Sublime Mediocrity Interviews Bert & Ernie
I recently sat down with two of children's television most beloved characters for an interview. This comic duo have been entertaining children for 36 years including yours truely. Now a candid look into the lives of two televison icons from both on and off the screen.
Sublime Mediocrity: I would first like to thank you for your time. Its such an honor to be in the presence of such great talent like you.
Ernie: Thank you. Its always nice to meet new fans.
Bert: Yeah, yeah. Get on with it.
SM: How have you two been able to keep up such a dynamic on screen chemistry for over 30 years?
B: It helps that we can't remember most of the 70's & 80's thanks to drugs and booze.
E: Oh yeah, we were high all the time. I thought for the longest time that the damn rubber ducky was actually talking to me. I got so drunk before one episode that I forgot my lines and just made up a song.
SM: The famous "Rubber Ducky" song was just made up?
E: Yeah, I couldn't believe they used that in the episode. Hell, I can't believe they used a lot of the stuff we did in that show.
B: We also found it hilarious when we found out that the song was on the top 40 charts. Granted we were baked out our mind at the time and we laughed at everything, but it was still pretty funny.
SM: Ernie, over the years it seemed like you like to torment Bert while he was trying to sleep, Why?
E: Hmm, it could have possibly been all the LSD I was on back in the day. Man, I would bounce off the walls after a few hits of that stuff. Plus it was alwas fun to mess with Bert while he was drunk. He'd get so pissed.
B: You little shit! I wondered who was stealing my LSD. I always suspected that red bastard Elmo. He was always a little too peppy.
E: That guy is a lot worse than we ever were. Always asking kids to tickle him. Hes 42 years old for God Sakes!
SM: Speaking of that. There have been a lot of people out there who question the type of relationship you two have. What do you have to say to them?
B: First off, we're on a goddamn children's television show. Do you honestly think that they would have openly gay characters on that show? Especially on a network closely watched by the government. C'mon! Pull your head out of your ass America.
E: That notion always sets Bert off. The truth is that we are actors playing roles, and if the characters come off as a little bit queer then its the writer's fault not ours. We're just doing what we get paid to do.
SM: So you're not gay?
E:(laughing) Not even close! Off the set we're a couple of ladie's men or at least we used to be. Bert is married with a kid and I like to indulge myself with a hooker or two now and then. You know, just to take the edge off.
SM: Do you think this kind of behavior could potentially hurt your careers? I mean you guys are suppose to be examples for children.
B: Who the hell cares!! We've been on TV for 36 years. We're too rich to care what happens to other people's kids. Plus if there parents spent any time with them there wouldn't be so much pressure on us to keep them entertained.
E: Yeah, plus almost all kids these days have some sort of ADD. So now were jus wasting our time on those little shits.
SM: Ok, back to the show. Another favorite moment of mine is when you went fishing.
E: Oh yeah, thats a pretty funny stoy as well. When we first saw the script for that day and saw we were going fishing and Bert said you can't go fishing without getting high first. So we did.
B: (laughing) Big Mistake
E: (laughing) and everytime I would go 'here fishy fishy fishy' Bert would bust out laughing and we'd have to start the scene over again. It took us a day and a half to get it right.
SM: It sounds like you two have had a lot of fun during your spectacular careers. Is there any advice you have for aspiring children's entertainers or just children in general?
E: Yeah, Don't do drugs.
B&E: (Laughter)
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Sublime Mediocrity: I would first like to thank you for your time. Its such an honor to be in the presence of such great talent like you.
Ernie: Thank you. Its always nice to meet new fans.
Bert: Yeah, yeah. Get on with it.
SM: How have you two been able to keep up such a dynamic on screen chemistry for over 30 years?
B: It helps that we can't remember most of the 70's & 80's thanks to drugs and booze.
E: Oh yeah, we were high all the time. I thought for the longest time that the damn rubber ducky was actually talking to me. I got so drunk before one episode that I forgot my lines and just made up a song.
SM: The famous "Rubber Ducky" song was just made up?
E: Yeah, I couldn't believe they used that in the episode. Hell, I can't believe they used a lot of the stuff we did in that show.
B: We also found it hilarious when we found out that the song was on the top 40 charts. Granted we were baked out our mind at the time and we laughed at everything, but it was still pretty funny.
SM: Ernie, over the years it seemed like you like to torment Bert while he was trying to sleep, Why?
E: Hmm, it could have possibly been all the LSD I was on back in the day. Man, I would bounce off the walls after a few hits of that stuff. Plus it was alwas fun to mess with Bert while he was drunk. He'd get so pissed.
B: You little shit! I wondered who was stealing my LSD. I always suspected that red bastard Elmo. He was always a little too peppy.
E: That guy is a lot worse than we ever were. Always asking kids to tickle him. Hes 42 years old for God Sakes!
SM: Speaking of that. There have been a lot of people out there who question the type of relationship you two have. What do you have to say to them?
B: First off, we're on a goddamn children's television show. Do you honestly think that they would have openly gay characters on that show? Especially on a network closely watched by the government. C'mon! Pull your head out of your ass America.
E: That notion always sets Bert off. The truth is that we are actors playing roles, and if the characters come off as a little bit queer then its the writer's fault not ours. We're just doing what we get paid to do.
SM: So you're not gay?
E:(laughing) Not even close! Off the set we're a couple of ladie's men or at least we used to be. Bert is married with a kid and I like to indulge myself with a hooker or two now and then. You know, just to take the edge off.
SM: Do you think this kind of behavior could potentially hurt your careers? I mean you guys are suppose to be examples for children.
B: Who the hell cares!! We've been on TV for 36 years. We're too rich to care what happens to other people's kids. Plus if there parents spent any time with them there wouldn't be so much pressure on us to keep them entertained.
E: Yeah, plus almost all kids these days have some sort of ADD. So now were jus wasting our time on those little shits.
SM: Ok, back to the show. Another favorite moment of mine is when you went fishing.
E: Oh yeah, thats a pretty funny stoy as well. When we first saw the script for that day and saw we were going fishing and Bert said you can't go fishing without getting high first. So we did.
B: (laughing) Big Mistake
E: (laughing) and everytime I would go 'here fishy fishy fishy' Bert would bust out laughing and we'd have to start the scene over again. It took us a day and a half to get it right.
SM: It sounds like you two have had a lot of fun during your spectacular careers. Is there any advice you have for aspiring children's entertainers or just children in general?
E: Yeah, Don't do drugs.
B&E: (Laughter)
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posted by Chad Chamley at 5:24 PM
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