Chad's Debauchery Diary
During the weekend of April 15-17 I attended my first ever Alpha Kappa Psi Formal. This formal took place at Sugar Lake Lodge near Grand Rapids, Minnesota. Here is what transpired.
DAY 1
We left Minneapolis at about 5pm, which was right in the middle of rush hour, so needless to say we were excited. The other passengers in the car included: Gomps, Kish, Max, and the luckiest girl at formal my date, Becky (or Becky Upton-no good). I am sitting shotgun playing the role of Navigator for Captain Max while Gomps, Kish, and Becky fall in and out of sleep in the back. Gomps provided us with a wide variety of music, which involuntarily brought out a secret that I wasn't ready to share with the world but now I have no choice. I'm a Backstreet Boys fan. There I said it, lets move on.
We make our first stop at what I believe to be the only five star McDonalds that exists and its in Champlin. This place was extremely clean and had a 42in plasma screen playing Finding Nemo. The food was so-so. The car ride was pretty uneventful until a no holds barred thumb wrestling tournament broke out in the back between Captain Max, Gomps, and Kish. Captain Max and mammoth thumbs took the title.
At about 9pm we arrive to our destination. Upon arriving a horrible scream comes from the back seat followed by a sentence you never want to hear a girl say if you're a guy. "Well, if you put it in my mouth then I'm going to bite it." I then made it a point not to passout anywhere near Gomps for the weekend. In my cabin was Becky, Gomps, and Kish We then unpack and get ready to head over to the "Hospitality Cabin"
As expected the drukeness had started without me and in the lead was not a member but an alum. Which should indicate how the night was going to turn out. I was surprised to how well everything was planned because the other formals I've been to were planned the week before. I immediately head out to the keg to find that the kegstands have also started and I haven't had a beer since lunch. I thought about doing one until Gomps put up a time that would only embarass me. I came sprinting out of the gates finishing my beer in near record time or average time for everyone else. If the first one was any indication, tonight will get sloppy and it did.
I had only been there for 2 and a half beers (45 mins for those who don't know my drinking pattern) before I had found myself in a game of 'grabass'. Now I have plenty of grabass experience so I figured I would fare pretty well. I didn't. My ass got grabbed so many times that I felt like the fresh fish in a maximum security prison. I did however out last everyone in my cabin. Gomps got rid of her McDonalds the hard way and eventually went back to the cabin with Becky. Kish went chasing tail. Leaving me to represent our cabin. Which I did quite well until sometime between 2:00 & 3:00am. I stumbled my way home where I don't remember if I stayed up and talked with anyone. I don't think I did... so I just passed out.
DAY 2
Some asshole (you know who you are) wakes me up at about 10:15 by yelling and flicking the lights. I wonder down to the kitchen and drink half of my orange juice, which was suppose to be my mixer for the day but I didn't care cotton mouth was getting the best of me. We didn't have any breakfast food so the girls went out to buy some. MDK and I, on the other hand, are going to start drinking....at 11am. The beer of choice is Hamms or hamm sandwiches. We grab a couple and I join him on his conquest to wake up and annoy everyone who is still sleeping. After that the girls returned and we had some hashbrowns and eggs with our hamm sandwiches. We then take a quick break before we head out onto the golf course. Where the hardcore drinking begins.
Its about 1pm and we are playing "Backpack Golf". The rules are easy. You need a backpack full of beer, one and only one club of your choice, and two balls (perferably golf balls). I've had about 7 beers and one whiskey pull before I take my first swing. I choose a 5 iron out of the womens set we were using and promptly duffed my first shot. I get a little better and a lot drunker as the round goes by. I never took the time to factor the sun into my binge drinking. Anyway, we run out of beer and agree that the round is over so we can go get more.
Kish and I decide to make some Screwdrivers with the remainder of my orange juice mixer. Probably not the best idea, but rational thought left me at about 2:00. Bag toss is the new game of choice. Kish and I (defending champs) lose a heartbreaker before I decide that I should shower and get ready for the dinner and dance.
