Ranting & Raving

You may not be able to tell if you met me but certain things piss me off. I try to keep them to myself, but the longer I keep them in the more of my soul they destroy. So I'm going to use this medium as a means to release what I believe is all that is wrong with the world today. I appologize in advance to all the lovely lovely females out there because you seem to have taken over my shit list. Not to worry though there are numorous other things that are rubbing me the wrong way as oppose to the females not rubbing me at all.

Lance Armstrong
Now, you're probably thinking "how can you be mad a Lance you heartless prick, he overcame cancer to win a bunch of bike races". Well put away your weapons and stop writing me hate mail and I'll tell you. There is an arguement that says that Armstrong is the greatest Athlete EVER!. To which I reply with a hearty "bullshit", "shenanagans" even. Be reasonable people, all the man did was ride a bike. All that requires is endurance. There is almost no strategy involved. Hell, more is asked of porn stars than bike riders, yet no one is wearing yellow braclets supporting them. All I'm saying is that Armstrong rode a bike for long periods of time. I realize he was better than anyone else, but so was Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky, and they had to worry about more than just falling down or how to satisfy Sheryl Crow with only one testicle.

Girls*
I'm going to break this down into sub categories for easy reference.
-Fashion
A lot of the ladies today look rediculous and I'm not the only one who thinks so. There are plenty of guys I know, who wish to remain annonymous, that agree with me when I say: stop folding up regular pants in to capri pants. Capri pants look stupid on thier own now you're taking pants that weren't intended to be folded up and turning them into the atrocities that we see today. Go out and buy some damn capri pants or if at all possible avoid them. No guy in their right mind likes them. If they say they do its because they want them off of you.

You are now wearing those huge sunglasses that used to be reserved only for flamboyantly gay musicians. You look like goddam clowns when you wear these things. They serve no practical purpose other than keeping the sun out of your eyes and hiding your face. You can keep the sun out with regular glasses and if you need to hide your hideous face that bad stay home.

We'll stay on the topic of non-practical fashion items and explore handbags or purses or what guys like to call "complete wastes of money". Why in the name of all that is holy do you need a $300 bag for? You can get one the same size with all the fancy compartments at Wal-Mart or GoodWill for under $30. Hell, you could get the same use out of a grocery bag. The only reason I can think of is that you want to show the rest of the bitches out there that you are in fact the queen of the self centered and vain. Men all across the country are going broke because thier lady wants a to be able to show off to the world that she's spoiled. Guys don't give a shit if you have a Louis Vutton or Coach bag. If they say anything about it they're gay, because a strait guy could tell tell the difference between those and the knockoffs at K-Mart.

Drama
If I got mad everytime someone said something negative about me I would never be able to leave the house. But I know better, I know that people (including myself) are generally idiots and will say things they shouldn't. However, this doesn't doesn't give you the right claw another girl's eyes out. Although that would be entertaining it would cause more harm than good. Also, stop starting shit with guys and then ask your boy/guy friend to come to your rescue. We would really rather not get our ass kicked because you failed to keep mouth shut and mind your own business.

Rational Thought
I'm not asking for much here, just that you take some time to think things through before you make your set-in-stone-nonflexible-no-matter-what decision. Its bad enough that you don't use this when you're shopping, but now your inability to be rational is starting to effect me. I beg you please, please listen to other options. It will also provide you with a much needed reason to be quiet for a few moments.

NHL
I wish this atrocity of a league would go away for good or at least move to Canada where they would at least enjoy it. No one was watching it before and no one will watch it now. So please NHL go away and take the Real World/Road Rules challenge with you.

Stephen A. Smith
Quite Frankly, I think this guy is an overexposed sensationalist who has no right to be on television. I mean if your going to give this asshole a show you might as well give Jay Mariotti and Skip Bayless their own shows too. Why not go all out ESPN an make sure every sports fan in America contemplates suicide and fire Hall of Famer, Peter Gammons. You know since you're trying to fill your program schedule with writers that can't hold a coherant thought.

