Dear Fox Sports,

Hi! You don't know me, but I've been watching for you some time. Actually, we spent a lot of time together this weekend—you see, I used to love the All-Star Game, and I still watch it over some misguided combination of nostalgia and obligation. Anyway, I can't remember precisely the point that watching the Midsummer Classic began to feel like watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but if I had to bet, it would be somewhere around the time you started broadcasting it.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean, here. It's important to remember that we all have things we're good at and things we're not so good at. I, for instance, make a great apple pie drink but can't hold a tune. So if I'm going to invite millions of Americans over to my house, I am much more likely to make some pie than to start covering Guns n Roses. It just seems more polite. You're very good at many things as well. You have really amazing robot animation and laser sound effects; I don't want to take anything away from the lasers. But, the thing is, you totally suck ass at broadcasting baseball.

But really, is this such shocking news? You had to know it, deep in your hearts, right? See, I think if you have to spend a lot time thinking about how you're going to keep people entertained during a baseball game, then you're probably not the best entity to broadcast the game.

I mean, do you remember the pregame? Your broadcasters got to interview one of the greatest baseball announcers of all time. They got to talk to the great Ernie Harwell! And you know what happened? He talked for a bit and a knocked up Jeannie Zelasko cut him off. That bitch cut him off! It was sort of like when I cut off a Slash's guitar solo during "November Rain" to play "When the Saints Go Marching In" on my armpit.

And you know why she cut him off? So they could show some douschebag from Texas participating in the Taco Bell Throw The Ball At The God Damn Target. Jeannie Zelasko cut off Ernie Harwell to sell freakin' chalupas. I mean we all know you sold your collective soul to get the rights to this game, the world series, and the Super Bowl but don't make it that obvious. That wouldn't be all the fast food hawked by Fox announcers, though—Joe Buck did a Burger King promo then announced that the whole Detroit crowd was "having it their way." This is a time he could have been talking about....oh I don't know... baseball!?!

In fact, I recall the only time the announcers seemed at all interested in talking about baseball was when they were interviewing the managers as the game was going on. I know that's old news now, but if we need to hear that Terry Francoma is having a great time, couldn't we do it before the inning actually starts? Or,I know, how about after the damn game?

Anyway, what's important here is that you gave it the old college try. You've been monopolizing the sport for years now, robbing it of any sort of—oh—heritage, poetry, class, ect. I think it's time to focus your energy on something else. Something a little more flashy. Something worthy of lazer sound effects and over the top robot animation. Football, say. Or NASCAR. Or Battlebots. I'll even make you some pie.

Sincerely,

Sublime Mediocrity

P.S. If Tim McCarver covers another post season I will call in a bomb threat to your corporate headcourters for each game he broadcasts.

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