The De-Evolution of the Female Ass

There is a disturbing epidemic sweeping across this great land that has a lot young men questioning their existence. The most notable of these men is Anthony Ray, best known as Sir Mix-A-Lot, who has been quoted as saying that he likes his butts "real thick & juicy". Like Mr. Ray I am a fan of a nice ass, I always take the time to admire one whenever it passes me. However, nice asses are becoming more and more rare. It seems like having no ass is becoming the new look and it couldn't be more disturbing. It has come to the point to where most college age women have to tattoo their lower back just to take the focus off of their lack of an ass. Even some of the 'plus size' girls are losing their ass, which (if they're not too big) would be one of their only remaining assets.

Men everywhere are becoming worried that the curvaceous ass they've grown to admire may becoming extinct. If it does it will be the worst loss for men since Baywatch ended. It seems when I check out girl's rear view its almost like looking at the back of a mannequin. There may be some girls reading this claiming they have an ass, and some probably do. But is it all it can be? Most likely it isn't and that's disheartening for the male population. I wish I had the solution to end the de-evolution before its to late and the few ladies that are remaining true to their curvy ways are lost to the dark side.

Working out may have something to do with this tragic transformation, and I don't mind that you like to work out to ensure you look good, but please don't do it at the expense of your beautiful backside. Mr Ray would tell you that you "can do side-bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt". This rings true to men everywhere. No man in his right mind will tell you that he likes the flat look over the "bootylicious" look. I don't understand why women would want to look like a 2x4. But that doesn't seem like it will be enough to keep the look that remains so near and dear to my heart.

There are a few short term solutions out there that can give a the derriere challenged the illusion of an ass. Tight black or white pants, for example, remain a favorite around many male circles. These pants always seem to bring out the best of the female ass. Another popular choice to enhance the posterior are the short cotton shorts or "bun huggers", which is a favorite of many of my fellow males any time of the year. Also one of the few reason you may find me working out in a gym. There are many other ways you can enhance you backside, get creative. There's nothing wrong with giving your ass an identity.

I would like to take some time to salute those who are still sportin' the booty. It is because of you that there is still hope that the days of the ass will soon be upon us, and when this day comes all will rejoice. Because it will not be until that time when men can truly be happy. Especially Mr. Anthony Ray.

Remember ladies, my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

Link of the Week
Be Sure To Check Out Part II of this True Story

Types of College Students

Surely, most of us have been exposed to some sort of formal education in our lives. My formal education has thus far been up four years of college. However much education you've had, I'm sure all of us can agree that we've come across several species of fellow students in our education. In high school, apparently now it's 'preps','goths','punks', 'skaters',and 'everyone else'. In my classes, I didn't see any of that, but there are definitely several categories that College Students break into. Since I'm going to my first class of 2005 I figured I should know what I was getting myself into.

1. The Over Achiever - We all know this one.

2. The Zealot - This guy has an intellectual orgasm everytime he catches the professor in a slight mistake. Takes the class way too seriously; as if he'll get crucified if he doesn't get an A. Thinks he's a Chemical Engineer in 4300 Calculus when he's probably a Communication major and he's in freshman level math.

3. The Girl With the Weird Name - You know this one.. first day of class, professor is calling roll.. he says "Z-.." and looks up with a puzzled expression, and some girl red in the face says, "Zaprena", or something to that effect. Such a girl was in my class; her name is 'Cherytie'. Pronounced 'Charity', but in every class, someone succeeded in calling her 'Cherry-tie'. Although hilarious, it's a shame.

4. The Under Achiever - Gotta love this one. Just sits in the very VERY back of the class and appears to be zoned out the whole time. Especially funny when the teacher randomly calls on them.

5. The Apathetic Upperclassmen - Usually come in pairs, two seniors or juniors who just want to pass with a C and proceed to read the newspaper for a large amount of the class.

6. The Horny Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pair - These two sit together, usually with the guy right behind the girl, and the guy proceeds to poke and tickle the girl during the whole class, or they hold hands. Either way these people make me sick

7. The Intruder - The guy that sits next to the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pair and attempts to get in onthe action. This guy's almost always a loser.

8. The Homosexual - Simple enough, but there are two kinds. One keeps to himself, the other attempts to use the class as a platform to propagate his homosexuality and such.

9. The Lesbian - Same as #8, but 'herself' and 'her' for 'himself' and 'his'.

10. The Lesbian Couple - Every guy's dream (if they're hot).

11. The Homosexual Couple - Every guy's nightmare.

12. The Feminazi - Hates men, Advocate for female equality, Hippie.

13. The Future Attorney - Argues every point made in class to the point where everyone starts throwing shit at him.

14. The Addict - Starts fiending and shaking, usually for cigarettes, sometimes for harder drugs, halfway through class. Can be irritable.