I get out of the shower and put on my black suit complete with a red shirt, fix my hair, throw on some cologne, and head downstairs for another screwdriver. I'm convinced that this was the one that put me over the edge. I finish it anyway and we head over to the main cabin for pictures. It was fun seeing everyone dressed up and I'm not going to lie, I turned a few heads. We finish pictures in about a half hour and head in for our meals and senior speeches.
Becky and I found our seats and waited for everyone else to join. Becky and I made a great team for the dinner. She snuck the beer in and I drank it. It doesn't get any better than that. Shortly after I finish my beer the wine showed up. At this point someone should have been cutting me off. I was at the point where I was speaking but I wasn't speaking words. So naturally I thought it would be a good idea for me to give a senior speech. I convince MDK that I have a nice and funny quick speech and he agrees to call me up after him. One problem. By the time MDK was done with his speech, I had drank two more glasses of wine and forgotten what I was going to say. Now remember, rational thought is long gone and I should have refused, but I guess I was on a mission. So I give something that resembles a speech in a language that resembles english and sit back down. This is where the memory started to leave me.
I guess I wondered around the dance area for a little bit before I realized that most of the people had left. So I bought another screwdriver and started heading back to my cabin. Upon arriving at the cabin I was told that I talked to some people and went upstairs and passed out for the night. Its was 8:30pm and the dance hadn't even started. Thats right, I went to a formal and missed the dance.
DAY 3
After a hearty 14 hours of sleep I wake up at 10am ready to take on the day. I wonder downstairs and get informed that I had missed the dance. Up until that point I had no idea I missed it. I was angry. We then pack our things up and pile into the car with the usual crew. Captain Max at the wheel and me sitting shotgun navigating, poorly. After about an hour of driving we somehow get off course, I believe the only reason I missed it was because I was in such discomfort due to 3 days worth of food wreaking havoc on my colon. All in all it was the most fun I've had in awhile and dispite achieving record levels of debauchery there is talk of inviting me back next year.
I can't wait.
Link of the Week
For all you Sesame Street Fans
DAY 1
We left Minneapolis at about 5pm, which was right in the middle of rush hour, so needless to say we were excited. The other passengers in the car included: Gomps, Kish, Max, and the luckiest girl at formal my date, Becky (or Becky Upton-no good). I am sitting shotgun playing the role of Navigator for Captain Max while Gomps, Kish, and Becky fall in and out of sleep in the back. Gomps provided us with a wide variety of music, which involuntarily brought out a secret that I wasn't ready to share with the world but now I have no choice. I'm a Backstreet Boys fan. There I said it, lets move on.
We make our first stop at what I believe to be the only five star McDonalds that exists and its in Champlin. This place was extremely clean and had a 42in plasma screen playing Finding Nemo. The food was so-so. The car ride was pretty uneventful until a no holds barred thumb wrestling tournament broke out in the back between Captain Max, Gomps, and Kish. Captain Max and mammoth thumbs took the title.
At about 9pm we arrive to our destination. Upon arriving a horrible scream comes from the back seat followed by a sentence you never want to hear a girl say if you're a guy. "Well, if you put it in my mouth then I'm going to bite it." I then made it a point not to passout anywhere near Gomps for the weekend. In my cabin was Becky, Gomps, and Kish We then unpack and get ready to head over to the "Hospitality Cabin"
As expected the drukeness had started without me and in the lead was not a member but an alum. Which should indicate how the night was going to turn out. I was surprised to how well everything was planned because the other formals I've been to were planned the week before. I immediately head out to the keg to find that the kegstands have also started and I haven't had a beer since lunch. I thought about doing one until Gomps put up a time that would only embarass me. I came sprinting out of the gates finishing my beer in near record time or average time for everyone else. If the first one was any indication, tonight will get sloppy and it did.