The Princes of Malibu
I just want to clarify to everyone that this is not a reality show. Just look at the credits. It was created by the two sons and they are producers. They know everything that is going to happen on the show because THEY ARE THE PRODUCERS! If I could convince you to do one thing with this website it would be to get you to stop watching this show.

Link of the Week
Dumb Videos and Links

*It is not the intent of the author to single anyone out with this rant. If you think he did then maybe you should rethink your lifestyle. Feel free to disagree with anything he said in the comment section. Again, it was not the author's intent to single any one person out.

Dear Fox Sports,

Hi! You don't know me, but I've been watching for you some time. Actually, we spent a lot of time together this weekend—you see, I used to love the All-Star Game, and I still watch it over some misguided combination of nostalgia and obligation. Anyway, I can't remember precisely the point that watching the Midsummer Classic began to feel like watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but if I had to bet, it would be somewhere around the time you started broadcasting it.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean, here. It's important to remember that we all have things we're good at and things we're not so good at. I, for instance, make a great apple pie drink but can't hold a tune. So if I'm going to invite millions of Americans over to my house, I am much more likely to make some pie than to start covering Guns n Roses. It just seems more polite. You're very good at many things as well. You have really amazing robot animation and laser sound effects; I don't want to take anything away from the lasers. But, the thing is, you totally suck ass at broadcasting baseball.

But really, is this such shocking news? You had to know it, deep in your hearts, right? See, I think if you have to spend a lot time thinking about how you're going to keep people entertained during a baseball game, then you're probably not the best entity to broadcast the game.

I mean, do you remember the pregame? Your broadcasters got to interview one of the greatest baseball announcers of all time. They got to talk to the great Ernie Harwell! And you know what happened? He talked for a bit and a knocked up Jeannie Zelasko cut him off. That bitch cut him off! It was sort of like when I cut off a Slash's guitar solo during "November Rain" to play "When the Saints Go Marching In" on my armpit.

And you know why she cut him off? So they could show some douschebag from Texas participating in the Taco Bell Throw The Ball At The God Damn Target. Jeannie Zelasko cut off Ernie Harwell to sell freakin' chalupas. I mean we all know you sold your collective soul to get the rights to this game, the world series, and the Super Bowl but don't make it that obvious. That wouldn't be all the fast food hawked by Fox announcers, though—Joe Buck did a Burger King promo then announced that the whole Detroit crowd was "having it their way." This is a time he could have been talking about....oh I don't know... baseball!?!

In fact, I recall the only time the announcers seemed at all interested in talking about baseball was when they were interviewing the managers as the game was going on. I know that's old news now, but if we need to hear that Terry Francoma is having a great time, couldn't we do it before the inning actually starts? Or,I know, how about after the damn game?

Anyway, what's important here is that you gave it the old college try. You've been monopolizing the sport for years now, robbing it of any sort of—oh—heritage, poetry, class, ect. I think it's time to focus your energy on something else. Something a little more flashy. Something worthy of lazer sound effects and over the top robot animation. Football, say. Or NASCAR. Or Battlebots. I'll even make you some pie.

Sincerely,

Sublime Mediocrity

P.S. If Tim McCarver covers another post season I will call in a bomb threat to your corporate headcourters for each game he broadcasts.

Link of the Week
My new favorite rapper

50 Greatest TV Characters

Since I have watched a ton of TV over the last decade and a half I think who better than to bring you this list. This list is not set in stone or the gospel by any means. I'm not TV Guide or Entertainment Weekly, so this list can and most likely will be debated. Like every list there are some criteria that i followed when coming up with this list. Here they are: 1) The show had to be on the air from 1988 to now. That is when I first remember watching TV. 2) A maximum of two characters per show. 3) I have had to have seen the show more than once. So no 90210, Melrose Place, OC, ect. 4) Credit is given if the character had an impact on pop culture. 5) They have to be real characters. So no reality shows or skit shows or talk shows. And most importantly they had to have entertained me. With out further ado.