15. The Quiet Girl - Never talks, probably masquerades as a superhero on weekends.

16. The Guy Who Just Woke Up - Shows up 5 minutes late to class in the clothes he wore last night. Usually sleeps through the class.

17. The Stupid Bitch - This chick makes it a point to ask at least 50 questions a class. It doesn't seem to matter that half of her questions have been answered or that they have nothing to do with the topic at hand.

Link of the Week
Thanks to Matty E. for letting me in on his secrets

Bar Scene Breakdown

I recently brought you an index of the types of drunks there are out there and since people seemed to like it I decided to expand on the topic. In the article I will breakdown the types of people you will most likely encounter everytime you go to the bar, or maybe shine some light on your bar habits. Either way I defy you to find a bar that doesn't have one of the following tossing back a few.

"The Dancing Queen"
Most bars playing loud music will have a few of these. These girls (and sometimes men) seem to only be happy when they are dancing, usually by themselves or with another girl. They don't care that their bar tab is being driven up by the mass amounts of the drinks that get spilled. I do however get a kick out of these people because the majority of them don't know how to dance.

"The Striped Shirt Guy"
You will usually find this guy at dance clubs sipping on Long Island Ice Teas or Gin & Tonic hitting on anything with a vagina. Most of the time you will see these guys in striped button down shirt packs, feasting on the drunkest dirtiest girls at the club. These guy are very easy to spot not only because of the stripped shirt but because of the stench of the excess use of Tag/Axe body spray.

"The Normie"
The "Normie" has a lot of the same characteristics as the famous Cheers character. They're just sitting at the bar or table with a few friends drinking beer. Normies are probably the least moblie of the bar patrons (by choice), only getting up to relieve themselves or get more beer if the waitstaff isn't available. These usually friendly people tend to mind themselves as long as there is a beer in front of them and something to talk about.

"The Douchebag"
A close relative to the "striped shirt" guy. Described in full detail at the link provided. I will say this about this group. Dispite their douchebaggedness they always seem like their having fun. However, they are the ones who choose to go out in public looking like this.

"The Social Butterfly"
These girls seem to know everybody or at least try to know everybody if you know what I mean. These girls are generally nice and can sometimes be a little misleading. They're usually just really talkative when they are drunk or at least that's there excuse. I like to believe that it's because they're women and don't know how to keep quiet for extended periods of time. Don't confuse them with....

"The Skank"
These girls usually head to the bar with an agenda that 9.999 times out of ten does not involve me. I good way to spot these girls is to see who is laughing at the douchebag's jokes or who is surrouned by striped shirts. These girls love the attention but will tell you otherwise if you call them on it. Which its why you should stay away from them. Unless you're....

"The Manwhore"
They can easily be confused with the striped shirt guy the only difference is that the striped shirt guy cares more about his appearance then getting laid. The manwhore will stop at nothing to bring home some tail. Even if it means spending $80 on vodka cranberries or amaretto sours.

"The Creepy Old Guy"
Usually found at college bars the creepy old guy seems to be always sitting in the same spot everytime you go to the bar. I haven't figured out he mystery behind their ability to give girls chills with just one look. Look out for the ones who like to make physical contact with you.

"The Sloppy Drunk"
These people are always fun to watch from a distance. They can either be a guy or a girl. When its a guy its the one yelling and staggering around just before the bouncers kick him out. The girls are always being dragged around because they've lost the ability to use their feet, which doesn't seem to keep them from laughing.

"Mr./Miss Karoke"
It doesn't have to be Karoke night for these people to come out. They will sing (horribly) every song that the bar is playing. These people have the potential to ruin a night out, especially if they're traveling in groups. And don't tell these people that they are bad singers because they will spend the rest of the night trying to prove you wrong.

Link of the Week
This never gets old

Sublime Mediocrity Interviews Bert & Ernie

I recently sat down with two of children's television most beloved characters for an interview. This comic duo have been entertaining children for 36 years including yours truely. Now a candid look into the lives of two televison icons from both on and off the screen.

Sublime Mediocrity: I would first like to thank you for your time. Its such an honor to be in the presence of such great talent like you.

Ernie: Thank you. Its always nice to meet new fans.

Bert: Yeah, yeah. Get on with it.

SM: How have you two been able to keep up such a dynamic on screen chemistry for over 30 years?

B: It helps that we can't remember most of the 70's & 80's thanks to drugs and booze.

E: Oh yeah, we were high all the time. I thought for the longest time that the damn rubber ducky was actually talking to me. I got so drunk before one episode that I forgot my lines and just made up a song.

SM: The famous "Rubber Ducky" song was just made up?

