University of Minnesota Douchebag Population on the Rise

By Chad Chamley
Minneapolis,MN--The University of Minnesota started a new semester this month and all seemed to be going well. That is until university officials released a report stating that the University's douchebag population is at an all time high. A trend that they hoped they could have avoided. Students and university officials are all well aware of the situation

"We saw this coming and couldn't do anything about it" said University Relations Vice President Linda Thrane, "we've been receiving less interest from non douchebags resulting in us having to admit more and more douchebags." Thrane also believes that the increase may be due to the fact that high schools are putting out douchebags and a record rate. "Today's (high) schools seemed to be full of them (douchebags) making it a problem for schools everywhere"

Douchebags are especially hard to deal with because they don't actually know that they are, in fact, douchebags. "Douchebags are a unique group of people. They can interact with eachother with an almost caveman like level of intelligence," Psychology Professor Dr. Joyce Bono said, " and when you call them douchebags they become insulted and resort to primitive threats like yelling and pushing"

The group that is probably having the hardest time adapting to the increase is the non douchebag students. Some of which have gone as far as cutting all communication with douchebags. "When I was a freshman there was one douchebag for every 25 students and now its more like one for every seven or eight," said Senior Brad Andersen, " A group of them came to a party I was at already drunk and started hitting on all the girls there. They've even taken over a few bars on campus. I hate them."

One of the bars that they seemed to have taken over is Blarney Pub & Grill in Dinkytown. Douchebags will flock to this bar in record numbers every Thursday night. "They're called douchebags for a reason," said one employee who wished to remain anonymous, "they don't care that we overprice everything or make their drinks weak so they keep buying more. They're just content on getting ridiculously drunk and wondering around aimlessly annoying every non douchebag they can."

Douchebags are easy to identify because of their arrogance, over use of body spray or cheap cologne, and excessive hair product use. University officials are urging students to just try and ignore douchebags for the time being while they try to figure out a way to rid the campus of them.

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Making A Good First Impression

Campus Magazine asked me to write an article for their back to school issue. They told me that the submission had to be appropriate and tasteful. When you look at my previous posts appropriate and taseful just don't come to mind. Anyway, here was my attempt:

The first day of classes is a very important event in every college student's life. A lot won't admit it but there is a certain level of excitement that builds up in all of us. We enter the semester with more ambition then ever, promising ourselves that we will try harder this semester, ultimately breaking that promise (sometimes within the week). Nervous freshman will get their first taste of college. It doesn't matter what year you'll be entering making a good first impression is the key to starting off your semester right. So I've come up with a few key points to ensure a successful first impression.

Shower

This isn't as obvious as it sounds. There are always a few people in every class that seem like they've delcared war on personal hygene and you avoid them from then on out without giving them a second chance. It can ruin your semester and your nasal cavity if you have to partner with them on a project. To ensure that you're not mistaken for the sasquatch give yourself enough time in the morning to shower. An extra half hour should give you enough time to lather, rinse, and repeat enough time to get the stale beer smell off you. You should also have enough time to brush and floss your teeth well enough that you don't knock out the kid next to you when you introduce yourself. Also, remember to go easy on the colonge/perfume. People will assume you're trying hide some horrific odor.

Know Where You're Going

Nothing made me feel worse as a man than the time I had to stop and ask for directions to my classroom building. Especially since my response to, " You must be a freshman, huh?" was "no, sophomore". I learned that day that people don't think less of you when you know where you're going, or at least look like you do. Print out a map of your campus the night before and circle your classroom buildings helps. If you're lost pull it out in a discrete area and point yourself in the right direction. It is also helpful to know which room number your class is in. There's always one or two idiots who walk in unpack their stuff, look at the chalk board, and realize they're in the wrong room. These people quickly turn into ninjas and attempt a stealthy escape leaving as few witnesses possible.

Get Some Sleep

As much fun as sleeping in class is, its not somthing you want to do on the first day of class. Professors see this as a sign of disrespect to them and the field they spent 8 years studying and will make your semester with them hell by picking on you as often as they can. Leading everyone to believe that you are the lazy idiot that you didn't want them to find out about. This could ruin any chance you had with the cute boy/girl in the class, and you'll have rely on drunken encounters with people way below your standards to get your kicks. Another reason to stay awake the first day is the important information you're getting. I'm serious. Take the time to look through the syllabus to find which days you can afford to miss, if/when the group project is due so you can avoid the afformentioned smelly kid and go after the overacheivers as potential partners, and everyone will most likely introduce themselves which will save you from the inevitable awkwardness that would take place if you were to meet them at a party or in the dorms.

Don't Arrive Too Early

For some reason college students like to sit in the same area of the classroom, so you'll want to give as many of your classmates a chance to find a seat before you so you can scope out the attractive members of the opposite sex and the smart kids and you can seat yourself near one of these groups depending on your intentions. Delaying your arrival will also help to ensure that you don't sit next to sketchy looking kids or the 52 year old freshman who is just waiting to show someone pictures of their new grandchild who kind of looks like the antichrist, but thats a whole other topic. Another reason not to arrive to early is because people notice people who walk through that door. By delaying your arrival all eyes will be on you for a few short moments. Just enough time to show off your new fall wardrobe that you and mom picked especially for this day. You almost feel like a fashion model in your department store clothes and two dollar flip-flops.

No matter who you are or where you're going to school first impression are important. It could mean the difference between Friday nights on the town or Friday nights in the chat room. People tend to judge quickly, especially in college. Make your first impression count, because as my mom used to say, you never get a second chance at a first impression