50. Murphy Brown (Murphy Brown)
This was a tough choice to put on the list for a couple of reasons. One, did I want people knowing that I watched Murphy Brown and two does she really deserve this spot. Believe it or not but this was a good show. There was a reason it stayed on for 10 years. The only likeable character on this show in my opinion was Murphy herself eventhough I didn't really like Candice Bergan.

49. Michelle Tanner (Full House)
If you never said "You got it dude" or "you're in big trouble mister" back in the day then there is something wrong with you. Michelle was the most quotable character from this show and the sole reason a lot of people watched. If it wasn't for the horrible mullets Joey or Jesse may have made the list. Also theres the fact that the Olson twins are the only actors from this show who still have careers. Who cares if it involved an online clock counting down to their 18th birthday.

48. Big Bird (Sesame Street)
Probably the show that took up most of my childhood was this show. I even had a Big Bird "blankie". Everyone my age has watched this show at somepoint, and everyone has been entertained. Big Bird is on this list because he somehow has manged to entertain us as well as teach us. Something I wish more professors knew something about.

47. Dick Solomon (Third Rock from the Sun)
I still can't believe that John Lithgow pulled this character off after playing some of the meanest people in the movies. Although Kristen Johnston pulled in most of the hardware for this show Dick was the backbone. He was the one that always made me laugh out loud. Whether he was lusting after Dr Albright or failing to figure out the human race he was always on top of his game. After all, he was the High Commander.

46. Adrian Monk (Monk)
For those of you who haven't seen the show, this show stars Tony Shaloub as Monk. He is an obsessive compulsive dectective who always manages to figure out the crime. Not only is Monk dramatic but funny as well. He won an emmy for this role after one season and as you will find out I'm a sucker for crime dramas.

45. Sophia "Ma" Spirelli (Golden Girls)
I never thought an old woman could make me laugh so much. Especially on a show featuring four of them. Ma still managed to get the biggest laughs out of me and make me appreciate old people a little bit more all at the same time. Not an easy feat which is why she has earned a spot on my list.

44. John "J.D." Dorian (Scrubs)
If I was writing this entry five years from now I'm sure JD would be much higher. The reason I find JD so amusing is that he captures the wide eyed "newbie" so well in this show. It doesn't matter that he is being tormented by the janitor or his superiors hes just happy to be there. I'm sure he's just as happy to make my list.

43. Lenny Briscoe (Law & Order)
Of course Mr. Law & Order was going to make this list. This show has been on forever and for good reason. Even though he is getting up there in age he still would scare the crap out of me if I were to see him coming at me. I don't watch this show on a regular basis but when I do I always seem to leave with a greater respect towards detectives. Yet I still don't like cops. Wierd.

42. Jim Dangle (Reno 911)
Lets face this guy is hilarious. The perfect cop parady. The short shorts, bike, bad moustashe, everything is there. This is another character that would be higher if I was writing this 5 years from now. He embodies everything we wish cops were. And this show is better than COPS. I will not argue this.

41. Jarod (The Pretender)
What's not to like about this guy? He can be anything he wants. Hes good looking (or so I'm told). Hes a genius. He is constantly being chased by a hot woman. What more could you want in a character. Probably would have been ranked higher if he would have been played by a better actor. Then again I would probably be ranked higher if i was played by a better human being.

40. Lowell Mather (Wings)
You could make a case for the Hacketts or Tony Shaloub's character but this is the one who stood out to me. He stole every scene he was in and the show was never really the same when he left. When he did leave I thought he was doing a spin off show. But that ended up being Ned & Stacy.

39. Mimi Bobeck (The Drew Carey Show)
Good thing I don't put any emphisis on looks in this list because she would freak me out if I saw her in real life. The reason Mimi is on the list is because she was so fun to dislike. Its not often you see a crazy looking clown women who loves trolls and Antonio Banderas on network television. She probably would have ranked higher if she wasn't so one dementional.