E: Yeah, I couldn't believe they used that in the episode. Hell, I can't believe they used a lot of the stuff we did in that show.

B: We also found it hilarious when we found out that the song was on the top 40 charts. Granted we were baked out our mind at the time and we laughed at everything, but it was still pretty funny.

SM: Ernie, over the years it seemed like you like to torment Bert while he was trying to sleep, Why?

E: Hmm, it could have possibly been all the LSD I was on back in the day. Man, I would bounce off the walls after a few hits of that stuff. Plus it was alwas fun to mess with Bert while he was drunk. He'd get so pissed.

B: You little shit! I wondered who was stealing my LSD. I always suspected that red bastard Elmo. He was always a little too peppy.

E: That guy is a lot worse than we ever were. Always asking kids to tickle him. Hes 42 years old for God Sakes!

SM: Speaking of that. There have been a lot of people out there who question the type of relationship you two have. What do you have to say to them?

B: First off, we're on a goddamn children's television show. Do you honestly think that they would have openly gay characters on that show? Especially on a network closely watched by the government. C'mon! Pull your head out of your ass America.

E: That notion always sets Bert off. The truth is that we are actors playing roles, and if the characters come off as a little bit queer then its the writer's fault not ours. We're just doing what we get paid to do.

SM: So you're not gay?

E:(laughing) Not even close! Off the set we're a couple of ladie's men or at least we used to be. Bert is married with a kid and I like to indulge myself with a hooker or two now and then. You know, just to take the edge off.

SM: Do you think this kind of behavior could potentially hurt your careers? I mean you guys are suppose to be examples for children.

B: Who the hell cares!! We've been on TV for 36 years. We're too rich to care what happens to other people's kids. Plus if there parents spent any time with them there wouldn't be so much pressure on us to keep them entertained.

E: Yeah, plus almost all kids these days have some sort of ADD. So now were jus wasting our time on those little shits.

SM: Ok, back to the show. Another favorite moment of mine is when you went fishing.

E: Oh yeah, thats a pretty funny stoy as well. When we first saw the script for that day and saw we were going fishing and Bert said you can't go fishing without getting high first. So we did.

B: (laughing) Big Mistake

E: (laughing) and everytime I would go 'here fishy fishy fishy' Bert would bust out laughing and we'd have to start the scene over again. It took us a day and a half to get it right.

SM: It sounds like you two have had a lot of fun during your spectacular careers. Is there any advice you have for aspiring children's entertainers or just children in general?

E: Yeah, Don't do drugs.

B&E: (Laughter)

Link of the Week
To Ensure You Get That New Job

5 Ways MTV Has Almost Ruined Television

This article first appeared in my xanga blog November 4, 2004.

5. The fact that they think they can get away trying to recycle concepts that didn't work in the first place and put a young spin on them. Most of the time its their own tired concepts that they recycle. 'Rich Girls' is now call 'Laguna Beach'. The only rich girl show anyone cares about is that green Paris Hilton Show on the internet. 'Real World' and 'Road Rules' are the same thing except one is on a road trip the whole time! Since the people who watch these shows seemed to have fallen for this which has duped the rest of the networks to try to do it themselves. They have shown other networks how to get away with being unoriginal. Since I'm fed the same boring shows on every network i turn to I have been forced to contemplate taking up reading or worse.....exercising.

4. MTV has also forced us to listen to overhyped and under talented "singers". Since TRL became mainstream we've had to endure. Boybands, Nelly and others like him (too many to name), The Bum-Bum Song, Carson Daly's lack of charisma, and TRL audience members. Now people who should not be allowed on TV have their own shows, even on other networks. I can't begin to explain the lack of entertainment on Last Call. Carson Daly couldn't look more awkward interviewing guests if he was wearing a dress. Plus its kind hard to do an interview while kissing a guest's ass. Jenny McCarthy's show on NBC was an absolute disaster as well (probably because people lose interest when she's clothed).

3. MTV has totally abandoned what it stood for when it was first created. To promote individuality by showing music from all genres. Today that couldn't be further from the truth. All we get now from them is mindless, unoriginal shows that have nothing to do with music. It molds its viewers into self centered, superficial, dependant, weak minded imbiciles. Making it vertually impossible for other networks to provide quality original programming for the highly sought after MTV audience of 18-25 year olds. Thus we get the crap we see today.

2. It is the sole reason that people like, Ashlee Simpson, Nick Lachey, Jack & Kelly Osborne, Coral, Carson Daly, Sway, Chris Pontius, Steve-O, Bam Margara, and every cast member of the Real World and Road Rules have careers. MTV thinks that the majority of television viewers enjoys talentless hacks making us wish we weren't human. If all you have to do is have a mediocre singing talent with comparable looks, be able to swear with a british accenct, or babble incoherently to have a television career, then why haven't I been offered a show or at the very least a record deal?

