The Golden Bar Rules
Everyone enjoys going to a bar every once in awhile. People go to the bar to relax, unwind, and mingle with their friends or other bar goers. However, there are always a few people who ruin the experience for others. They do things that can be avoided or done in a bar friendly way. So in an effort to make the bar enjoyable for everyone I have put together a set of rules that, if followed, will make the bar fun for everyone.
In no particular order:
The "30 Second" Rule
Once you get your drink from the bar you have 30 seconds to say your goodbyes to the bartender and move on. Guys the bar maiden is not impressed by your collared shirt and inexpensive cologne. I also see too many skanks standing up there for 20 minutes trying to flirt their way into a free drink. Listen, the only reason the guy is talking to your ugly ass is to get a bigger tip next time you and your fat friend come up for your girly mixed drinks. Move away from the bar. Daddy needs booze and he needs it now.
The "Dave Chappelle" Rule
Unless you're a skinny bald black guy with a nasal voice you should by no means be shouting "what" at the top of your lungs or annoucing that you are a dead singer from the 70's & 80's to a female dog. Your frat boy buddies may find your "dead on" impression hilarious but little did you know you just annouced to the rest of the bar that you are in fact a huge tool and made their night worse. Keep it quiet or...I don't know....say something original. Better yet just stay home, you might miss a rerun. The best way to avoid this is to acquire some knowledge. That way your dumb ass will have something intelligent to say to the rest of the fudge nudgers in your group.
The "Dance Floor" Rule
Nothing spices up a night like some dancing, but for god sakes do it right. Ladies find a friend or four to come out on the floor to dance with you. There's nothing sadder than seeing some drunk cunt with runny make-up stumble out on the dance floor and do some sort of "hey guys I'm wasted and can barely walk look at me" mating dance. The only guys that respond to this are the same ones who leave the free clinic with a disappointed look on their face every week. And guys I don't really think that group of girls having a bunch of fun dancing without you wants you to come out of nowhere and rub your cologne drenched nutsack (you know spray it) all over them. Try asking first next time douschebag. You never know, the fat chick may have a thing for drunk assholes who wear their hat sideways.
The "3 Step" Rule
I can't speak for women on this one since they haven't let me in one of their bathrooms since the incident. Guys on the other hand should the 3 step rule. Step 1: stop talking at the pisser. I have a hard enough time as it is trying to piss in the trough without you telling me how much the waitress "wants your nuts". When actually she probably wants your nuts as much as she wants cervical cancer. Shut up and piss.... and don't look at me. Step 2: piss. That's it. don't stare at yourself in the mirror and fix your shirt or comb your hair. It won't help. Just walk up to the urinal and go. Step 3: Wash your hands and leave. Don't start a conversation with your buddy in the stall. You can wait until he comes out to find out whether or not he thinks you have a chance with the wasted chick in the corner. I'll introduce you if you just get you gay, striped shirt wearing ass out of my way and let me piss.
The "John Tesh" Rule
Nobody wants to hear John Tesh sing. And I don't care if the bar is playing your favorite song no one wants to hear you sing either. I understand you think you sound just like Neil Diamond and that gives you the right to perform your rendition of 'Sweet Caroline' complete with the "bam bam baas". However, everyone else at the bar thinks you sound like a retarded William Hung and look like it too when you whip out the head bob and fist pump. Listen, unless its Karaoke night bar patrons don't really like it when you slur and shout the words to song that the bar is playing. Shut the hell up and go back to drinking your beer and giving the ladies creepy looks as they go by.
Link of the Week
Random yet funny
In no particular order:
The "30 Second" Rule
Once you get your drink from the bar you have 30 seconds to say your goodbyes to the bartender and move on. Guys the bar maiden is not impressed by your collared shirt and inexpensive cologne. I also see too many skanks standing up there for 20 minutes trying to flirt their way into a free drink. Listen, the only reason the guy is talking to your ugly ass is to get a bigger tip next time you and your fat friend come up for your girly mixed drinks. Move away from the bar. Daddy needs booze and he needs it now.
The "Dave Chappelle" Rule
Unless you're a skinny bald black guy with a nasal voice you should by no means be shouting "what" at the top of your lungs or annoucing that you are a dead singer from the 70's & 80's to a female dog. Your frat boy buddies may find your "dead on" impression hilarious but little did you know you just annouced to the rest of the bar that you are in fact a huge tool and made their night worse. Keep it quiet or...I don't know....say something original. Better yet just stay home, you might miss a rerun. The best way to avoid this is to acquire some knowledge. That way your dumb ass will have something intelligent to say to the rest of the fudge nudgers in your group.
The "Dance Floor" Rule
Nothing spices up a night like some dancing, but for god sakes do it right. Ladies find a friend or four to come out on the floor to dance with you. There's nothing sadder than seeing some drunk cunt with runny make-up stumble out on the dance floor and do some sort of "hey guys I'm wasted and can barely walk look at me" mating dance. The only guys that respond to this are the same ones who leave the free clinic with a disappointed look on their face every week. And guys I don't really think that group of girls having a bunch of fun dancing without you wants you to come out of nowhere and rub your cologne drenched nutsack (you know spray it) all over them. Try asking first next time douschebag. You never know, the fat chick may have a thing for drunk assholes who wear their hat sideways.
The "3 Step" Rule
I can't speak for women on this one since they haven't let me in one of their bathrooms since the incident. Guys on the other hand should the 3 step rule. Step 1: stop talking at the pisser. I have a hard enough time as it is trying to piss in the trough without you telling me how much the waitress "wants your nuts". When actually she probably wants your nuts as much as she wants cervical cancer. Shut up and piss.... and don't look at me. Step 2: piss. That's it. don't stare at yourself in the mirror and fix your shirt or comb your hair. It won't help. Just walk up to the urinal and go. Step 3: Wash your hands and leave. Don't start a conversation with your buddy in the stall. You can wait until he comes out to find out whether or not he thinks you have a chance with the wasted chick in the corner. I'll introduce you if you just get you gay, striped shirt wearing ass out of my way and let me piss.
The "John Tesh" Rule
Nobody wants to hear John Tesh sing. And I don't care if the bar is playing your favorite song no one wants to hear you sing either. I understand you think you sound just like Neil Diamond and that gives you the right to perform your rendition of 'Sweet Caroline' complete with the "bam bam baas". However, everyone else at the bar thinks you sound like a retarded William Hung and look like it too when you whip out the head bob and fist pump. Listen, unless its Karaoke night bar patrons don't really like it when you slur and shout the words to song that the bar is playing. Shut the hell up and go back to drinking your beer and giving the ladies creepy looks as they go by.
Link of the Week
Random yet funny
posted by Chad Chamley at 6:54 PM
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