38. Micheal Bleuth (Arrested Development)
Currently the star of the best show on televison right now. He is constantly making me laugh out loud. What I like about him is that he seems to be the only normal one in a family full of lunatics but he's just as crazy as them. He would be way higher if I was writing this 5 years from now. Plus this character resurrected the career of the star of Teen Wolf Too. Thats saying something.

37. Nostradamus "Bull" Shannon (Night Court)
Other than Dan this is the only character from this show worth mentioning. Bull had some of the most memorable moments of the show and some good quotes too. He also always comes to mind when i hear the song "Wooly Bully". I also find it amusing that the deciding reason the actor got this part was because he was bald.

36. Doug Heffernan (King of Queens)
The reigning heavyweight on this list. I like this character because he's a married guy who likes to play video games, watch and play sports, and drink. Most importantly he gives chubby guys like me hope because he has a hot wife who seems to like to put out, and let him play video games.

35. Frank Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)
I like this character because he reminds me of grandpa. Except my grandpa say worse things than "holy crap". He also seems to be enjoying life at his old age and you have to like that. He also has a wife who will cook for him whenever he wants also something that you have to like. The main reason he's on this list is because he just seems real.

34. Will Smith (Fresh Prince of Belair)
I didn't know weather or not to put him on the list because this is his real name but I realized that this is just a character. It was such a good character that it turned a mediocre rapper into a movie star. The only reason he isn't higher is because he opened the doors for LL Cool J, Ice T, and Queen Latifah. People who should have just stayed behind the mic.

33. Alex P. Keaton (Family Ties)
Everybody's favorite republican, well maybe no liberals, but anyway how can you not like this guy. If it wasn't for him we would never have had Marty McFly or Doc Hollywood. Alex carried a show that I didn't think was good in the first place. He probably would be higher if the show was good. He still managed to entertain me dispite that.

32. Lt. Commander Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Yes I know I'm nerd. That doesn't mean Data wasn't a good character. Any show that featured his was always better than average. I always like think what it would be like to have an android at me disposal. Of course I would not use it for good. And ladies, hes a "fully functional android" if you know what I mean.

31. Mitch Buchannon (Baywatch)
Of course I had to put the main character from the world number one show of all time on here. You could make a case for CJ or Yasmine's character but they were just T&A. Mitch was the man, hairy chest and all. You could always count on him. He would be ranked higher but he doesn't look that good running in slow motion.

30. Bill McNeal (News Radio)
This is the only character from this show that was a character. Joe Rogan pretty much played himself. Andy Dick was playing a version of Andy Dick. Dave Foley was Dave Foley. Phil Hartman played the egotistical McNeal so well that he was arugably Hartman's best character ever. Even better than the Unfrozen Caveman Lawer or Troy McClure.

29. Karen Walker (Will & Grace)
I really don't know why I find Karen so amusing. I don't know if its her constant drinking or pill popping. It could be that she's rich and lazy. However you look at her you can't deny that this should would not survive without her. Just think, If she wasn't in the show more air time would be given to Jack. Scary.

28. Douglas Howser (Doogie Howser, M.D.)
Better known as 'Doogie' this character is everything we wanted to be, or at least what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a child prodigy who had a girlfriend and got invited to parties. The sad part about all this is that i was naive enough to believe that I could be as smart as Doogie. I think I proved how that turned out with that last sentence.

27. Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)
Here is another character that I thought twice about putting in here because I wasn't sure I wanted people knowing that I watched this show. Its bad enough that I watched it, but what's worse is that there were no females present when I did. Anyway, this is a great character. She holds the whole show together. She also managed to save Sarah Jessica Parker's career. Something I didn't think possible after 'Mars Attacks'.

26. Fox Mulder (The X Files)
Other than the fact that his name is 'Fox and he happens to be on the FOX network this was an entertaining character. Fox is also another case where the show went downhill fast after he left. T1000 could not fill his shoes, although I doubt anyone could have. If you get the T1000 reference I'll give you a cookie.