1. MTV started the reality show craze. Now you can't sit more than 20 minutes in front of the TV without having a reality show shoved in your face. We now have to endure shows like, The Apprentice, Survivor, American Idol, Temptation Island, Fear Factor, Next Top Model, Big Brother, The Swan, Trading Spouses, and the king of all that is wrong in the world and the reason i nearly ripped my eyes out, The Benefactor. Because of all this I have to spend a lifetime waiting for science to create something that will burn images of Naked Richard Hatch, Justin Guarini's Hair, Ruben Studdard's sweat, people eating a horse's penis, Donald Trump's Hair, William Hung, Jesse Palmer ruining his career, and Mark Cuban's ambiguous sexual preference out of my mind. Until then I will blame MTV for everything that is wrong with TV.

Link of the Week
Are you Insane? (You will need sound)

The Drunk Index

Over my 4 years of college and 6 plus years of steady drinking I've encountered a wide variety of drunks all over the midwest. So, I recently sat down a compiled a list of all the different kinds of drunks and put them into seven distinct categories. I believe that each drunk you encounter will fit into at least one of these categories if not more depending on how much they've had to drink. Here they are in no particular order.

The Invincible Drunk

Signs: rage, yelling, bruising, stupidity, and frequent emergency room visits.

These are the type of drunks who like to fight or just put themselves in danger. Sometimes it doesn't matter how big the other person is or how many of them. They also aren't afraid to tell you their opinion of you. They believe that they are the toughest bastards at the party and will prove it if they need to. Another thing these drunks like to do is jump off of, into, or over things. One of the most common things they like to jump around is fire. This is where stupidity starts to take over and just because they are full of alcohol means that they cannot be burned. An easy way to get them to stop this is to remind them that they are full of alcohol and alcohol is flammable.

The Don Jaun Drunk

Signs: Over confidence, lying, popped collars, unnecessary touching, and bad dancing.

These drunks think they are God's gift to women and aren't afraid to let them know about it. You usually find these drunks talking to the women wearing the least amount of clothes or dancing with the drunkest girl on the dance floor. There main goal is to "hook-up" with someone to keep their "playa" reputation well known.

The Not Drunk Enough Drunk

Signs: Beer bonging, shot gunning, excessive ''social!" calling, and repetitive mentioning of their lack of drunkeness dispite all they've drank.

These guys can never seem to get drunk enough, and when they finally get to their goal they are speeding past it. They also seem to think that they have to keep everyone up to date on their drunkeness level. These drunks are the easiest to spot and are most commonly found at frat parties. It is also common to find them in groups. Which makes sense since no one really cares how drunk they are.

The Lightweight

Signs: Throwing up, passing out, pouring out beer you can't handle, falling asleep in the bathroom at 11pm, and owning a vagina.

You always seem to have a few of these at a party and you always seem to them getting followed around by angry sober people making sure they don't make bigger fools of themselves. These drunks usually know that they are lightweights, but don't seem take into consideration until they've awakened in their bathroom 3 or 4 times.

The Shouting, Slurring Drunk

Signs: Inability to control the volume of your voice, Inability to put together a coherant sentence, Uncontrolable urge to want to tell you a story, and having to constantly repeat what you say.

These drunks can be kind of fun unless you're interrogating them. Even though they're hard to understand you seem to know what they are saying because they tend to act things out for you to a degree. They also tell you what they believe to be the best story ever, however you don't feel the same way. I can admit that I in fact fit into this catagory.

The Disability Drunk

Signs: Trouble Walking, Constant spilling, loss of brain power and logical thought, and Bad singing and dancing.

Another drunk that is fun to be around but not necessarily fun to be one yourself. You often find yourself to be the butt of the jokes when you can't walk or successfully pour your beer into your mouth. Then, because of your lowered brain power, you can't really defend yourself with witty comebacks, which leaves the door open for more mockery and ridicule. These drunk usually know that most of the ablities they enjoy sober seem to disappear when they add alcohol.

The Emotional Drunk

Signs: Crying, Partaking in unnecessary arguments, random angry outbursts, and possessing ovaries.

You always seem to see one of these at a party and its never pretty. 90% of the time its some girl overreacting to some mundane thing their boyfriend or random girl did. These people can sometimes ruin a party. Especially if the Emotional Drunk is a guy, because there's a good chance he could go Bruce Banner and turn into the Invincible Drunk all because someone questioned their masculinity. But they should expect that when they cry like little girls.

Which one do you fit into?

Link of the Week
For the ladies or curious men