Chad's Debauchery Diary

During the weekend of April 15-17 I attended my first ever Alpha Kappa Psi Formal. This formal took place at Sugar Lake Lodge near Grand Rapids, Minnesota. Here is what transpired.

DAY 1
We left Minneapolis at about 5pm, which was right in the middle of rush hour, so needless to say we were excited. The other passengers in the car included: Gomps, Kish, Max, and the luckiest girl at formal my date, Becky (or Becky Upton-no good). I am sitting shotgun playing the role of Navigator for Captain Max while Gomps, Kish, and Becky fall in and out of sleep in the back. Gomps provided us with a wide variety of music, which involuntarily brought out a secret that I wasn't ready to share with the world but now I have no choice. I'm a Backstreet Boys fan. There I said it, lets move on.

We make our first stop at what I believe to be the only five star McDonalds that exists and its in Champlin. This place was extremely clean and had a 42in plasma screen playing Finding Nemo. The food was so-so. The car ride was pretty uneventful until a no holds barred thumb wrestling tournament broke out in the back between Captain Max, Gomps, and Kish. Captain Max and mammoth thumbs took the title.

At about 9pm we arrive to our destination. Upon arriving a horrible scream comes from the back seat followed by a sentence you never want to hear a girl say if you're a guy. "Well, if you put it in my mouth then I'm going to bite it." I then made it a point not to passout anywhere near Gomps for the weekend. In my cabin was Becky, Gomps, and Kish We then unpack and get ready to head over to the "Hospitality Cabin"

As expected the drukeness had started without me and in the lead was not a member but an alum. Which should indicate how the night was going to turn out. I was surprised to how well everything was planned because the other formals I've been to were planned the week before. I immediately head out to the keg to find that the kegstands have also started and I haven't had a beer since lunch. I thought about doing one until Gomps put up a time that would only embarass me. I came sprinting out of the gates finishing my beer in near record time or average time for everyone else. If the first one was any indication, tonight will get sloppy and it did.

I had only been there for 2 and a half beers (45 mins for those who don't know my drinking pattern) before I had found myself in a game of 'grabass'. Now I have plenty of grabass experience so I figured I would fare pretty well. I didn't. My ass got grabbed so many times that I felt like the fresh fish in a maximum security prison. I did however out last everyone in my cabin. Gomps got rid of her McDonalds the hard way and eventually went back to the cabin with Becky. Kish went chasing tail. Leaving me to represent our cabin. Which I did quite well until sometime between 2:00 & 3:00am. I stumbled my way home where I don't remember if I stayed up and talked with anyone. I don't think I did... so I just passed out.

DAY 2
Some asshole (you know who you are) wakes me up at about 10:15 by yelling and flicking the lights. I wonder down to the kitchen and drink half of my orange juice, which was suppose to be my mixer for the day but I didn't care cotton mouth was getting the best of me. We didn't have any breakfast food so the girls went out to buy some. MDK and I, on the other hand, are going to start drinking....at 11am. The beer of choice is Hamms or hamm sandwiches. We grab a couple and I join him on his conquest to wake up and annoy everyone who is still sleeping. After that the girls returned and we had some hashbrowns and eggs with our hamm sandwiches. We then take a quick break before we head out onto the golf course. Where the hardcore drinking begins.

Its about 1pm and we are playing "Backpack Golf". The rules are easy. You need a backpack full of beer, one and only one club of your choice, and two balls (perferably golf balls). I've had about 7 beers and one whiskey pull before I take my first swing. I choose a 5 iron out of the womens set we were using and promptly duffed my first shot. I get a little better and a lot drunker as the round goes by. I never took the time to factor the sun into my binge drinking. Anyway, we run out of beer and agree that the round is over so we can go get more.

Kish and I decide to make some Screwdrivers with the remainder of my orange juice mixer. Probably not the best idea, but rational thought left me at about 2:00. Bag toss is the new game of choice. Kish and I (defending champs) lose a heartbreaker before I decide that I should shower and get ready for the dinner and dance.

