4th of July Safety Tips

Every year I read about some stupid Southerner who blew their hand off lighting fireworks and every year I think that these incidents can be avoided if only a little common sense was practiced. So In an effort to limit these accidents and keep America safe I am going to offer my services in the form of safety education.

Roman Candles
These things can be dangerous if not used properly. You could hit someone in the eye causing them to go blind thus losing the ablity dodge the rest of the fireballs that your twisted ass keeps shooting at them. All you have to do to avoid this is make sure they're not facing you or at the very least wearing protective eyewear. Remember burns heal, blindness doesn't.

Bon Fires
This can be a great time to share stories or just spend time with the family watching the fireworks. Which is always a great time, especially since you're wasted. Once wasted you're probably going to see how close you can get to the fire, hell you might even try to jump over it. Its a holiday why not? But be careful, fire is hot. Make sure to get a good running start before you try to jump over. It will give you a better chance at clearing the mighty flame and becoming an Independence Day legend.

On The Lake
You can't have a 4th without sitting out on the lake. Well you can but thats like having Christmas without snow. Anyway the lake possesses many perils. One of the most common is drowning. Nobody likes to drown and I'm sure you're no different. Many people will tell you to wear those uncomfortable life jackets. Well thats up to you I think an easier way to keep from drowning is learn how to swim. It has worked for me and many others so far and i'm sure it will work for you too.

Fireworks in General
The right to shoot fireworks twice a year was why we faught the Revolutionary War, and I'll be damned if I don't use this right and shoot off as many fireworks as possible. Like war fireworks can leave a mark if not done properly. To ensure that you're not injured ask your extremely drunk buddy to do the honors of lighting the fuses. That way it will be him or her risking injury and not yourself allowing you to enjoy your freedom at a safe distance.

Have a great holiday weekend.

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For Those of You Who Love and Hate Horses

Random Thoughts

* Is it wrong to accuse a 250+lb, aesthetically challenged girl wearing a shirt that says 'hottie' on it of false advertising? If so, I don't want to be right.

* If you hate Ann Coulter as much as I do (and I'm republican) then you should probably read this. (Caution: It contains potty language)

* In my heart of hearts, I still believe that Captain Planet will take pollution down to zero.

* If someone told you that the new 'Longest Yard' was good it means one of two things: 1) They never saw the original, or 2) They are a complete idiot and you should have kicked them in the groin or chest depending the gender.

* Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, "Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, current bank account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends."

* I'm tired of sports commentators calling athletes 'couragous' for playing injured. The men and women in Iraq are couragous, or that time I took a final exam wasted was couragous.

* Does anyone else find it kind of rude that deaf people don't look at you when they're talking to you or you're talking to them. They just look at their interpreter. I hate that. Then again, this is coming from the guy who used to give blind people the finger for fun. So I guess we're even.

* I wonder if Van Gogh or Rembrandt would have been mad that one of the Ninja Turtles wasn't named after them.

* Isn't it satisfying when you're piecing together last night and you suddenly remember where that bruise on your arm/leg came from? It puts an extra pep in my step when it happens to me.

* Next time you start humming or whistling the song Hi Ho its off to Work We Go from 'Snow White' Think of it like this: Its the last thing they say to Snow White before they leave. (say it don't sing it out loud)

* I still think the movie character with the greatest name is Jesus Shuttlesworth.

* Is it just me or is Lindsey Lohan one leaked sex tape away from actually becoming Paris Hilton?

* NBA Finals pick: Spurs in 6. MVP: Manu Ginobili

* My NBA all caucasian team 2005
G - Steve Nash
G - Manu Ginobili
F - Dirk Nowitzki
F - Peja Stojakovic
C - Jeff Foster

Bench: M. Miller, B. Miller, K. Hinrich, F. Hoiberg, A. Kirilenko, L. Ridnour, D. Milicic

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