags are easy to identify because of their arrogance, over use of body spray or cheap cologne, and excessive hair product use. University officials are urging students to just try and ignore douchebags for the time being while they try to figure out a way to rid the campus of them.
Link of the Week
Hello my future girlfriend (Sound Helps)
posted by Chad Chamley at 5:36 PM
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