I get out of the shower and put on my black suit complete with a red shirt, fix my hair, throw on some cologne, and head downstairs for another screwdriver. I'm convinced that this was the one that put me over the edge. I finish it anyway and we head over to the main cabin for pictures. It was fun seeing everyone dressed up and I'm not going to lie, I turned a few heads. We finish pictures in about a half hour and head in for our meals and senior speeches.

Becky and I found our seats and waited for everyone else to join. Becky and I made a great team for the dinner. She snuck the beer in and I drank it. It doesn't get any better than that. Shortly after I finish my beer the wine showed up. At this point someone should have been cutting me off. I was at the point where I was speaking but I wasn't speaking words. So naturally I thought it would be a good idea for me to give a senior speech. I convince MDK that I have a nice and funny quick speech and he agrees to call me up after him. One problem. By the time MDK was done with his speech, I had drank two more glasses of wine and forgotten what I was going to say. Now remember, rational thought is long gone and I should have refused, but I guess I was on a mission. So I give something that resembles a speech in a language that resembles english and sit back down. This is where the memory started to leave me.

I guess I wondered around the dance area for a little bit before I realized that most of the people had left. So I bought another screwdriver and started heading back to my cabin. Upon arriving at the cabin I was told that I talked to some people and went upstairs and passed out for the night. Its was 8:30pm and the dance hadn't even started. Thats right, I went to a formal and missed the dance.

DAY 3
After a hearty 14 hours of sleep I wake up at 10am ready to take on the day. I wonder downstairs and get informed that I had missed the dance. Up until that point I had no idea I missed it. I was angry. We then pack our things up and pile into the car with the usual crew. Captain Max at the wheel and me sitting shotgun navigating, poorly. After about an hour of driving we somehow get off course, I believe the only reason I missed it was because I was in such discomfort due to 3 days worth of food wreaking havoc on my colon. All in all it was the most fun I've had in awhile and dispite achieving record levels of debauchery there is talk of inviting me back next year.

I can't wait.

Link of the Week
For all you Sesame Street Fans

Television Sitcom Pitch

Title: Whistling Hills

Characters:
Miles "Chip" McNaulty - The club pro who got the nickname 'chip' when he won his one and only PGA event by making a chip in on the 18th hole. Chip has a small gambling problem and like to make strange bets with the members to liven things up around the clubhouse. Chip is married but we never see his wife.
Winston Daniels III - The ecentric older club president with a much much younger wife, The tennis intsructor who doesn't play tennis, Dolly. Mr. Daniels is always trying to ensure that his club remains one of the elite. Even if it means being a little prejudiced to the poor.
Bobby Timms - The teenage proshop attendent who has a not so secret crush on the attractive bartender. Bobby , who is somewhat of an introvert, is a good kid who is always trying to impress Chip. Usually to failing with hilarious results.
Father Thomas Abbott - A frequent member of the course who always seems to around the clubhouse provides some guidence to all those who had a bad day on the course. Father Tom also has a bit of a temper when out on the course.
Doug Sampson - Doug is a wealthy lawyer who really isn't that good at golf. He just likes to hang out at the club to get away from his wife and kids. While at the club Doug likes to drink and make bets with Chip.
Dr. Benjamin "Bennie" Hickle - Very good golfer who is a close friend of Doug and Father Tom. Dr. Hickle owns the biggest proctology practice in Southern California. He and father Tom golf 3 times a week together occasionally Doug will play with them too.
Marcus & Betty Taranski - This retired couple have been a constant presense at the clubhouse for years. They are good friends with Mr. Daniels. Dispite hitting it big on the stock market they are a little slow in the head.

Other Charaters not always in the show:
Hans - The German Greenskeeper
Mr. & Mrs. Timms - Bobby's parents & members of the club
Ryan & Smitty - Bobby's Buddies.

Quick Plot Summary:
The show primarily takes place in the clubhouse at prestigous Whistling Hills Country Club in Southern California. It has kind of a "Cheers" type atmosphere where as people will talk about their day, their families, their jobs, ect. The show will mostly revolve around Chip and how he copes with recently losing his Tour Card and trying to run a clubhouse with a variety of personailties. If I had to compare it to something I would say its 'Cheers' meets 'Caddyshack'.