25. Hayden Fox (Coach)
Before I begin I want to tell you that it wasn't my intention to put two characters with Fox in their name back to back. Hayden deserves to be in this spot. Anyone who has ever had a coach can relate to him. Although I think he could have done better in the wife department. It also doesn't hurt that he was the coach of the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles and brought them to a National Championship. Thats as close as we're gonna get folks.

24. Doug Ross (ER)
The dreamy doctor himself has made an apperance on my list and rightly so. He was by far and away the character that stood out most in this show. ER was never the same when he left. Hell, I even stopped watching it after he left and I wasn't even attracted to him. Honestly, I wasn't. Just think if he wasn't on the show Gilbert from 'Revenge of the Nerds' could have been playing Danny Ocean.

23. Dennis Finch (Just Shoot Me)
I don't understand how someone can be a smart ass, prankster, and marry a model all while collecting porcelain kitties. Somehow David Spade pulls it off and pulls it off well. I can honestly say that Dennis is the only reason I watch this show. I didn't think Spade could do anything on his own without the help of Chris Farley (see Lost & Found) but this character proved me wrong.

22. Zack Morris (Saved by the Bell)
At one point or another Zack made every girl I know tingle in their special place. Not only that but I know a lot of people that tried to be him in high school. I can still sing the theme song to Saved by the Bell at the drop of a hat and I'm sure many of you can too. Some of you may think that he should be higher. He would be....if he was the best character from that show.

21. Roseanne Conner (Roseanne)
My mom loved this show and so did I. This show, to me, was the first show that actually featured a real family. They didn't have a lot of money. The kids were a pain in the ass. The family didn't consist of beautiful people. All of this centered around Roseanne, who always seemed to be a step ahead of everyone. Except when she sings the National Anthem

20. Andy Sipowicz (NYPD Blue)
Anytime you can have a body like Sipowicz and get away with showing your ass you must be special. He's the only one who has stayed with the show and the only one who has made it good. He has had so many partners that he is a borderline whore.

19. George Castanza (Seinfeld)
George has always been one of my favorite characters. Without him this show would not have considered the greatest of all time. Everyone can remember him claiming to be Art Vandelay the Archetect or Sleeping under his desk. I think the fact that he was always so high strung made him so funny and entertaining.

18. Gil Grissom (CSI:)
The thing I like about Grissom is that he is the only character with a badge that doesn't carry a gun in all of the cop shows. The man seems to know everything and can be somewhat funny. He is why the original CSI is still better than all the rest, and most likely the reason that its the number one show on TV right now. Topping all the crappy reality shows.

17. Thomas Magnum III (Magnum P.I.)
Hawaii's favorite private investigator has made the list. This show bearly qualifies because it last aired in 1988. The series finally is first show I remember watching. Anyway, Magnum was a great character and the reason Harrison Ford got the role of Indiana Jones. There was nothing that you didn't like about him. Women still find him sexy today dispite the really short shorts and the huge moustache.

16. Sam Malone (Cheers)
You could make a case for a lot of people on this show, but I could make a better one for Sam. He was a likeable womanizer and gambler who was overly competitive. He would have probably ranked higher if this show was less of an ensamble and more dependant on him.

15. Raymond Barone (Everybody Loves Raymond)
Ray is entertaining because he is always saying the wrong things yet never really seems to get into trouble. The show is always better when it is focused on him. You have to like someone who can have so much yet not have a clue. There's a reason this show won the Emmy for best comedy.

13. Chandler Bing (Friends)
Could this guy BE any funnier? Sometimes known as 'Ms. Chinandeler Bong'. I loved the sarcasm that Chandler, whos middle name is Muriel, used it always got a laugh out of me. I do think his character suffered a little when he got married, but that happens to every guy when they get married so I didn't use it against him. One of the most memorable scenes from the show is when he told Ross that he pictures his mom durning sex.