I had only been there for 2 and a half beers (45 mins for those who don't know my drinking pattern) before I had found myself in a game of 'grabass'. Now I have plenty of grabass experience so I figured I would fare pretty well. I didn't. My ass got grabbed so many times that I felt like the fresh fish in a maximum security prison. I did however out last everyone in my cabin. Gomps got rid of her McDonalds the hard way and eventually went back to the cabin with Becky. Kish went chasing tail. Leaving me to represent our cabin. Which I did quite well until sometime between 2:00 & 3:00am. I stumbled my way home where I don't remember if I stayed up and talked with anyone. I don't think I did... so I just passed out.
DAY 2
Some asshole (you know who you are) wakes me up at about 10:15 by yelling and flicking the lights. I wonder down to the kitchen and drink half of my orange juice, which was suppose to be my mixer for the day but I didn't care cotton mouth was getting the best of me. We didn't have any breakfast food so the girls went out to buy some. MDK and I, on the other hand, are going to start drinking....at 11am. The beer of choice is Hamms or hamm sandwiches. We grab a couple and I join him on his conquest to wake up and annoy everyone who is still sleeping. After that the girls returned and we had some hashbrowns and eggs with our hamm sandwiches. We then take a quick break before we head out onto the golf course. Where the hardcore drinking begins.
Its about 1pm and we are playing "Backpack Golf". The rules are easy. You need a backpack full of beer, one and only one club of your choice, and two balls (perferably golf balls). I've had about 7 beers and one whiskey pull before I take my first swing. I choose a 5 iron out of the womens set we were using and promptly duffed my first shot. I get a little better and a lot drunker as the round goes by. I never took the time to factor the sun into my binge drinking. Anyway, we run out of beer and agree that the round is over so we can go get more.
Kish and I decide to make some Screwdrivers with the remainder of my orange juice mixer. Probably not the best idea, but rational thought left me at about 2:00. Bag toss is the new game of choice. Kish and I (defending champs) lose a heartbreaker before I decide that I should shower and get ready for the dinner and dance.
I get out of the shower and put on my black suit complete with a red shirt, fix my hair, throw on some cologne, and head downstairs for another screwdriver. I'm convinced that this was the one that put me over the edge. I finish it anyway and we head over to the main cabin for pictures. It was fun seeing everyone dressed up and I'm not going to lie, I turned a few heads. We finish pictures in about a half hour and head in for our meals and senior speeches.
Becky and I found our seats and waited for everyone else to join. Becky and I made a great team for the dinner. She snuck the beer in and I drank it. It doesn't get any better than that. Shortly after I finish my beer the wine showed up. At this point someone should have been cutting me off. I was at the point where I was speaking but I wasn't speaking words. So naturally I thought it would be a good idea for me to give a senior speech. I convince MDK that I have a nice and funny quick speech and he agrees to call me up after him. One problem. By the time MDK was done with his speech, I had drank two more glasses of wine and forgotten what I was going to say. Now remember, rational thought is long gone and I should have refused, but I guess I was on a mission. So I give something that resembles a speech in a language that resembles english and sit back down. This is where the memory started to leave me.
I guess I wondered around the dance area for a little bit before I realized that most of the people had left. So I bought another screwdriver and started heading back to my cabin. Upon arriving at the cabin I was told that I talked to some people and went upstairs and passed out for the night. Its was 8:30pm and the dance hadn't even started. Thats right, I went to a formal and missed the dance.
DAY 3
After a hearty 14 hours of sleep I wake up at 10am ready to take on the day. I wonder downstairs and get informed that I had missed the dance. Up until that point I had no idea I missed it. I was angry. We then pack our things up and pile into the car with the usual crew. Captain Max at the wheel and me sitting shotgun navigating, poorly. After about an hour of driving we somehow get off course, I believe the only reason I missed it was because I was in such discomfort due to 3 days worth of food wreaking havoc on my colon. All in all it was the most fun I've had in awhile and dispite achieving record levels of debauchery there is talk of inviting me back next year.
I can't wait.
Link of the Week
For all you Sesame Street Fans
posted by Chad Chamley at 7:15 PM
1 Comments:
What kind of wingman are you going to be at Elliott Ness's wedding if you can't even make it to "the dance"?
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