I know I would watch

Link of the Week

Top 5 Worst TV Characters

Since I've given you a couple of list that deal with the best televison and movies have to offer I decided that you should also know the other side of the medium known as television (If this is the first you've read of me check the link at the end of the entry). I have came up with the 5 worst TV characters from successful shows. Shows that were on for more that four seasons. I also made it a rule that the characters had to be in the opening credits at one time during the course of the show. Here you og, TV's biggest atrocities.

5. Lisa Turtle Saved by the Bell
What in the hell did this character bring to the show, other than appeasing the NAACP? Anything? I've been sitting here for 30 minutes trying to remember a good episode where she was prominately involved. I may be a little drunk but I'm sure very few exist, and out of those she probably wasn't even the main focus of the episode. The only time she was remotely amusing was when Screech was involved and when you have to rely on Dustin Diamond to carry two characters you know you're asking for a lot. I think this show would have done a lot better if they would have just left her out and had screech chase after random girls every other episode. Also, Lark Voorhies is the only one out of this cast not to have anything resembling a career after this show. I can say one good thing about her is that the producers had the right idea not signing her on for The College Years.

4. Mark Taylor Home Improvement
This kid annoyed the hell out of me almost every episode. This kid fit into this show like Marilyn Manson at church. You had a show which was pretty much about men being stupid, which was portrayed well by Tim, Brad, and Randy. Then you have this queer misfit that just doesn't fit in at all. I wish I could have bet money that this kid was going to end up being the most messed up by the end of the show. The only way the writers could get a laugh out of this character was to beat the hell out of him or make him seem a little girlish. Just to give you an idea of how bad this actor was, his profile on IMDB only says "avid paintball player". Which means that his acting career is over and all he has to show for it is the annoying youngest brother, who turned goth by the end of the show, on a show that wasn't that great in the first place.

3. Uncle Joey Gladstone Full House
This is probably the most unrealistic character that I have ever seen. I mean you have to be a complete loser to be living with a man and his three underage daughters while wondering around impersonating old cartoon characters. Joey came off as annoying three times as many times as he came off as funny and I'm being generous. Other than Jodie Sweetin, he is the only one who hasn't done anything since the show. I refuse to count America's Funniest People as something only because it was a blatent ripoff of America's Funniest Videos. You have to agree when you have to resort to The Surreal Life your career is on its last legs (unless you're Flava Flav). Its pretty sad when you peaked as a horrible character on a cheesy sitcom.

2. Little Richie Crawford Family Matters
Here's another kid that had no right being on television. He was probably the first person that I wanted to hurt just because he was so bad. He also had a slight physical resemblence to Little Richard, which I'm sure was intentional right up to the absolutely horrible gericurl. Bryton McClure had to have had a real life parent that made him go out into public with a hair style that was on its last legs in the fashion world. I remember scenes where comedic genious Jaleel White had to carry him and Eddie through scenes. The thing that bothered me most about him is that he only made the show worse. The show had absolutely no use for him or his sister. Also what kind of parents would teach their little boy Michael Jackson moves. He had to have done the moonwalk or spinkick at least 20 times. He was just asking to get molested.

1. Blossom Russo Blossom
First of all how can a young actress who looks like she was hit in the face with a car get a lead role in a sitcom? I can't remember a time when I was more uncomfortable when I was sitting there watching talk about her period for the first time. It was early 90's and I had no knowledge of the menstral cycle at that point. That episode tramatized me to the point to where I get the shivers anytime the details of the menstral cycle are brought up. Her wardrobe was also rediculous. At no time in my life did I ever see someone wearing a denim hat with a flower on it in real life. Come to think of it I hated everything about this show. I mean what teen in there right mine actively tries to set there single parent up on dates? She had a friend who if I remember right was secretly obsessed with sex. The biggest reason why I hate this show is because it is responsible unleashing the Lawrence brothers on America, which I compare to bringing SARS to america. Something that at the time seem life theatening, but we now seem to have it under control.

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