12. Angus MacGyver (MacGyver)
The guy do anything with nothing. I didn't know there were so many uses for a paper clip. He is a pop culture icon. I don't know if you do it but whenever someone displays any kind unique ingenuity I say 'Good work MacGyver'. MacGyver was also from Minnesota and rocked the mullet. So as you might have guessed he liked hockey. MacGyver is one my heroes.

11. Eric Cartman (South Park)
The funniest of the foul mouthed fouth graders. Its funny how you can tolarate ingnorance and racism when its coming from the mouth of a little animated kid. Some of my favorite moments are when he had a huge satellite coming out of his ass and when he dressed up like Hiler for holloween. Also, he's not fat, he's big boned.

10. Elaine Benes (Seinfeld)
The greatest show ever would have never been if it wasn't for this character. Elaine is arguably the best female character of all time, which why she is so high on my list. It would have been a mediocre show if it were just Jerry and Kramer. Elaine made a good show great and anytime you have someone like that you have to have them in the top ten.

9. Cliff Huxtable (The Cosby Show)
Cliff was everything we expected from a TV father and husband. He was always entertaining in every episode which is something you can't say about a lot of characters. I'm almost certain that half the stuff he said was made up on the spot, and if thats the case then he deserves this spot. No question about it.

8. Peter Griffin (Family Guy)
Peter and family are back on the air and better than ever. I can't believe they cancelled him in the first place. Anyway, here is another character whos ignorance made him hilarious. Its also interesting that Peter is a piano prodigy......only when he's wasted.

7. Samuel "Screech" Powers (Saved by the Bell)
There is no way this show would have done nearly as good as it did without Screech. Screech was always getting the biggest laughs. Hell he even made the college years bearable something that shouldn't have been possible. Also people tend to forget that Screech had a severe case of 'Jungle Fever' if you know what I mean.

6. Tony Soprano (The Sopranos)
Tony is the one and only reason I get uncomfortable when I'm around a group of Italians. What made this character so good is that he had real problems, not just where to hide the bodies. This show inspired a spin off movie (Analyze This). Anyway, this character was so good that he once inspired me to sit down and watch 6 straight hours of season one of The Sopranos on DVD.

5. Steve Urkel (Famliy Matters)
When this show was on TGIF everyone was doing Urkel impressions. We didn't care that he was in love with a below average girl or had an unhealthy fetish for cheese. Urkel is rated so high because of his impact on pop culture. Its true. I know I'm not the only one who did the Urkel laugh snort back in the day. When one character can ruin a promising young actor's career you have to put him in the top 5.

4. Al Bundy (Married with Children)
Here's someone who made misery entertaining. Nobody had it worse than Al on TV, and thats why we liked him. He had a ton of great one liners on the show, enough for a poster. His wisdom is unmatched by any other character in any other show. Where else could you learn that you don't need blood to keep your brain functioning, all you have to do is keep it wet.

3. Joey Tribbiani (Friends)
Everybody loved Joey's dumb but not so dumb persona. This show would have never gone anywhere if it wasn't for him and Chandler. Those two could have had a great show just starring them. Joey is so likeable that he got his own spinoff and got a nomination for it. I've said 'how you doin' way too many times. Whenever I think of Joey the first theing that comes to my mind is when he is is wearing ALL of Chandler's clothes......commando style.

2. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)
This guy has been making me laugh for almost 10 years. He has almost been everywhere (including space) and done everything. You have to like the fact that dispite being on for so long, Homer is still on top of his game. There would be no show without Homer. Primetime cartoons would not exist if it wasn't for the success of this character. I still hear people saying D'oh whenever they do something wrong.

1. Norm Peterson (Cheers)
Anytime you can walk into a bar and have everyone yell your name and be happy to see you there's something special about you. Norm was everything you could want in a character and a life. He had enough financial independence to go to the bar whenever he wanted. Everyone liked him. He has some of the best quotes of all time. The show became a lot better when they started to feature him in some episodes. Everyone remembers the Beer Taster one. That episode is a classic and so is Norm. There will never be anyone as likable as him.